Sunday, March 7, 2010

2009 Ends Tonight: Live-Blogging the Academy Awards

It's that special time again, to let the Oscars bore, surprise and/or entertain us. Jeremy Mathews, Chris Bellamy and Jessica Mathews are here to tell you what to think of what you're watching while you're watching it. Producer Adam Shankman promises that this will be a fast, entertaining ceremony with Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin as hosts. Let's see if he keeps that promise…

6:13 - Jeremy: Settled at my party and trying to decide whether I should stick with my original Cinematography and Live-Action Short picks.

6:18 - Chris: So apparently there's going to be some big surprise at the beginning of the show. I get this information from the fine journalist Ryan Seacrest.

6:20 - Chris: Shit yeah, Tina Fey!

6:24 - Jeremy: For the (non-gambling, of course) pool, I think I'm changing my cinematography prediction from Robert Richardson to Barry Ackroyd. Tempted to go for "Instead of Abracadabra" instead of "The Door" as well.

6:25 - Chris: Wait a sec. Did Sherri Shepherd really just say the Lautner kid was the most famous werewolf in motion picture history?

6:30 - Chris: See? This is the "American Idol"-style competition I was talking about.

6:31 - Jeremy: What the fuck is going on?

6:32 - Chris: Did the orchestra just screw up?

6:33 - Jeremy: Usually they light the audience reaction shots. I think I'm going "Abracadabra" on live-action short.

6:33 - Chris: uh-oh, James Cameron's pissed. NPH just made fun of his CGI.
Jeremy: He just stormed out of the Kodak.

6:34 - Jeremy: They want me to eat a salad with chopsticks here at the party. Not an easy task while live-blogging.

6:34 - Chris: This is a better number than Hugh's last year. Wow, it's almost like a great big gold crescent moon. If only Sean Penn were here...

6:36 - Chris: "Steve Martin is being a rude little pig!" says Baldwin.

6:37 - Jeremy: Martin and Baldwin funny so far. "That damn Helen Mirren."

6:38 - Chris: Yes, Baldwin and Martin are doing quite well. Great CAA joke.

6:40 - Jeremy: Nice—Baldwin looking at Cameron through 3D glasses.

6:40 - James Cameron: Do those 3D glasses make my huge cock look bigger?

6:42 - Jeremy: I'm liking the Hope-Crosby vibe these two have going.

6:43 - Chris: Jeez, these guys are killing it. It's already better than last year's show.

6:43 - Jessica: It's just like one big family at the Oscars.
Jeremy: There you are!

6:44 - Jeremy: Be Italian!

6:44 -Chris: The Oscars are being pretty fuckin' Italian right now.

6:45 - Jessica: No roundtable actor kiss-ass this year, a step in the right direction.

6:45 - Chris: Hey, what a novel idea. Clips of movies! Movies that were nominated! What a novel concept!

6:46 - Chris: Still, though, Adrien Brody googled all these clips for the Academy. That was his job this year.

6:47 - Jeremy: (Stanley Tucci clip) I think that dude's a rapist.

6:48 - Jessica: Very long clips, you guys should be happy. If only they didn't give away entire movie. I guess if you haven't seen it's too late.

6:49 - Chris: Fuckin' A, Christoph Waltz.

6:50 - Jeremy: Intro to "The Blind Side" montage: "It's a true story." Hence the authentic art-direction of a crackhead woman's handsomely decorated home.

6:51 - Jeremy: Are they doing the nominees from worst to best?

6:51 - Chris: "You're changin' that boy's life!" "Nope, he's changin' mine." What great dialogue!

6:52 - Jessica: I now feel confident in my decision not to see "The Blind Side."

6:53 - Jessica: They didn't even show the best clip from the ad: "We want you to be part of our family" - "I thought I already was."

6:57 - Chris: Wow. A certain teleprompter operator is getting fired tonight.

6:58 - Jeremy: Nice to see Mr. Fox. "Hey, these are all cartoons!"

6:59 - Jeremy: Nice and funny into for animated feature, and a shocker of a winner!

6:59 - Jessica: I think clips from the real movie would be better except that I did like seeing the "Up" one.

7:01 - Chris: Star of Jeremy's most anticipated movie of 2010, "Dear John Letters to Juliet!"

7:01 - Jeremy: No songs = LAME-O.

7:02 - Jeremy: Ebert just asked on Twitter whether this means "Up" will win Best Picture and get a twofer. Uh…

7:03 - Chris: "Almost There" was my favorite number of Princess and the Frog, visually, but not my favorite of the songs.

7:04 - Jeremy: The song Chris thinks is called "Crazy Heart" wins! Three awards, three shockers.

7:05 - Chris: Jeez, Ebert. Yeah that's right - Best Animated Feature is always a harbinger for Best Picture.

7:05 - Jeremy: You have one second to give your speech. And…TIME'S UP!

7:05 - Jessica: Was that guy a time traveling James Cameron?

7:06 - Jeremy: They just said Tina Fey. Chris just creamed himself.

7:06 - Jessica: I miss the live songs, but I guess no songs is better than Beyonce singing them.

7:11 - Chris: Don't blame Beyonce, Jessica. It's not her fault! They made her do it!

7:12 - Jeremy: In case there was any doubt, Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr. are awesome.

7:12 - Jessica: This is a good intro.

7:13 - Chris: Uh-oh, James Cameron is about to whip his penis out and storm out of the Kodak. They made CGI jokes.
Come on Quentin, come on Quentin

7:15 - Jeremy: Jesus, "The Hurt Locker?" Come on! That was the fourth-best screenplay nominated.


7:16 - Jeremy: Reitman already looks pissed, I guess because he wasn't nominated for Original Screenplay?

7:16 - Chris: What the fuck? Nothing against Mark Boal, but QT's script kicked his script's ass. Quentin seemed surprised.

7:18 - Jessica: Wow, they framed James Cameron behind catherine Bigelow, that's going to come in handy later.

7:20 - Jeremy: There are some John Hughes films that don't necessarily need clips.

7:21 - Jeremy: They got the band back together!

7:22 - Jessica: Good tribute.

7:22 - Chris: Well, that was a nice tribute, at least. Even if plenty of other people deserved separate memorials if Hughes gets one…

7:23 - Jeremy: Macaulay Culkin is like Peter Pan.

7:24 - Jessica: Those twilight kids just don't understand.

7:24 - Chris: ("Up" montage starts) Can't they just show the entire Married Life montage? I mean, no one's here with me at my apartment to see me cry, so I'm safe.

7:27 - Jeremy: Mulligan!!!!

7:27 - Chris: Oh god. If they show Zoe Saldana too much more, I'm not going to be able to make it. I'm just going to pass out.

7:29 - Jeremy: Hey, they're actually talking about short filmmaking instead of just rushing the winners on and off!

7:30 - Chris: Pretty cool that they're giving a little bit of time and attention.

7:31 - Chris: Whoa, Jason Reitman smiled! (Kinda.) Does he think Up in the Air is nominated for short film?

7:32 - Jeremy: HOLY SHIT! "Logorama?" No way I thought that was Academy material.

7:32 - Chris: Ouch. Well, Nick Park must be surprised.

7:33 - Jeremy: Well, after that, I hope my last minute live-action change proves correct.

7:33 - Jessica: Damn me for following your predictions on that one.

7:34 - Chris: Jeez. Surprises all around for the shorts. Did they save all the surprises for the categories no one cares about?

7:35 - Chris: Whoa, what the hell just happened. Did that bitch just pull a Kanye?

7:35 - Jessica: Another failure, I should find a better source for these shorts

7:35 - Jeremy: No one was predicting any of these.

7:36 - Jeremy: BOOOOO! "The New Tenants" wins Best Live-Action Short. Worst nominated movie! What the fuck?

7:37 - Chris: What the hell? By FAR the worst of the dramatic shorts.

7:38 - Chris: Awww, the poor little old dwarf wasn't allowed to talk.

7:38 - Chris: Ben Stiller comes on in full Avatar make-up. Well well well. Is this in protest for not allowing the Sasha Baron Cohen sketch?

7:39 - Chris: James Cameron is getting less amused by the second.

7:41 - Chris: "You can't make fun of my movie! It's the most popular movie in the world!!"

7:41 - Chris: Yeah! A correct prediction!

7:43 - Jeremy: Bridges introducing the Coen film—how lovely and appropriate.

7:44 - Chris: They better not show the ending in this montage.

7:44 - Chris: Is Joel not here tonight? I've only seen Ethan.
Jeremy: I dunno. Probably wouldn't be worth the effort to come if he had a conflict.

7:48 - Jessica: Well there goes my shot at the Oscar pool.

7:48 - Jeremy: Wait, "Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire" was adapted? Let's see Reitman and Turner fight!

7:48 - Chris: They're showing the fried chicken scene? Really?

7:50 - Jeremy: "Precious" upsets for Best Adapted Screenplay. Wow, I'm sucking it up.

7:50 - Chris: Cut to Jason Reitman looking pissed.

7:51 - Jessica: Jeez, this guy is sure making me feel guilty for not wanting him to win.

7:52 - Chris: Look at poor Reitman - now he knows his movie isn't getting anything.

7:53 - Chris: Shit yeah, Gordon Willis! Lauren Bacall rules. Still funny as hell.

7:54 - Chris: Hey Robin Williams! And he just made an appearance in our Oscar preview. He must be out of material!

7:56 - Chris: BOOOOO Nine!

7:56 - Jeremy: Any chance of a Sidibe upset after Best Adapted Screenplay?

7:58 - Chris: Yes, there's definitely a chance for that. In fact, that's the way I'm leaning right now.

7:58 - Jeremy: Go More Nique! Throw some shit!

7:59 - Jeremy: The Academy sticks to the script for Scariest Performance.

8:00 - Jeremy: "Thanks for making this about the performance instead of politics." In other words, "Fuuuuuuck you!"

8:00 - Chris: (Hattie McDaniel kicked more ass in her role, btw.)

8:02 - Jeremy: "We?" "You people?" They're talking about JEWS!!!

8:03 - Chris: Wow, a salute to horror films coming up? So the Academy can ignore virtually all of them except for "The Exorcist" and now they'll "honor" them?

8:03 - Jeremy: My non-super-movie-geek friend Nick just realized that "9," wasn't nominated for anything, and "Nine" is an entirely different movie.

8:07 - Jeremy: "Avatar" wins Art Direction. for bringing your '70s fantasy posters to life.

8:08 - Chris: Is that Tom Ford or David Paterson? Shit yeah Tom Waits!

8:10 - Chris: Sandy Powell wins for "The Young Victoria," Well you got that one, my good man - it was one ["Coco Before Chanel"] or the other.

8:10 - Jeremy: If I weren't doing so horribly, I'd gloat over beating Chris here.

8:11 - Jeremy: I was about to call Powell a bitch for bragging that "I already have two of these?" But then I realized she's pointing out that modern stuff never wins, only historic costume dramas, and that other films require costume design as well. So props.

8:11 - Chris: Wow, Sandy Powell says what we're all thinking. Right on, Sandy!

8:11 - Jessica: I finally picked most obvivous costume drama and was rewarded. I guess at least Powell acknowledge the oscars for costume design over look a lot of things.

8:12 - Chris: Uh, "Precious" was nominated for more than 4 Oscars, Charlize. What, did Adrien Brody google that for you?

8:18 - Jeremy: Whenever I get a prediction wrong, I'm gonna use Chris's excuse that it was either my prediction or the winner.

8:19 - Chris: "Twilight" shouldn't get recognized in any way, not even with presenters.

8:20 - Chris: Show Nosferatu fo god's sake. You've shown Saw, of all things!

8:21 - Chris: Shit yeah "Rosemary's Baby!"

8:21 - Chris: Finally on "Nosferatu."

8:22 - Chris: What the fuck? They just had "Twilight" in the horror movie tribute? Do they mean "horribly bad?"

8:23 - Jeremy: Great. I was finally gonna get around to watching "Rosemary's Baby" tomorrow, and now it's spoiled.

8:23 - Jessica: For a while I thought they were going to only show good horror movies.

8:23 - Jessica: Fucking "Silence of the Lambs" won best picture! Hello, do not include in montage if you claim horror hasn't been honored since "The Exorcist."

8:27 - Chris: Yeah Jess, good point. They JUST said the category hadn't gotten any awards since The Exoricist, only forgetting one of the most famous and popular BP winners ever. Stop talking, Paul!

8:28 - Jessica: Allowing myself to dream hurt locker could win Best Picture.

8:30 - Jessica: Techincal oscars are a plaque with a picture of an Oscar?

8:30 - Jeremy: My prediction count is at 7 at the moment, I believe. I've already missed more than I miss total each year, and I'm almost sure to lose Best Actress.

8:32 - Chris: You're also going to lose Best Foreign Film. Get your potato-sucking lips all puckered up, friend.

8:33 - Jeremy: We'll see. It would've been your prediction too, if I hadn't bullied you out of it. But congrats on getting them all correct so far—oh wait, nevermind.

8:36 - Chris: No cinematography clips? Ouch.

8:36 - Jess: No clips for cinematography, yeah that makes sense.

8:37 - Jeremy: Why would they show clips of CINEMATOGRAPHY!!!?! And it goes to "Avatar," the least worthy nominee. Hey, so much for "The Hurt Locker" sweep the two Sound awards and Screenplay suggested.

8:37 - Chris: Fuck "Avatar."

8:38 - Jeremy: These people weren't important enough to have their own memorial, like John Hughes.

8:38 - Chris: I sure hope multiple Asian people didn't die this year - the Academy won't be able to tell them apart!

8:39 - Chris: "Yeah Nights of Cabiria" and "La Dolce Vita!" Or was it "La Strada?" I turned my head.

8:46 - Jessica: Congrats to producers for not cutting away from the montage until almost the end.

8:47 - Chris: [Best Score introduction.] Well, the Oscar broadcast just hit a screeching halt.

8:48 - Jeremy: I like that they're playing the scores—but why do this and no Original songs? Not sure what is up with the choreography. Did they think they were dancing to hip-hop?

8:48 - Chris: Does one of the producers have a sibling who has a modern dance troupe? What other explanation could there be for this decision? No cinematography clips, but THIS??!!?!

8:48 - Jessica: Now this is going to make people watch the Oscars. Some scores weren't meant to be danced to.

8:49 - From Joe Beatty: This doesn't even look choreographed.

8:51 - Jeremy: My friend Nick: "Well, it would have been embarrassing to show clips of cinematography and then have 'Avatar' win."

8:52 - Chris: Nice pronunciation, J-Lo.

8:53 - Chris: Fuckin' A, Giacchino.

8:54 - Jessica: Hurray!

8:54 - Jeremy: A well-deserved win for Michael Giacchino for "Up." Also:

8:56 - Jeremy: Shock of the night, "Avatar" for Special Effects. In other news, the film is about learning to see the world in new ways.

8:54 - Jessica: Don't give whole movies away, my constructive criticism for next year.

9:00 - Jeremy: "happy town" promo: "Don't let the name fool you." Darn! I almost did!

9:02 - Chris: Hey, perfect timing! Best doc category, and I'm just about to start eating my dolphin-meat pizza! Monsanto dolphin-meat pizza!

9:05 - Jeremy: No, the director of "The Cove" can't speak!

9:05 - Chris: You know what would be powerful? Rick O'Barry jumping up on stage wearing a TV set shoving the bloody slaughter of dolphins in everyone's face! What a statement that would be.

9:06 - Jeremy: Boy, Tyler Perry is killing. Who let this bozo introduce editing? Or anything?

9:08 - Chris: Hmmm, editing. So is "THL" still the favorite? Certainly a good omen.

9:09 - Chris: Nothing says Oscar like Keanu Reeves.

9:09 - Jessica: Editing is pretty easy I guess, glad they didn't waste our time with clips.

9:10 - Jeremy: If you have to ask why Keanu Reeves was introducing "The Hurt Locker," well, you don't deserve to know.

9:11 - Chris: Yeah, editing doesn't need clips, either. As Jessica knows, editing usually takes only a few hours and doesn't require skill that can be demonstrated visually. All you really need to do is make the movie shorter

9:13 - Chris: Good point, Jer. So have you ever pointed your gun in the air and shouted 'AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!?'

9:15 - Jeremy: Best Foreign Language Film. I hope Chris will be happy about me bullying him into changing his prediction.

9:17 - Jeremy: Nope.

9:17 - Chris: No potato-sucking for Jeremy. Wait till next year!

9:19 - Jeremy: You know, "Avatar" kind of looks like a videogame.

9:22 - Chris: What the fuck? They just asked what was going to win BP - Avatar, The Blind Side or The Hurt Locker? OR, they said, is a surprise in store? Yeah, uh, I think The Blind Side would be a pretty huge fucking surprise.

9:24 - Chris: Best Actor is up. Oh god, not again.

9:27 - Chris: I can't believe they're doing this fucking retarded speech idea again.

9:27 - Jessica: I guess they chose people who know them instead of people who google them.

9:28 - Jeremy: Yeah, that's an improvement, I s'pose. Colin Firth looks kind of like Tim Robbins with his hand over his face. Robbins should have done him.

9:28 - Chris: Nah, I think Farrel should have done Firth. Come on, they're both named Colin F. I mean, that's a slam dunk.

9:29 - Jeremy: OK. Nice joke by Robbins.

9:31 - Jessica: Farrel wishes Jeremy Renner "Good luck." Good luck indeed.

9:32 - Jeremy: Gather, Kate, gather!

9:33 - Chris: Yeah, Lebowski! Standing O for ol' Jeffy. Nope, this wasn't a lock at all.

9:33 - Jeremy: It was a lock. Just not if ever there was one.

9:35 - Jeremy: Bridges is a real class act. The Dude abides.

9:38 - Jeremy: Everyone warmed up for a Best Actress shocker?

9:42 - Chris: Whoa! Whitaker is even more fierce and dangerous than he was as Idi Amin! Scary!!

9:42 - Jessica: Never thought "Hope Floats" would be mentioned at the Oscars.

9:43 - Chris: Yeah, I think Gabby's gonna pull the upset here.

9:44 - Chris: Are they going to keep ruining movies in this fucking ceremony?

9:45 - Jeremy: The moral of Sidibe's story, as told by Oprah? Skip school, kids!

9:48 - Jeremy: BOOOOORING!

9:48 - Chris: Dammit. Lame.

9:49 - Jeremy: Well at least Streep didn't in—Chris never would have let me hear the end of it. And Bullock becomes the first actress to win Best Actress Oscar and Worst Actress Razzie in the same year maybe?

9:52 - Chris: So, for Best Director of all things, they're letting Barbra Streisand present it? Did they fucking SEE Yentl or The Prince of Tides?

9:52 - Jeremy: As long as they've gone 81 years without honoring a woman or black man, why not go for an even 100?

9:54 - Jeremy: Hey look, Jason Reitman's dad likes him!

9:55 - Jeremy: Hey, There's no penis on that Best Director winner.

9:56 - Jeremy: Even Jason Reitman is happy.

9:58 - Jeremy: Best Picture and…whoa…Did Hanks just skip reading the nominees? "The Hurt Locker" wins.

9:59 - Chris: Well at least we got that one right. Even if they didn't remind us what the nominees were. Suck it James Cameron

9:59 - Jeremy: "It's 9:59, Tom. Just read the fucking winner!"

10:02 - Jeremy: Well, no surprises in the acting categories, but a few elsewhere. Plus "Avatar" failed to win very many, even if it did get cinematography. My last-minute changes were neither punished nor rewarded—because another film one in each section. D'oh!

10:05 - Chris: Nothing says 2010 Oscars like the score to Mary Poppins.

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