Monday, September 14, 2009

SDP 17: The Future of Cinema Unveiled

Recorded 8/30/09, episode 17 of The Same Dame Podcast features an exciting interview with one of filmmaking's greatest technological innovators. We can't say who it is, but we can say that he's won an Oscar and will debut the future of special effects—yes, in this episode. You don't want to miss it. If that isn't enough, wait until you hear our collage of interviews with Martin Scorsese's friends as they react to Paramount's treatment of "Shutter Island." And oh yeah, we also review "Inglourious Basterds," "District 9," "Ponyo," and "Cold Souls."

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.
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Friday, August 28, 2009

SDP 16 Finally Makes it Out of a Maze of Intertubes

Recorded 8/13/09 and 8/7/09, episode 16 of The Same Dame Podcast features reviews of "GI Joe," "A Perfect Getaway," "Orphan," "Revanche" and "Departures." Find out what big star may be making a comeback, hear about Nicholas Cage's tax woes, and discover why Timothy Olyphant should be more famous.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.
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Saturday, August 15, 2009

SDP 15: Including the Year's Best Film You've never seen.

Recorded 8/7/09, episode 15 of The Same Dame Podcast features a discussion on John Hughes, a horrifying tale of viewing "Mama Mia!" and reviews of several films, including "(500) Days of Summer," "Funny People," "The Hurt Locker," and our dual choice for favorite film of the year. Yes folks, the podcast is back, and ready to explode in a big ol' orgasm of content.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode (which is coming right on this one's tail).
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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Whole Picture

In the Summer 2009 issue of DGA Quarterly, Steven Soderbergh addresses the sad state of 2.35:1 films on 16x9 TVs. As more and more people adopt HDTVs and more and more films receive HD transfers, I'm continually disheartened to see them broadcast in the wrong aspect ratio on so-called premium channels. While some channels do it right, others do it terribly wrong, using the wimpy excuse that people will complain. (Oh no! It's not like anyone's complaining NOW.)

It's worth noting that some channels (although no premiums that I know of) also give 4x3 material the same treatment. What does what gain when they remaster the complete "Seinfeld" in HD, only to crop the top and bottom of the image?

On his handy report card, Soderbergh touches on HBO's hypocrisy by pointing out that the channel's marketing targets the adventurous viewer, yet a different shape in which to view films would just be too much for them. But that doesn't quite capture the despicable level of double-standards that exists on the network.

Back before HDTVs had been widely adopted, HBO insisted on showing original programs like "The Sopranos" in widescreen on their SD channels. I have no problem with this decision on its own merits. Sure, the shows' makers knew that most of their viewers would be watching it on a 4:3 TV screen, but they picked a ratio and stuck with it. What gets me is HBO's apparent belief that their own original programming is worthy of special treatment—if the viewers don't like it, tough—yet real films that were made for actual cinema screens get chopped because viewers would complain if they were shown correctly. What the fuck?
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Thursday, July 23, 2009

SDP 14: Boy Wizards and Dancing Penises

Recorded 7/18/09, episode 14 of The Same Dame Podcast includes an in-depth discussion of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" along with reviews of "Brüno," "Moon" and "Death in Love." Plus, a special guest joins us in honor of the Emmy nominations. Also in case you're wondering, The Potter-related story that Jeremy thought sounded fake, was, indeed, fake. But the Huffington Post and other real-news organizations picked it up.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.
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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Dark Times at Hogwarts

In six films, the Harry Potter series has transformed from a wondrous tale of magic and adventure to a depiction of adolescents struggling to persevere in a terrorist state. David Yates's "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" is still extremely entertaining and at times quite funny, but it exists in an atmosphere of fear. Voldemort's band of Death Eaters are now out in the open, ready to appear at any moment and destroy lives and livelihoods.[bxA]

One of the film's first scenes, depicting an attack on London's Millennium Bridge, opens with a shot of ordinary businessmen in an office, looking out of their skyscraper window. We've seen the Muggle world before in Potter films, but it always held a bit of whimsy, serving as a slightly old-fashioned portal to the realm of magic in which the main story lives. By reminding us of banal, modern times, Yates immediately creates a feeling of disturbance in our everyday routine, a feeling shared by the kids at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

We've seen Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger—along with the actors who play them, Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson—grow up over the past six films. And if you thought dealing with teenage love and hormones was difficult, imagine what it must be like when dark magical forces are assaulting your school. Harry's longtime rival, Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton) has been enlisted to perform some sort of mysterious, sinister task for the Death Eaters, and Harry and friends can't quite get to the bottom of it.

In some ways, the teenage love angle feels a bit superfluous in a story with such high stakes. But we've been following these characters for some time, and it's important to remember who they are and where they are in their lives. These are kids, after all, trying to complete the equivalent of their junior year in high school. That they may need to save the world as they know it is a hard pill to swallow.

Jim Broadbent plays the teacher of the year, a potions master named Horace Slughorn who has always had an inclination for befriending—or "collecting," as wise, old headmaster Dumbledore says—the Hogwarts students who are sure to go on to great things. Dumbledore asks Harry to work up a relationship with the nervously bumbling, high-rolling teacher in the hopes that that he might confide in Harry certain key components of the series' over-arching mystery. Not surprisingly, Broadbent is fantastic, bringing both humor and intrigue to the part.

The greatest performance in the film, however, comes from Michael Gambon as Dumbledore. Gambon has been great since he took on the role in "Azkaban" following Richard Harris's death. But this film showcases all his fatherly, mischievous and mysterious traits as he guides Harry through his weighty responsibilities.

As someone who hasn't read past the second Potter book, I'm quite surprised to hear a number of people say that you must already be familiar with the book to understand the movie. Not so. There may be a few moments when the editing of a scene or a transition feels rushed, but this is the most expertly paced Potter film since "The Prisoner of Azkaban," which is an even more impressive feat when you consider the ever-growing size of the books.

Yates, who had previously done low-budget and/or TV work, proved himself immensely capable of a large-scale epic in the previous Potter film. But "Half-Blood Prince" finds the director even more at home at Hogwarts, willing and able to find new ways to shoot its now-familiar walls. We've seen these places before, but Yates looks at them differently in this film.

He creates two astounding set pieces of disorienting danger. One, set in a a wheat field, finds characters running toward a dangerous confrontation. The close-up shots and fast editing punctuate the feeling that we never know where danger will come from. The other, in a Hogwarts bathroom, is equally tight and intense. Making the ominous atmosphere more unsettling, Yates and cinematographer Bruno Delbonnel desaturate the colors to the point that everything but red appears nearly black and white. The colors are again stripped out during the film's frightening climax.

Yates would have triumphed simply with these thrilling scenes, but the quiet poignancy, especially in the film's closing moments, makes it a true triumph. No longer the fresh-eyed children gaping with wide eyes at their wondrous surroundings, our heroes are on the cusp of adulthood. As they look toward uncertain futures, they contemplate the past and the familiar surroundings they must leave behind. And just like the film, they see them anew.
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

They Say 13 is the Most Unlucky Number

I didn't find it to be that exactly, but I'll allow it as we had some technical difficulties getting this episode up.

Recorded 7/08/09, episode 13 of The Same Dame Podcast includes memorials to actor Karl Malden and silent film accompanist Bob Mitchell, exciting news about more stupid movie ideas based on nostalgic brands and lesbians…LESBIANS! Not to mention the reviews of "Whatever Works," "Public Enemies," "Away We Go" and "Chéri"—except we just mentioned them.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.
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Friday, July 3, 2009

You Know That Sesame Street Song Where All They Do is Count to 12?

How do they make it so catchy?

Recorded 6/28/09 (postponed due to Jeremy's auto wreck), episode 12 of The Same Dame Podcast only contains one movie review, for "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," but makes up for it with memorials for the dead, our take on Oscar weirdness and an interview with the director of one of the reviewed films—you'll have to listen to find out which one!

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.
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Monday, June 29, 2009

...but if Dr. House had shown up in the footage, the Bolivians might have gotten suspicious...

Charles Widmore, you scoundrel! First you fake the Oceanic Flight 815 crash site, now you dupe the Bolivians with your fake crash footage? What's your angle, Chuck? Trying to purge the poor Bolivians of their soybean market and making a mockery of their obviously stellar journalistic instincts? What did they ever do to you?
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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Bay Wants To Punch You in the Face With His New Movie

Michael Bay thinks robot testicles are a hilarious idea. He has many, many other bad ideas as well, all of which can be found in his new five-hour opus, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," and you can read my review of it here.

And speaking of eating shit, there's a scene in "Year One" where Jack Black, yes, eats shit. Find out if the rest of the movie is just as hilarious.
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Revenge of the Tylenol

I suppose whether or not you should see "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" depends on what you're seeking in a film. If you want a headache and to hear so many explosions that all sounds become meaningless, this film is for you. If you're looking for an entertaining—or simply coherent—story, compelling characters, well-played drama, funny gags or thrilling action, go elsewhere.

Of course, director Michael Bay's previous "Transformers" film was a gigantic hit despite resembling a gigantic shit, and the director's reputation for incomprehensible, fast-cut, noisy action has long followed him.

His new film's prehistoric prologue illustrates Bay's storytelling missteps. Some spear-armed hunters discover a giant alien ship with the founder of the Decepticons, whose name is The Fallen (or maybe just Fallen? Did he have a different name before he fell, or was it one of those self-fulfilling thingies?). Then the Fallen stomps on our ancestors. Admittedly not much of a scene, but the only part of it that matters is the surprise of the hunters when they find the Decepticons. The revelation comes via clunky editing and voice-over when it should offer some sort of magnificent reveal, or at least a good reaction shot. Instead it looks like this: hunters hunting, wide shot of of space ship and the Fallen (short for Fallonious?), various loud noises and smashing of your great-great-great-great-great-great granddad. It pains me to see Steven Spielberg's name under the Executive Producer credit and think that the master of the reveal shot didn't at least suggest an alternative approach.

I can muster up enough faint praise to say that some of the action scenes in the sequel are slightly easier to follow than in its predecessor. The underwhelming improvement derives from a few wide shots that actually follow the action long enough for the viewer to discern it (which isn't to say you won't see plenty of Bay's trademark awkward angles, meaningless close-ups and hack assemblies).

Unfortunately, he makes up for any mild visual improvements with some of the most grating scenes of all time. The film oscillates between over-serious pomposity and fourth-rate sitcom humor. I could spend pages describing everything wrong with the scenes depicting hero Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) as he prepares to leave for college while his dad acts giddy and his mother cries like a lunatic, or after he arrives at his dorm and his mom accidentally eats brownies with…well, I don't want to ruin the surprise. I could discuss the solemn gravity with which the film treats deaths whose permanence feels tenuous at best. But what's truly remarkable is how poorly the two elements mingle. Either Bay shovels nonsensical melodrama at full speed or he bashes us on the head with painfully unfunny bits, sometimes scrotum-inspired, delivered by either obnoxious, pretty people or obnoxious, ugly robots.

The ineptitude at work in these alien robots' character-design cannot be overstated. An extremely unpleasant feeling washed over me with every close-up. They're like dully lit vomit after an all-you-can-eat surplus-parts buffet. I wouldn't blink if you told me they were designed by the same second-graders who continue to add details to their drawings simply because empty space remains on the page. Yes, I realize I'm supposed to be blown away by every computer-generated nut and bolt, but I'd be much more amazed to detect some genuine emotion on the face of one of these drones.

So lifeless are the characters visually that they can't even match the weak caricatures suggested by the screenplay and voice-work. I'm sure no one could forget the Black Robot from the first film (and there were two yellow ones!), but the sequel tops his vaguely stereotypical dialogue with a pair of compact-hatchback-ad-bots who speak in hip-hop slang, have gold teeth and cop to illiteracy. It was near-impossible to distinguish most of the bots from one another in the first film, so instead of refining their design, Bay went and added a bunch more. It's generally impossible to figure out who's who, what they want or why they want it.

This film creates a rule about a mystical key in one scene and contradicts it less than 10 minutes later. It expects you to care about things when it hasn't given you a reason to. And the process takes two and a half hours. Take into account travel time and trailers and you could spend the time it takes to see "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" watching any of these films, among many others: "Nashville," "Lawrence of Arabia," "Magnolia," "The Big Parade," "Goodfellas" and "2001: A Space Odyssey." It's possible you've seen all these. I suggest you watch one of them again.
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Lessons in Film Directing From Michael Bay

This column, now missing somewhere inside In Utah This Week's intertubes, coincided with the release of the first "Transformers" film and is, I think, a helpful primer on the director's work.

There are many people who knew everything there was to know about the characters in "Transformers" before the film came out. I must confess, however, that I am not one of them.

While I hoped that "Transformers" would be a fun showcase for its much-hyped special effects, I knew little about the shape-shifting robots who are sentient alien beings (or whatever). So I relied entirely on the filmmaking techniques of director Michael Bay to entertain me and bring me up to speed.

But Bay didn't make it easy to follow the characters or, in most cases, even tell them apart. I figured out the semi-truck Optimus Prime thanks to the tacky paint job, and the lovable loser Bumblebee because he had the most screen time. But it was still hard to discern Bumblebee from the other yellow one ("There was another yellow one?" a colleague asked at the end of the screening). And although all the evil Transformers (Decepticons) used cool army vehicles as their disguises, the only one who had any personality was the little one who pretended to be a boom box and a cell phone.

William Shakespeare put it best when he wrote about a Bay film, "It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing" (or was that a Tony Scott review?). How does Bay turn even the simplest silly popcorn movie into a headache? He spent years developing his technique, fine-tuning it from the slick, over-blown, in-your-face action of "The Rock" to the disorienting nonsense of "Armageddon." Through an intense study of his films—and in the case of Bay films, "intense study" doesn't imply multiple viewings—I have uncovered a few of his filmmaking secrets.

Character development: The trick is to wait until a robot dies, then have another robot call him "brother," to signify a deep, meaningful connection. It's so much easier than making the characters interesting throughout the whole film. Also, a love triangle makes a historic bombing much more engaging.

Sound design: By cranking up his sound mix with so many ear-shattering clanks and explosions, Bay deftly removes any sense of dynamics from his films, hence depriving the audience of a sense of surprise or importance when the bigger dramatic moments arrive. In "Transformers," he even ruins what should be a funny gag about a phone operator who refuses to put a soldier through to the Pentagon, insisting on a constant barrage of background explosions instead of carefully placed comedic punctuation. Bay may have outdone the barrage of "Armageddon" with the last hour of "Transformers," which is simply one big high-volume drone. It even outdoes "The Island," which had an intriguing start before Bay punished the audience for being interested.

Constant cuts and unclear compositions: Bay matches his love for loud, piercing noises with loud, piercing visuals. Watch any clip from "Armageddon" and see a bunch of random shots work against each other to deprive the audience of any sense of what's happening. The trick is never to stop, thus never giving the audience time to realize that nothing happened. What should be a cool shot of a Transformer running, jumping and turning into a a car before hitting the ground loses its awe due to an arbitrary angle and a cut that actually makes it harder to see the wow moment. After watching "Transformers," I saw an ad for the "Transformers" video game and got more of an impression of how the characters look and move than I did in all 144 minutes of the movie.

Cool shots, no point: Bay has devised some rather remarkable visual ideas, but he doesn't let that diminish his reputation as a Hollywood hack. He usually finds a way to use his ideas to detract from whatever story he's allegedly telling. In "Pearl Harbor," there's a rather amazing shot over the top of a bomb as it drops on the U.S. naval fleet. But rather than use the shot for the first bomb that dropped, or another bomb that had a significant impact on the film's characters, Bay buries it amongst a collection of meaningless explosions. During a "Transformers" fight scene, the camera rattles around inside the car of two characters who have nothing to do with the movie. The important action is barely visible through their window. Remarkable.

Dialogue: No matter who wrote the screenplay, Bay will make sure there are a few classic lines. From "Pearl Harbor:" "It's your nose that hurts." "I think it's my heart." From "Transformers:" "We were deceived by the Decepticons." (Yup—you'd think they'd have seen it coming.) Honorable mention goes to, "Put the cube in my chest," which Optimus Prime repeats five times in as many minutes. A different phrase kept repeating in my head: "Sneak out and see and see what else is playing in the multiplex."
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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I Suppose a 'Goes Up to Eleven' Reference Would be too Obvious

Recorded 6/20/09, episode 11 of The Same Dame Podcast opens with a bout of depression (re: "Year One") and somehow devolves into a discussion about unorthodox procreation practices. In between, we discover Jeremy’s burgeoning second career as a lasso-clad porn star and take a look at fellow professional lover Sasha Grey’s least-penetrative role to date in "The Girlfriend Experience."

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.
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Monday, June 15, 2009

Criterion Restores 15 Minutes of Lost 'Marienbad' Fart Jokes

When Alain Resnais released "Last Year at Marienbad" in 1961, he was under extreme pressure to keep the running-time at 95 minutes or less. At the end of a heated editing-room fight, his producers forced him to cut a full 15-minutes of fart jokes, which for the past half-century were believed lost. But the Criterion Collection's new, director-approved DVD and Blu-ray release of the classic masterpiece restores this legendary cinematic treasure trove, oft compared with the missing footage from "Greed" and "The Magnificent Ambersons." Criterion managed to keep it a secret for some time, but made the big announcement in a new ad on The Awl:



As of publication, you can still see the ad on The Awl. Try refreshing the page a few time if it doesn't pop up the first time (because an ad for "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" appears instead).

Having spent a little time with the DVD, which comes out June 23rd, I can tell you that not only is the transfer gorgeous, but the restored footage is 100-percent on the same level as the previously known cut. Every new fart joke had me on the floor. Bravo, Renais, and congratulations to Criterion for this momentous discovery.

A quick sample Alain Robbe-Grillet's dialogue, to get you excited:


-I've never farted in anyone's face.

-I remember it clearly. It was in the gardens at Frederiksbad. I was sitting alone, beside a statue. I noticed you along the balustrade. You were alone, to one side. You came towards me now, but you didn't seem to see me. I told you you looked alive. Then you looked at me, turned around, spread your cheeks, stuck your ass in my face and let one rip.

-But I've never been to Frederiksbad.



It was evening. The last evening probably. It was almost dark. A faint shadow moved slowly through the dusk. Even before I could make out your features, I knew it was you. I couldn't mistake the remarkably strong, slightly sweet stench that had wafted from your behind. When you recognized me, you stopped. We stood there, a few yards apart, without speaking. The only sounds we made came from our anuses—mine so faint you weren't sure I made them until you caught the oh so deadly scent, yours as loud as a tugboat. You stood in front of me, waiting perhaps, as if unable to take another step forward or turn back.
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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Talk About Final Destination 3-D

If you don't like to make jokes in bad taste, it's best to just avoid this article.

An Italian woman who arrived late for the Air France plane flight that crashed in the Atlantic last week, killing all 228 on board, has died in a car accident, Italy's ANSA news agency reported.


(tip: Joe Beatty)
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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

SDP Joins Commandments, Fingers, Toes, Kieślowski and Bo Derek with Perfect 10

Recorded 6/7/09, episode 10 of The Same Dame Podcast features news on Carradine, Waldo, Ghostbusting, Archie, Brüno and other fictional characters. And we review "Up," "Drag Me to Hell," "Land of the Lost," "The Hangover" and "Brothers Bloom." Unfortunately, this episode was so packed that we had no room for special guests, but we'll try to remedy that in the future.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.
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Monday, June 8, 2009

Drag Me Up to the Limits of Salvation....uh....Smithsonian.

See what I did there? I made an entire sentence out of words from movies I recently reviewed. And the sentence made perfect sense, too. Go ahead, read it again.

I'm waiting....

Rolls off the tongue, eh?

Well, now that I've procrastinated long enough, here are five tasty reviews. From best movie to worst:

"Up"

"Drag Me to Hell"

"The Limits of Control"

"Terminator Salvation"

And for this last one...I'll let you choose between two different reviews for "Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian." The first is mine at IGMS; the second is Peter Bart's at Variety. While you're making your decision, let me offer this promise: I won't repeatedly refer to "Night at the Museum" as "surrealism" (I don't think this is what Breton, Bunuel, etc. had in mind), AND I will not - I repeat, NOT - refer to Shawn Levy as "a fabulously talented director," and I will NOT argue that a sequel to a movie that made $575 million worldwide, and which follows virtually the exact same plot formula as the original, is somehow "daring."
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Friday, May 29, 2009

Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine

Recorded 5/24/09, episode 9 of The Same Dame Podcast features reviews of "Terminator Salvation" and "Angels and Demons." Our friend George Lucas also joins us to talk about the CG Arnold and its termination skills. After that, we recap a Cannes Film Festival we didn't attend and check in on the latest news, including at long last…"Ghostbusters 3."

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.
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Monday, May 25, 2009

VIDOR SILENTS ALERT!!!!

Praise be to the King! In the next couple weeks, Turner Classic Movies will air two essential pieces of filmmaking that you can't get on DVD. While director King Vidor is known largely for his work on sound pictures, the pinnacle of his work came with his two silent-era masterpieces, "The Big Parade" (1925) and "The Crowd" (1928).

First off, tonight at 2:45am, "The Big Parade" caps off TCM's Memorial Day weekend tribute to WWI. If that doesn't knock you on your ass, wait tell you see the triumph of visual storytelling that is "The Crowd," which airs 9pm on Wednesday June 3, as part of a day devoted to Vidor.

It's been four years since these films aired, and while Warner has been promising to release them on DVD soon, they've been promising that for years.
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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Know Thine Enemy




A film must understand the nature of its villain. The code it operates by, its physical abilities and limitations, its ultimate goals—all these factors determine the kind of force that our hero will square off against. If the director and screenwriters don't understand these basic principals (or at least make clear that they can't be understood), there's no hope for the audience.

"Terminator Salvation" not only misunderstands its villain, it blatantly contradicts its own descriptions of it. Here is a film so confused about what it's doing that it gives its title twice during the opening credits. We're told one thing in expositional dialogue, but see another when the robotic bad guys come out to fight.

The self-aware computer/machine Skynet (not to be confused with the relatively benign Sky Network in the UK) created robots called Terminators, but a more apropos name would have been "Throwerators." These super-strength robots were created for one task: killing humans. But whenever they get their hands on one, whose neck they could easily break, whose heart they could rip out, whose brain they could squash, whose spine they could snap, they merely throw them against something (usually a wall). And don't get me started on their aim when they actually decide to shoot their laser guns at people.

There's a reason that the first two Terminator movies were primarily chases, and particularly tense ones: If the robot got close enough to its targets, it would kill them. Director McG missed that factor when he designed "Terminator: Salvation's" fight scenes, which are based on hand-to-hand combat against robots undeniably superior in strength. Even if the scenes were well-done (they more often tend toward mediocrity), it would be hard to shake the feeling that apocalyptic prophet John Connor should have died the first time a Terminator grabbed hold of him.

Played by Christian Bale in this installment, Connor has lost all the piss and vinegar of the young lad portrayed by Edward Furlong in "Terminator 2: Judgement Day." He now acts resolutely somber and repeats the same three or four lines of character points without humor or energy. Sure, he's living in a desolate wasteland inhabited by robots who want him dead (incompetence notwithstanding), but come on mate, give us a smile.

Sam Worthington as Marcus Wright proves that not everyone acts like such a mind-numbing spoilsport in the future. Marcus donated his body to science while on death row in 2003. Imagine his surprise when he wakes up in an empty, destroyed Los Angeles in 2018, looking the same age.

Under seige, he meets teenager Kyle Reese (Anton Yelchin), the character played by Michael Biehn in the first "Terminator." From that film, we know little Kyle will grow up to travel through time to protect and impregnate Connor's mother, assuming the future and/or past don't change. Kyle teaches Marcus about the Skynet robots, and Marcus serves as a father figure to the lad. Oh yeah, I almost forgot: A randomly thrown-in mute girl named Star travels with them as well.

Just when the Reese-Wright relationship starts to get interesting, the film abandons it to propel its nonsensical plot. McG continually loses sight of his film's greatest assets to focus on silliness like Skynet's Holocaust-esque human-transport machine. Skynet is wasting resources to move humans when its only known goal is to kill them. One would think that the resistance would at least investigate why the machines are going through all this trouble. Instead, the humans stand around bored, waiting for another robot attack so they can ineffectively smack the mechanical behemoths who want nothing more than to throw them against walls.
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