Thursday, April 23, 2009

McG ‘shattered’ as mammarian dreams get nipped

LOS ANGELES – Visionary cinema has taken a staggering blow.

Noted auteur and breast enthusiast McG is reportedly “inconsolable” after word leaked that he has lost his grueling battle with Warner Bros., re: Moon Bloodgood’s breasts. In confirmation of what has long been rumored, his newest opus, “Terminator Salvation” – the fourth and, it appears, least naked of the long-running film series – has been given a paltry PG-13 rating by the MPAA’s Classification and Ratings Administration.

“My grand vision has been terminated by tyranny and oppression!” McG cried sadly. “Tyranny and oppression ... of tits! Those precious and glorious tits, captured in 35mm, have been terminated. And I feel like I, myself, have been terminated.”[bxA]

According to the studio’s official web site, the rating is for “intense sequences of sci-fi violence and action, and language.” Nowhere in that description, one will notice, is the word “nudity” included – nor “toplessness,” “breasts,” “mammaries” or “tit-fucking.”

The unveiling of the PG-13 rating – a first for the “Terminator” series, whose first three installments were all awarded the more ass-kicking “R” tag – brings a conclusion to what has been a long-standing duel between Artist and Financier that has seen Internet message boards flooded with speculation.

The heart of the matter lies in McG’s determination in showing us “Moon Bloodgood’s tits in all their glory, WOOOOO!,” according to a written statement from the renowned filmmaker himself. In the film, Ms. Bloodgood plays a pilot who is fighting alongside John Connor (Christian Bale) in the resistance against the Machines, man-made cyborgs who as we all know became self-aware on August 29, 1997.

McG has long stood firm in his convictions, stating that Ms. Bloodgood’s character is an “homage to Linda Hamilton,” who famously played the heroine Sarah Connor in James Cameron’s original two masterworks, baring her body and soul for the camera. McG has eschewed the “soul” element, emphasizing more of the “body” part of the equation, arguing that Bloodgood’s bosoms are “the physical embodiment of her soul.”

“Just like Sarah Connor, Moon Bloodgood’s character, Blair, is a sexy, beautiful, feminine woman, who is also totally strong and fierce and independent,” McG explained recently, adding, “and has great tits.”

As such, McG’s vision could only be complete with the aforementioned breasts salvaged in the final product. He has gained significant support in his quest to preserve his artistic intentions, most notably at a recent WonderCon appearance. The director reportedly rallied the frenzied crowd of sweaty, virginal adolescents, galvanizing them in his cause for breast preservation, which the studio has been long attempting to quash.

McG went further, explaining his precise plans to a fanbase suddenly united in its fervor: “First I start with a close-up of her feet and then I slowly pan up her whole naked body, until finally the right nipple makes its first appearance. Then I glide over, only she turns around seductively to go kick some ass. Then I changed my mind halfway through the shot, and for the rest of the scene I just do a bunch of quick cuts and show her cans from all different angles. Then a sexy female Terminator comes along and motorboats them! It’s totally rad!”

Added McG: “Tits are fuckin’ awesome.”

However, the removal of said tits has brought this fight to an ugly conclusion. Insiders worry that a lack of promised breasts in “Terminator Salvation” will permanently compromise both McG’s artistic integrity and street cred – and, hence, his authorial autonomy.

“Breasts are a symbol of motherhood!” McG pleaded. “‘Children of Men’ was all about motherhood and my film is just like ‘Children of Men!’ And ‘Children of Men’ had tits! My entire movie is filtered through the veneer of the Madonna-whore complex, represented by human female mammaries! But the censors-that-be at Warner Bros. have brought down their iron fist on my masterpiece. The true Terminator in this movie is Warner Bros. – and they have terminated art!”

Ms. Bloodgood’s breasts could not be reached for comment.

1 comment:

Janean said...

Wow, when you said "this thing goes on" you were not kidding.