The Same Dame

Jeremy's Top 10 Films of 2011

2012-02-02T16:17:00.002-07:00

1. Meek's Cutoff
There is a lingering, haunting feeling that persists after watching Kelly Reichardt's study of desperation and madness in the endless Oregon Desert. "Meek's Cutoff" encapsulates fear, anxiety, anger and grief as it follows the tribulations of its lost pioneers and their dubious guide. Christopher Blauvelt's exquisite cinematography blends with brilliant slow dissolves and anguished performances to capture a sort of resigned insanity.

2. "Midnight in Paris"
Woody Allen's nostalgic fantasy captures the allure of a majestic city and the melancholy that not everyone can see its majesty. It's also damn funny — only John Cusack (in "Bullets Over Broadway") rivals Owen Wilson as a Woody stand-in. Allen stacks his film with 1920s cultural references both obscure and obvious, and crafts some of the year's funniest scenes (such as when Wilson spots a familiar Picasso at the Orangerie), but the film's greatest achievement is its feel — a mixture of both joy and longing, a yearning for what never was, and a reluctance to embrace what can be.

3. 13 Assassins
The oft-controversial Japanese director Takashi Miike put the directors behind this summer's Hollywood blockbusters to shame with the thrilling 40-minute climax of "13 Assassins." Approaching the film like a stately Samurai classic (albeit with some distinct Miike-isms), he steadily builds up the character relationships, then whirls it all into the smart, virtuoso finale.

4. A Separation
A sprawling study of moral dilemmas, grey zones and lies, "A Separation" unassumingly lets a key event unfold, then watches as it fuels a pile-up collision of hangups, denials and weasel words. This is character study at its finest — it lets no one off the hook, yet understands everyone's feeling and motivations. Writer/director Asghar Farhadi toys with the characters' conflicting version of stories without any flashbacks or retellings from different points of view. You only see it once, then as the truth gets continually muddled, you spend the rest of the film trying to remind yourself what you actually saw.

5. The Time That Remains
When you sit down to watch a film that tells the history of the Israeli state from its inception in 1948 to present day, you might not expect a carefully constructed comedy built on visual wit that recalls Jacques Tati and Buster Keaton. But that's what writer/director Elia Suleiman achieves in this deeply personal story of his father's struggles as a resistance fighter, and his own life growing up as an "Israeli-Arab" minority. In equal parts hilarious and heartbreaking, "The Time That Remains" is a wholly individual war film.

6. Take Shelter
Michael Shannon gave the performance of the year as a man whose feelings of dread just won't go away, no matter how hard he tries to shake them. Jeff Nichols's "Take Shelter" deftly studies the mind of a man who suspects he's going insane, but can't stop the urge to prepare for the visions seen in his apocalyptic nightmares. The film is visually stunning from the first shot to the last, and the supporting performances — especially Jessica Chastain's — live up to Shannon's.

7. The Tree of Life
Terrence Malick's poetic feast of a film isn't simply visually breathtaking. It's a carefully constructed meditation on the memories that stick around through all of life's changes and surprises. The film is at its best when recalling the impressions, lessons and disappointments bundled inside childhood memories, which flow in a moving, free-association succession.

8. Rango
"Rango" is like "Chinatown" meets a Sergio Leone western meets "Star Wars" but, you know, for kids. Gore Verbinski's first animated film is also his best, thanks to the brilliant visuals and John Logan's endlessly clever screenplay. Whether you're a kid watching a movie for the first time or a reference-loving nerd, this is top-rate entertainment.

9. Hugo (2D version)
What appeared on the surface to be a children's adventure film turned out to be a deeply personal work from the great Martin Scorsese. "Hugo" is about the importance of remembering our heritage and appreciating the art that has come before, bundled into a highly amusing adventure story, starring whiz kids Asa Butterfield and Chloë Grace Moretz, alongside Ben Kingsley and Sacha Baron Cohen.

10. Martha May Marcy Marlene
The story of a mind ingrained with fear, writer/director Sean Durkin's "Martha May Marcy Marlene" tracks two timelines as it explores the hows, the whys and the aftermath of joining a cult. Elizabeth Olsen delivers a brave performance of fear and fragility, while John Hawks boasts another standout role as the manipulative cult leader.

Eleven tied for 11th:
"Beginners"
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, part 2"
"Mission: Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol"
"My Joy"
"The Mysteries of Lisbon"
"Le Quattro Volte"
"Tabloid"
"Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy"
"Tuesday, After Christmas"
"Uncle Boonme Who Can Recall His Past Lives"
"We Need to Talk About Kevin"

Honorable mention:
"The Arbor"
"The Artist"
"Attack the Block"
"The Autobiography of Nicolae Ceausescu"
"Bridesmaids"
"Bill Cunningham, New York"
"Cave of Forgotten Dreams"
"Ceremony"
"Contagion"
"The Descendants"
"Drive"
"The Guard"
"Hanna"
"The Interrupters"
"Into the Abyss"
"The Mill and the Cross"
"The Muppets"
"Nostalgia for the Light"
"Pina"
"Poetry"
"Project Nim"
"Rebirth"
"Rise of the Planet of the Apes"
"Shame"
"Super 8"
"The Trip"
"Tomboy"
"Tyrannosaur"
"We Were Here"
"Weekend"

The Same Dame Presents: Chris and Jeremy's Speech: The Only Oscar Article That's Longer Than the Oscars®: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire

2011-02-27T03:33:00.017-07:00

And now ... your hosts for the 83rd Annual Academy Awards ... James Franco and Anne Hathaway!!

James Franco: Hi everyone, I’m James Franco and I don’t have any arms.

Anne Hathaway: And I’m Anne Hathway, and I have Parkinson’s Disease.

James Franco: We’re both very happy to be here hosting the Oscars. And we promise we won’t make fun of all you secretly gay Scientologists and recovering drug addicts. The Kodak Theatre is a classy joint. And I oughtta know joints – I just smoked one backstage with Sandra Bullock.

Anne Hathaway: You know Bullock’s a narc, right?

James Franco: Dammit! Although that probably explains why she won an Oscar for that shitty “Blind Side” movie last year. No way anyone votes for that performance unless they’ve got some warrants hanging over their head. Sounds like Sandy made ‘em an offer they couldn’t refuse.

Anne Hathaway: On that note, let’s get to our first award!

Best Supporting Actor

Christian Bale, “The Fighter”
John Hawkes, “Winter’s Bone”
Jeremy Renner, “The Town”
Mark Ruffalo, “The Kids Are All Right”
Geoffrey Rush, “The King’s Speech”

Introducing the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor, please welcome Guy Pearce!

Guy Pearce: If any actor knows how to support a movie, it’s Guy Pearce. Not to toot my own horn, but do you want to know the thing that this year’s eventual Best Picture winner, and last year’s Best Picture winner, had in common?

Give up?

I’ll tell you: Guy. Fucking. Pearce. That’s right, I supported the shit out of those movies. An Oscar is all the thanks I need; I’m just in it for the love of the game.

By the way, has anyone seen my career walking around lately?

Jeremy says: The category is very strong this year, but I’ve assumed this one was a lock for Christian Bale since I saw “The Fighter.” His performance is the kind of thing Academy voters love — a fast-talking drug addict with a larger-than-life personality — and as a bonus, he happens to be really good in it. If there’s going to be an upset, it’ll be Geoffrey Rush riding a bigger-than-realized “The King’s Speech” wave. Australians love to surf, you know.

John Hawkes provides a wonderfully nuanced performance in “Winter’s Bone,” but as far as the Academy is concerned his award is in the nomination, which is a shame. His portrayal of a dangerous yet complex man is the best of the nominees.

Which isn’t meant to take away from Mark Ruffalo’s performance, which basically made “The Kids Are All Right.” The man can do so much with a facial reaction or a twitch that he should have more nominations in the history books than he does. (In case you were wondering, that number of past nominations is zero. Zilch. Nada. Other words that mean zero. Not for “You Can Count on Me.” Not for “Zodiac.” Not for “The Brothers Bloom.” Not for “Just Like Heaven” — which is kind of a joke, but he really gives a great romantic comedy performance in it. He was even charming in “13 Going on 30” for Christ’s sake.)

Chris says: First of all, Ruffalo was terrible in “Just Like Heaven.” (And I love the guy.) Secondly, Jeremy is right about everything else he said. Every Australian I’ve ever met has been a surfing fiend, for example.

I was pleased to see Hawkes get recognized. The guy’s been doing great character work for years, but rarely in the types of films the Academy bothers to care about. As good as Bale was in “The Fighter,” Hawkes gave the best performance of the bunch. I’d love to see an upset here, but I can’t see it happening – so I’m picking Bale, but I’m rooting for Hawkes.

Christian Bale: Oh, GOOOOOOOD for YOOOUUUUU! You and me, Bellamy? We’re fuckin’ done professionally, man! We’re fuckin’ done!

Chris: Anyway, to give credit where credit is due, I’ll give it up for Bale. From the opening moments of “The Fighter,” he commands our attention so completely, we can’t help but be mesmerized. It’s a tricky thing to actually pull off such a high-strung role without it devolving into needy Oscar trolling or self-parody, but Bale pulls it off. Probably because nobody walked through his fuckin’ shots to mess with the fuckin’ lights when he was tryin’ to do a scene.

While I like Renner and “The Town,” I didn’t think he was quite award-worthy. Andrew Garfield deserved consideration for either “The Social Network” or – preferably – “Never Let Me Go,” the year’s most underappreciated film. But perhaps even more deserving was Rhys Ifans for his loving, gentle and profoundly human performance in Noah Baumbach’s “Greenberg.”

Best Supporting Actress

Amy Adams, “The Fighter”
Helena Bonham Carter, “The King’s Speech”
Melissa Leo, “The Fighter”
Hailee Steinfeld, “True Grit”
Jacki Weaver, “Animal Kingdom”

Please welcome Haley Joel Osment and Keisha Castle-Hughes to introduce the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress!

Haley Joel Osment: Well, Keisha and I were both nominated in the supporting acting categories at a young age, and that was a real springboard for our careers. I know Keisha has some exciting projects in the pipeline.

Keisha Castle-Hughes: That’s right! Currently I’m starring in “Whale Rider: The Musical” at the Gershwin Theatre.

Haley Joel Osment: Hey, I sell popcorn and candy there! Plus, the manager lets me sleep in the closet on weekends. As long as I'm out by morning.

Keisha Castle Hughes: That’s so great! What else have you been up to lately?

Haley Joel Osment: Well, uh, recently I’ve gotten into the aluminum can industry. So I’m gonna ride that out for a while. By the way, Keisha, do you have change for the bus?

Chris says: If there’s one thing the Academy is attached to, it’s tradition. And there’s no more reliable Oscar tradition than nominating a lead actor for a supporting part – and vice versa. So let’s give it up for Hailee Steinfeld, whose nomination carries on this grand tradition.

Academy Voter: Sssshhhh, Bellamy! She doesn’t know that being the protagonist and appearing in almost every single scene of the movie qualifies as a lead role – she’s just a dumb little kid. Do you know who her agent is? A Teddy Ruxpin doll, that’s who. Just keep this shit to yourself! You too, Mathews!

Jeremy: Ah, nuts.

Chris: Ahem … my apologies. Nevermind, Hailee, I was only kidding.… uh … Hey, look behind you – it’s Justin Bieber! [Pause] Phew! OK, Academy, she’s gone – we can speak freely now. Back to the nominations. I think it’s just adorable that you Academy folks finally deemed Helena Bonham Carter worthy of your attention again now that she finally played a Proper English Bird (P.E.B.) after more than a decade of dirtying herself up for roles. No “Fight Club”? No “Sweeney Todd”?

Academy Voter: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa – Ms. Carter used the word “abortion” in the deleted scenes for “Fight Club”! The Academy has standards, ya know!!

Chris: Fair enough. Anyway, what’s most unfortunate is that she only gets recognized – her second nod, after the VERY prim and proper Henry James adaptation “The Wings of the Dove” – because you guys didn’t know who else to nominate, so you figure, fuck it, what’s the big frontrunner this year? “The King’s Speech,” eh? Are there any chicks in it? Fine, nominate one of ‘em. Poor Helena.

You want a British lady in your field of nominations? Look, I’ll give you a British lady. How about Jessica Barden for stealing every scene in “Tamara Drewe”? How about Lesley Manville? Or will you nominate her – wait for it … wait for it … another year? (Hahahahahahaha!) Olivia Williams in “The Ghost Writer”? Rebecca Hall in “Please Give”? Lucy Punch in “You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger”? I won’t even MENTION the Greta Gerwig-in-“Greenberg” snub, because she’s not even British.

Anyway … one of the Academy’s other great traditions is the old Whoops, We Should Have Given You An Oscar That One Year So Now We’ll Give You One This Year Instead. So I can go waaaaay out on a limb and pick Amy Adams to win after she got robbed for “Junebug” in 2004 … but it’s her “The Fighter” co-star Melissa Leo who’s gotten all the award-season love. She seemed quite a likely winner for this award until her supposedly “self-gratifying” (as if the Oscars are anything but) campaign ad seems to have turned people off her. So that brings us back to Steinfeld. Like so many Coen performances before her, Steinfeld absolutely nailed it in a role even more challenging than some might think. She’s basically playing a somewhat comically absurd character, but she can’t ever give any hint that she knows she’s being funny. And she doesn’t, delivering all that cracklin’ dialogue with a straight face and surgical precision. And with Leo pissing people off, that opens the door for Steinfeld to pull the upset … and a deserving one, if you forget the fact that it’s not a supporting fucking role.

So Ms. Leo, if you’re wondering where your shoo-in Oscar went, it’s being held by a 15-year-old kid.

Jackie Treehorn: A fifteen-year-old kid … is this some sort of joke?

Chris: No, no joke, man … Fuckin’ social studies…

Jeremy says: Did Bellamy just compare himself to The Dude? I love ya, buddy, but I don’t know if anyone but Jeff Bridges can be The Dude.

I must admit, when I watched “The Fighter” I assumed it would be Amy Adams with more of the award buzz. After all, she plays a hardened, tough chick — a different thing for her — and plays it very well. But I guess it wasn’t fucking over the top enough. I’M CRAZY!!! GIVE ME AN OSCAR.

Now, first things first, I don’t think any actual voters really give a fuck about Leo’s campaign. Remember when Nicolas Chartier ruined “The Hurt Locker’s” chance of a win and stopped Kathryn Bigelow from becoming the first woman ever to win a Best Director Oscar?

The truth of the matter is that the Oscar predictors like to stir up shit because it gives them something to write about. If there were no developments during Oscar season, they’d just have to make up shit about a late “127 Hours” surge.

So when Steinfeld pulls the upset, it won’t be because Leo fucked it up, or because she’s really, truly, obviously the leading actress, but because she kicks ass. She kicks so much fucking ass.

Best Art Direction

“Alice in Wonderland” – Robert Stromberg, Karen O’Hara
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I” – Stuart Craig, Stephenie McMillan
“Inception” – Guy Hendrix Dyas, Larry Dias, Douglas A. Mowat
“The King’s Speech” – Eve Stewart, Judy Farr
“True Grit” – Jess Gonchor, Nancy Haigh

Please welcome the director of the Academy Award-winning classic “Mrs. Doubtfire,” Chris Columbus!

Chris Columbus: What’s with nominating “Harry Potter” for awards? Everyone knows the films have been shit since I stopped directing them! And I never got nothin’ from you Oscar folks! Where’s MY award? I’m a visionary! I directed “Bicentennial Man,” goddammit!

Jeremy says: Here we have a group of respectable nominees, most of which history tells you Academy voters have no chance of awarding. Some people have predicted “Inception” for this category. After all, if you mute that infernal dialogue the film has some pretty remarkable visuals. But anyone who has tried to predict this category in the past ought to know that thoughtful, elaborate contemporary design usually doesn’t win you Oscars — hell, it usually doesn’t even get you nominated. I can certainly envision a world in which Dyas, Dias and Mowat receive an award for creating a collection of mental environments and psychological puzzles, but I just don’t think it’s the world we’re living in.

Did Warner Bros. come up with an ingenious For Your Consideration Art Direction campaign that I missed?

“True Grit,” of course, has no chance because a lot of the movie takes place outside, and most of the interiors are just some slabs of wood thrown together. All really slapdash, eh? Jess Gonchor and Nancy Haigh did some fine work but it will of course be ignored because it isn’t the type of thing the academy appreciates.

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” is my favorite. It features some great environments and props, clever in both design and references, but the movie itself didn’t receive enough praise for voters to notice the stuff that doesn’t call attention to itself.

In my cynical mind, this movie is a two-horse race between “Alice in Wonderland” and “The King’s Speech.”

And “The King’s Speech” does have some nice production design, particularly in the offices and living quarters of Geoffrey Rush’s speech therapist character. So what if all Eve Stewart and Judy Farr did was tour all the gay porn studios in London and pick the one they liked best? That still took work. Hard work. They even moved out the pool table.

But in all seriousness, it’s very nice. Those gays know how to pick ‘em.

P.S. You may want to check for pop-under windows after loading that link. But it’s worth it.

Chris says: Wait, you’re saying “The King’s Speech” wasn’t a gay porn movie? Well I’ll be!

(Snookered, that is.)

Anyway, I still don’t believe you. What about that part when that speech therapist tells Colin Firth to put “marbles” in his mouth? You know what “marbles” means, don’t you?

(It means balls! And you know what “balls” means, don’t you? It means TESTICLES.)

And what about that one scene where that other speech therapist is like, “Mmmm, that’s a mighty big chair you have, you adorable King you!”

Yeah, I think we can read between the lines, Jeremy.

Anyway, yes, as you suggested, “Inception” would make for a fine winner – and would be my choice of the three – but I’m not foolish enough to pick it as the winner. I’m unfortunately going to be saying this a lot tonight, but I think it’ll go to “The King’s Speech.” I think we’d agree that, as usual with the Coens, the visual elements are strong across the board. And you and I were both impressed with the artistry in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” – particularly the exquisite design of the Ministry of Magic’s propaganda, deliberately reminiscent of Nazi- and Cold War-era propaganda.

But could we expect that movie, or something contemporary like “Inception,” or even something that wasn’t nominated like “Shutter Island,” to defeat an Important Historical Period Piece like “The King’s Speech”? Forget it, Jeremy – it’s art direction.

Best Costume Design

“Alice in Wonderland” – Colleen Atwood
“I Am Love” – Antonella Cannarozzi
“The King’s Speech” – Jenny Beavan
“The Tempest” – Sandy Powell
“True Grit” – Mary Zophres

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Academy Award nominee *cough*for best song*cough Julie Taymor!

Julie Taymor: Thank you very much. The craft of costuming is one I have valued in both my films and in my stage work, such as “The Lion King.” Everyone said my use of animal masks was a big risk, but it turned into a big hit. It was then that I decided to always take r—

(Spider-Man swings across the stage, linking his webs as he swings around until he slips and falls, crashing into the podium.)

Taymor: You OK, Spidey?

Spider-Man: Yeah. Heh. Just a bit of a slip, nothing big. I just wanted to say hi and thank all the costume designers who decided it’d be a good idea to cover my face so that Sam Raimi always had to find excuses for me to take my mask off. Good stuff. Well, I better be off — I have some rehearsals to attend!

(Spider-Man shoots his web to the ceiling and starts to swing out of the theater, but oh no! The humanity! The lights he attached his web to fall, and free-fall straight onto Andrew Garfield, who spills his champagne all over his tuxedo before being electrocuted to death. David Fincher looks vaguely concerned. He thinks he left the gas on at home.)

Chris says: OK, guys – what the fuck. We’re in crisis mode here. Did you guys even SEE “I Am Love” before nominating it? Did you even KNOW that it’s – oh god, I’m gonna throw up – set in the MODERN DAY???? For years we’ve been convincing audiences that the only movies that have costumes are old-fashioned period pieces! And now you decide to destroy all that we’ve built? Our partners in the Victorian and Elizabethan fashion industries are NOT going to be happy with us.

Can you imagine what will happen if it WINS? Audience members will start gettin’ wise! They’ll never take us seriously when we automatically give the award to a movie called “The Royal Corset and Golden Petticoat That Ate the Queen’s Powdered Wig” as a knee-jerk reaction again!

And now I’m supposed to convince voters to pick a movie like “The King’s Speech,” which didn’t even have any costume design at all because those dudes were completely naked the whole time? Fuck it, we’re doing it anyway. Throw everything at “The King’s Speech.” We’ll CGI some costumes and wigs on those fuckers. And hey, whoa, whoa, I wasn’t calling ‘em “fuckers” like, “Hey, you fuckers!” I just meant, ‘cause, like, they’re fucking and stuff. Wait, wait, wait … does jizz count as a costume? Does it depend on the amount of jizz? Bah, nevermind, we’ll work out those details later.

Harvey Weinstein: Wait, that’ll still get us a PG-13, right?

Chris: Yeah, no worries, Harv. Plus, I think I just got you an extra Academy Award, how’s that sound? How’d ya like to put “WINNER: Best Costume Design!” across the cover of the “King’s Speech” Blu-ray?

But just as a public service, I should mention that, in the event that “I Am Love” does win, the winner’s name must be pronounced like this:

Jeremy says: Also weird: Giving credit to the craft in a dingy old Western? What the fuck? I’m beginning to think the Academy liked “True Grit” more than they’ve been letting on. It’ll probably sweep its categories.

But in the event that it doesn’t, I’m really leaning toward “The King’s Damn Speech.” I mean, I could make persuasive arguments for all the other nominees, but I don’t even know if I should consider Colleen Atwood’s possible win for all those trippy “Alice in Wonderland” costumes. And I don’t know if anyone saw “The Tempest.”

Best Makeup

“Barney’s Version” – Adrien Morot
“The Way Back” – Edouard F. Henriques, Greg Funk, Yolanda Toussieng
“The Wolfman” – Rick Baker, Dave Elsey

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome two pioneers of makeup-wearing – Max Schreck and Lon Chaney.

Max Schreck: Willkommen.

Klaus Kinski: Lon Chaney couldn’t make it tonight because he had to have his arms cut off, but seeing as I played the same character as Herr Schreck, I vill introduce einen award. Who wants to play Russian Roulette?

Max Schreck: Nein! Do not point that thing at Jack Nicholson. He wore makeup when he play das joker!

Klaus Kinski: Perhaps a razor blade would be better? Those pointy ears would be so much better, Herr Schreck, if I were to carve a cunt into them!

Max Schreck: Yes, makeup could present a horrific wound such as the one of vich you speak. Isn’t makeup vonderful?

Klaus Kinski: Makeup is for girly men who don’t vork wid real directors!

Werner Herzog (from audience): Oh, once you cut a vagina into someone’s ear, it never heals properly.

Jeremy says: This year’s makeup category features three films that each to do different things with makeup very well. Choosing between them is almost ridiculous — they each succeed in different endeavors.

“Barney’s Version” follows its characters through not only different ages, but also different eras and styles of hair, facial hair and makeup.

If I had to vote in the category, I’d probably go for “The Way Back” for its memorable depiction of exhaustion, sunburn, rot, freeze and mosquito bites. The film is about a harrowing journey by foot, and the makeup that really makes you feel the strain of the journey. In fact, I’m kind of tempted to predict it to win in an upset, but I’m not sure how many voters even saw the film.

And those who didn’t see any of the films will surely vote for “The Wolfman.” While the film effectively became the butt of jokes when it came out after 73 years of post-production, a lot of craft went into bringing that nonsensical screenplay to life. The film’s tempo and visual style is erratic, its plot confused, its CG silly, and its grandiose dialogue often laughable, but you can’t really complain about the makeup, which is featured quite prominently in the film’s climax.

Chris says: What Jeremy said. I don’t really have time to make any other predictions right now – Klaus Kinski just shot me in the leg because he said I was breathing too loudly. And he just keeps smiling at me! I think I have to go to the hospital.

Best Original Score

“127 Hours” – A.R. Rahman
“How to Train Your Dragon” – John Powell
“Inception” – Hans Zimmer
“The King’s Speech” – Alexandre Desplat
“The Social Network” – Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross

Presenting the Oscar for Best Original Score, please welcome Random Goth Girl From Mid to Late 1990s!

Random Goth Girl From Mid to Late 1990s: Know who’s a genius? Trent fucking Reznor. He isn’t only a talented musician, but a poet and a prophet. It is a joke that —

Kanye West pushes the Inception button

Random Goth Girl From Mid to Late 1990s: You have something to say, Kanye?

Kanye West: Nah, I just like this button. I don’t like to interrupt. Go ahead and finish.

Random Goth Girl From Mid to Late 1990s: OK, as I was saying, it’s a crime that David Fincher didn’t allow Reznor to write lyrics for “The Social Network.”

Kanye West pushes the Inception button

Random Goth Girl From Mid to Late 1990s: Who doesn’t want to fuck someone like an animal? Not to mention that “The ruiner’s your only friend well he’s the living end to the cattle he deceives.” Think about THAT. Trent Reznor is the only one who understands my pain, so he better win this award or a lifetime of fucking things up will be fixed in one determined flash.

Chris says: I typically love Alexandre Desplat, but I’ll be pissed if he pulls the upset this year because Trent Reznor’s score plays such a crucial role in the way “The Social Network” works.

Atticus Ross: Hey, my name’s listed on there, too! I’m an Oscar nominee, too!!

Chris: Oh, right – my bad, Atticus. Anyway, Reznor’s powerfully unsettling score is absolutely essential. From the opening scenes, it gets under your skin. It’s one of the most unique compositions we’ve gotten in a movie in years. Despite a completely different style, it reminded me of the effect Jonny Greenwood’s score had on “There Will Be Blood” – in that they both reflect (and anticipate) the characters’ states of mind. Notice how both films almost feel like horror movies in certain scenes and moments.

I love Zimmer’s work on “Inception” as well. The slowed-down re-orchestration of “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien” was clever and effective, but other passages were equally effective – the pulsating effects that accompanied the action and set-up sequences; the quiet, high-pitched hum during the film’s more contemplative moments. But Zimmer still can’t top Reznor in “The Social Network.”

Speaking of non-classical movie composers, Daft Punk were overlooked for their fascinating work on “TRON: Legacy.” I know, I know, A.R. Rahman is in the “club” now, since he won an Oscar and all, so there’s probably a little gold statue icon next to his name on the nomination ballot or something. But seriously, those of you who’ve seen “127 Hours” – do you remember one second of the music from that movie?

Jeremy says: I remember one second! Wait, nevermind, I was thinking of Colin Firth’s penis sticking out of his outfit in “The King’s Speech,” but that’s a whole other category. It certainly created music in my mind.

So yeah. This baby still seems likely to go to Trent Reznor.

Atticus Ross: And Atticus Ross!

Jeremy: You hear something Chris?

Chris: Hrmmm? No. I didn’t hear anything.

Jeremy: Alright then, as I was saying, Reznor’s score is both distinct and appropriate, making it the most likely winner. And the Academy sometimes picks actual music in this category, rather than voting for the film they liked best. And “The Social Network” has to win a few awards, right?

I quite liked John Powell and Atticus Ross’s barrage of Scottish instrumentation and soaring orchestration in “How to Train Your Dragon,” which is surely going to pull a mega-upset, right? No? Oh. OK.

Atticus Ross: What are you talking about? I didn’t co-score…

Oscar Orchestra says: Bom bom BOM BOM BOM BOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!

Best Original Song

“127 Hours” – A.R. Rahman, Dido (“If I Rise”)
“Country Strong” – Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey, Troy Verges (“Coming Home”)
“Tangled” – Alan Menken, Glenn Slater (“I See the Light”)
“Toy Story 3" – Randy Newman (“We Belong Together”)

Now to present Best Original Song, please welcome Working Title Productions' Music Supervisor!

Working Title Productions’ Music Supervisor: If I were supervising these musicians, I would have had some great title suggestions, including “There’s a Rock Crushing My Arm,” “I’m Making a Musical Comeback,” “My Hair is Really Long and Magical” and “Toys Come to Life When the Kids Aren’t Around.”

Jeremy says: After his double win for “Slumdog Millionaire,” I think it’s safe to assume that A.R. Rahman will probably sit this one out, unless people like “If I Rise” a lot more than I realize.

So that leaves us with two musicals — one animated and one a backstage drama — and one movie everyone loves with a Randy Newman song.

As for the backstage drama about the washed-up country star, well, we’ve been there and done that, haven’t we?

The question, then, is whether the Academy will award “Tangled” a consolation Oscar or pump up “Toy Story 3's” tally. Either seems plausible.

History tells us that betting on Newman only yields a 5 percent success rate, but this would be a great opportunity for him to win by default.

Alan Menken and Glenn Slater may suffer due to the horrible first impression provided by the opening song in “Tangled,” but they may also benefit because “I Saw the Light” is sung during the film’s most beautiful sequence. Who knows?

I’m going to have to go for Newman, if for no other reason than because people love the guy, love the film and there are no knockout candidates to overshadow him.

Chris says: Personally I’d like to congratulate A.R. Rahman for “composing” a song that managed to sound exactly like every other Dido song. Well done, sir. Jeremy’s right about the scene in which “I Saw the Light” appears – but if a “Tangled” song was going to get nominated, it should have been “Mother Knows Best.” I guess I should just feel lucky that godawful opening number wasn’t the pick.

Since neither of us saw “Country Strong” (who did?), I can’t speak to that song’s effectiveness within the context of the movie. Out of context, it sounds perfectly adequate and perfectly forgettable. Though I’m sure Gwyneth Paltrow looked lovely while singing it. Much lovelier than Randy Newman, for instance.

But Newman wrote the best song of the bunch, and he’s Randy Newman, and “The King’s Speech” wasn’t nominated in this category – the Working Title Films Music Supervisor’s rockin’ number “I Can’t Give This Bloody Speech Because I Keep on Stuttering” just missed the cut, unfortunately – so Newman would have to be the pick.

One last thing – as if to add insult to injury, I just found out that the title song in “NEVER LET ME THE FUCK GO” was an original song, created by songwriter Luther Dixon, composer Rachel Portman and singer Jane Monheit (or “Judy Bridgewater”). It’s such an authentic-sounding song that I (and I assume most other people) made the assumption it was an obscure piece of period music. But no – apparently it was written specifically for the movie, and it eats the rest of these nominees for lunch.

Best Sound Mixing

“Inception” – Lora Hirschberg, Gary Rizzo, Ed Novick
“The King’s Speech” – Paul Hamblin, Martin Jensen, John Midgley
“Salt” – Jeffrey J. Haboush, William Sarokin, Scott Millan, Greg P. Russell
“The Social Network” – Ren Klyce, David Parker, Michael Semanick, Mark Weingarten
“True Grit” – Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff, Peter F. Kurland

Best Sound Editing

“Inception” – Richard King
“Toy Story 3" – Tom Myers, Michael Silvers
“TRON: Legacy” – Gwendolyn Yates Whittle, Addison Teague
“True Grit” – Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey
“Unstoppable” – Mark P. Stoeckinger

Introducing the Sound categories, please welcome Michael Bay.

Michael Bay: The sound in “True Grit” is totally gay. Where’s the excitement? I can’t get excited if the pounding isn’t really loud: The spurs should jangle around in the fucking ear!

Chris says: The two films that got nominated in both categories – “True Grit” and “Inception” – are indeed the two strongest, and if I had my way they’d split the vote. Let’s say the former for mixing and the latter for editing. I’m still pissed that Lievsay and Co. didn’t win for their spectacular sound design on “No Country for Old Men,” but I suppose life goes on.

That’s right, I said it – life really does go on when the movie you wanted to win for sound mixing and sound editing loses to another movie. It’s tough, but you can make it.

Jeremy says: Some don’t survive. It’s like those poor Nigerians who kill themselves when some soccer team in England loses.

Chris says: Anyway, for the wrong reasons, I could see the Academy honoring “Inception” in both sound categories – and there is some great sound work, so it’s a deserving winner. But it seems they usually just honor the movies that have the most sound rather than the best. “True Grit” deserves some recognition, too, dammit!

Jeremy says: Yeah, I’m happy to see “True Grit” nominated for its rich soundscapes that really make the setting immersive, but sadly I know that it won’t win anything.

“TRON: Legacy” probably won’t either, despite its fascinating collage of sounds that recall video games, voice-capture technology (see The Same Dame Podcast with Robert Zemeckis) and more other-electronic-worldly tones. The action scenes really have a much more interesting sound than usual.

But unless the Academy actually pays attention to “TRON,” I’m guessing “Inception” will take both categories. Its mix evokes some nice dreamlike qualities. If only they’d turned down the dialogue.

Best Foreign-Language Film

“Biutiful” – Alejandro Gonzalez Iñarritu (Mexico)
“Dogtooth” – Giorgos Lanthimos (Greece)
“In a Better World” – Susanne Bier (Denmark)
“Incendies” – Denis Villenueve (Canada)
“Outside the Law” – Rachid Bouchareb (Algeria)

Ladies and gentlemen, the Oscar-winning auteur behind “Wolverine” and “Tsotsi,” director Gavin Hood.

Gavin Hood: As I reminded people when I made my Oscar speech, we may be Foreign-Language Films, but we’re people, and we have stories, just like you. I can see that each of the nominees is indeed a person, and I have a hunch that each of you have told a story. But I gotta say, those Greeks — they’re some weird people with weird fucking stories.

Jeremy says: I smile every time I see “Dogtooth” up there with the nominees. I wish I could have been there when the crowd that attends the Academy Foreign Film screenings watched it in horror. The film itself is a pitch-black deadpan comedy about a most disturbing life of seclusion. It doesn’t give the sunny glow to which the Academy is accustomed, but instead offers a sturdy kick in the balls. Will any film receive fewer votes in this year’s awards?

As for the other nominees, “In a Better World” and “Incendies” both provide the kind of sturdy, emotional drama that Oscar loves. Some have accused Susanne Bier’s “In a Better World” of condescending preaching, but the film doesn’t really preach — it presents different scenarios in which violence is used and allows the characters and audience to grapple with them. It doesn’t suggest easy answers, but depicts a world of conflict, confusion and heartbreak. And it does so with a collection of great performances.

But wait. “Incendies” also features a few really powerful performances, and presents a ballsy Greek tragedy of an ending that inspires both admiration and incredulity. Seeing as Oscar voters never get incredulous, they really only had the film’s emotional wave to contend with. There’s also a rather brilliant set piece on a bus — one that puts the short “Na Wewe” to shame.

Ultimately, I think “Incendies” will fall to the overwhelming emotions of “In a Better World,” but having two films sure to catch voters’ hearts makes things tricky — and interesting.

Chris says: Because I missed Sundance this year, I only managed to see two of these nominees – “Biutiful” and “Dogtooth.” Of the two, “Dogtooth” is the best, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the best of the bunch overall. But it’s not nearly melodramatic enough for this category’s tastes. From what I’ve heard, I would imagine “Incendies” would take it, but what do I know?

In fact, since I only saw 40 percent of the nominees, this is a total crapshoot for me. So I’ll go way out on a limb and stupidly predict that “Dogtooth” will pull the shocking upset. What do I have to lose? I picked “The White Ribbon” just to spite Jeremy last year, and did so for the purpose of a rather specific wager involving a potato and an orifice. Well, along those same lines, Jeremy and I are making another bet. He doesn’t know it yet, but he will soon. If “Dogtooth” wins, he can lick my motherfucking keyboard. (See? Now everyone will have to go watch “Dogtooth” – now playing on Netflix Instant – to understand that reference. Kino International should be paying me for this shit.)

Best Animated Film

“How to Train Your Dragon” – Dean DeBlois, Chris Sanders
“The Illusionist” – Sylvain Chomet
“Toy Story 3" – Lee Unkrich

Robert Zemeckis: It’s an outrage that neither voice capture nor motion capture was used in any of these films. Who allowed this shit to be nominated? “The Illusionist” wasn’t even made in 3-D! Can’t we just wait to hand out this sucker until my motion-capture remake of “Nights of Cabiria” comes out?

Chris says: Alright, “How to Train Your Dragon,” that’s enough. You’ve had your joy, you’ve had your fun, you’ve had your season in the sun. The Annie Awards are adorable and all. You now officially go down in history alongside, say, “Kung Fu Panda.” Put it back in your pants, DreamWorks. It’s time for the big boys to have their time.

And by “big boys,” I mean Sylvain Chomet, Jacques Tati and the cast and crew behind one of the year’s best films, “The Illusionist,” pulling off the Upset o’ the Century by toppling the juggernaut that is “Toy Story 3.” This is happening, folks. This. Is. Happening.

…

OK, it’s not actually happening. It just should be happening. As much as I like “Toy Story 3,” it’s hard to match the grace, humor and visual splendor of Chomet’s film. And you big tough guys out there in mass audience land who bragged about fighting back tears when some toys almost got incinerated? Just wait till you see what happens with three little words on a handwritten note left on a kitchen table. Then we’ll see how manly you are. Don’t take my word for it, just watch the fuckin’ movie for yourself. You’ll see. Someday, you’ll ALL see!

Jeremy says: Oh my god. The ending of “The Illusionist” is the essence of cinematic perfection. It heartbreakingly moves from one perfectly composed, perfectly timed shot to the next. If the film hadn’t already been brilliant, that ending still would have given it a place in film history. Holy shit.

Chomet at once captures the mannerisms and character that Tati created in his classic films while creating a film that is distinctively its own style. He also threw in a few Buster Keaton references, just to keep Papa happy. (I’m Papa.)

“How to Train Your Dragon” is quite fun, if a bit flawed in some of its character designs, and the eventual winner “Toy Story 3" is great entertainment — touching, funny, clever (especially a certain bit involving Mr. Potato Head), the best of its trilogy. But “The Illusionist” is majestic, and the correct pick for any voter who wants to be on the right side of history.

Best Documentary Feature

“Exit Through the Gift Shop” – Banksy, Jaimie D’Cruz
“GasLand” – Josh Fox, Trish Adlesic
“Inside Job” – Charles Ferguson, Audrey Marrs
“Restrepo” – Tim Hetherington, Sebastian Junger
“Waste Land” – Lucy Walker, Angus Aynsley

Presenting Best Documentary, please welcome super-human box-office man and murderer of cinema James Cameron.

James Cameron: I’ve made some documentaries that were quantifiably better than any of these nominees. Know why? A 50 percent increase in dimensions. I woulda named these movies “True Lies About Street Art,” “The Deadly Piranhas of Natural Gas,” “Terminators of the Economy,” “Dark Angels of War” and “A Titanic Heap of Garbage.”

Know what’s nice about modern technology? We can now remove all the grain from “Hoop Dreams,” maybe finally make the thing worth watching.

Jeremy says: This category seems to have narrowed to a two-horse race between the dry, immaculately researched but cinematically dull investigative report that is “Inside Job” and the vibrant, lively “Exit Through the Gift Shop,” which actively invites the audience to question its own veracity.

Which will win? The majority of prognosticators will tell you “Inside Job” will take it, but my epidemiologist sources have told me about a serious case of Banksy Fever breaking out throughout Los Angeles. That’s right, folks, Banksy to win it, some weird shit to go down during the acceptance speech. An Oscar moment to remember.

What’s curious is that “GasLand” is a much better made investigative film than “Inside Job.” Its deadpan satire emphasizes the absurdity of the damages caused by natural gas extraction. And it made me glad I didn’t get a CNG car after all. Fuck that natural gas shit, man.

Also curious is that “Restrepo,” a poignant portrait of war and the emotional toll it has on soldiers, seems to be all but forgotten. Will voters remind everyone it exists on Sunday? Only time will tell.

Chris says: You think the Academy is going to allow us to have an Oscar moment to remember? Something they can’t control? Your naivete is charming, my dear boy, charming!

Jeremy: I’m not a boy. I’m a grown man. We wrestled!

Chris: I still can’t imagine anything but “Inside Job” winning this one – which is unfortunate, since it may be the weakest of the nominees. I missed “Waste Land,” but the other three are certainly all stronger than the probable eventual winner. The thing about “Inside Job” is that director Charles Ferguson is clearly a great researcher, and works his ass off to get as much information and cover as much ground as possible. But he doesn’t have the slightest idea how to turn that into interesting cinema. There’s nothing remotely cinematic about “Inside Job” – it’s straightforward talking-head interviews, narration and infographics, put together in organized, linear, boring fashion. “Inside Job” is not so much a movie as it is a long essay. An interesting one, sure, but if you’re going to show me a documentary, goddammit, it better be a fucking movie. Have an aesthetic, won’t you please?

I’d prefer to see “Restrepo” or "Exit Through the Gift Shop” win – the former because it’s one of the most intimate portraits of life during combat that I’ve seen; the latter for the obvious reasons of what might happen if fucking Banksy wins a fucking Oscar. (And for the mere fact that it’s not really a documentary – just a wonderfully tongue-in-cheek satire.) That said, the fascinating and unfairly criticized “Catfish” - which constantly reinvented itself and challenged its viewers’ expectations - was probably the year’s best doc and should have been at least nominated. But then again, since when has the Academy ever nominated the year’s best documentary for Best Documentary? Don’t be silly, Bellamy.

One final note: I’ve narrowed Banksy’s identity down to a few choices. Nicolas Cage. Jason Statham. Barack Obama. Matthew Piper. The “late” J.D. Salinger. (Is it just a coincidence that he “died” right when “Exit Through the Gift Shop” was premiering at Sundance?) And, finally, Osama bin Laden. Any other guesses?

Best Visual Effects

“Alice in Wonderland” – Ken Ralston, David Schaub, Carey Villegas, Sean Phillips
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I” – Tim Burke, John Richardson, Christian Manz, Nicolas Aithadi
“Hereafter” – Michael Owens, Bryan Grill, Stephan Trojansky, Joe Farrell
“Inception” – Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley, Pete Bebb, Paul J. Franklin
“Iron Man 2" – Janek Sirrs, Ben Snow, Ged Wright, Daniel Sudick

To present the award for Best Visual Effects, please welcome Digital Young Jeff Bridges from “TRON: Legacy.”

Digital Young Jeff Bridges: See how my head kinda wobbles strangely as I smile at you with a fixed expression? That makes it more lifelike! Digital is totally better than the real thing! And don’t worry, I may look like a hollow, vacuous, dead-eyed zombie, but I’m not going to start inexplicably singing a song about hot chocolate or anything like that. I promise.

Chris says: As our good friend (and short-film category presenter) Joe Beatty and I were discussing the other day, it’s telling how often non-“special effect” movies pull off their special effects better than the actual “special effect” movies. Plenty of fantasy/sci-fi/action spectacles have had great and groundbreaking effects, but even more have suffered from shoddy craftsmanship (or, in some cases, not enough time in post) or have leaned on their effects as too much of a crutch. Of course movies like “Harry Potter” and “Alice in Wonderland” get nominated – look at all those CGI things! Wheeeee!

Which of course means this category overlooks the brilliant special effect in “The Social Network” that no one knew was a special effect until they went home and read about it on the Internet. Or how about “Black Swan”? Those scenes of transformation weren’t enough for you, Academy? You don’t think Natalie Portman actually did that to her legs, do you?

Jeremy says: You’d be amazed what Natalie Portman can do with her legs.

Chris: Still, I shouldn’t be complaining, since I would imagine “Inception” has this category locked up, and deservedly so. Nolan has always shied away from using CGI unless absolutely necessary – which has given his films a noticeably more authentic feel than those of many other big-budget filmmakers. When he does utilize CG, he has a perfectionist’s eye and pulls them off seamlessly. That was certainly the case in “Inception” — and hey, those effects helped craft a couple of scenes that have already become somewhat iconic.

Jeremy says: You mention the CG in “Harry Potter,” but one of the things that impressed me about “Deathly Hallows, the Part that Randomly Ends in the Middle” was how restrained director David Yates often was in terms of CG. Sure, he uses the effects when he has to, and often quite well, but he’d just as soon show the air moving snow on the street than the effect of Harry and Hermione arriving through whatever the location warping thing is called.

In fact, young Mr. Potter has my vote, but I agree that “Inception” will win for its eye-popping and varied special effects, which are all pulled off quite well so that we can watch a bunch of video game dream drones get meaninglessly killed off without distraction.

Chris: Ah, here’s where your anti-“Inception” bias kicks in. For such a CG stickler as yourself, you can’t possibly think the effects in “Deathly Hallows” are better than those in “Inception.” It is not possible. You're right about what you said regarding Yates’ restraint, but that still can’t defend a couple of the obvious and flat-out poor CG creations in this movie. Not as poor as, say, that forest scene from Yates' “Order of the Phoenix,” but shoddy nonetheless. Say what you will about “Inception” as a film, but the effects are about as seamless as effects get. “Deathly Hallows” absolutely can’t say the same.

Jeremy: My admiration for "Deathly Hallows" actually lies in the non-CG effects, but like I said, "Inception" is a worthy winner. That Dobby is adorable, though!

Best Documentary Short

“Killing in the Name” – Jed Rothstein
“Poster Girl” – Sara Nesson, Mitchell Block
“Strangers No More” – Karen Goodman, Kirk Simon
“Sun Come Up” – Jennifer Redfearn, Tim Metzger
“The Warriors of Qiugang” – Ruby Yang, Thomas Lennon

Best Animated Short

“Day & Night” – Teddy Newton
“The Gruffalo” – Jakob Schuh, Max Lang
“Let’s Pollute” – Geefwee Boedoe
“The Lost Thing” – Shaun Tan, Andrew Ruhemann
“Madagascar, a Journey Diary” – Bastien Dubois

Best Live-Action Short

“The Confession” – Tanel Toom
“The Crush” – Michael Creagh
“God of Love” – Luke Matheny
“Na Wewe” – Ivan Goldschmidt
“Wish 143" – Ian Barnes, Samantha Waite

And now to introduce the short-film nominees, please welcome once and future Same Dame Podcast guest, aspiring lawyer and all-around entertainer, Joe Beatty!

Joe Beatty says: Hello. My name is Joe. It’s short-film nominee time!

(Which means you should probably go to the bathroom during this category, since you don’t give a shit!)

(Though you WILL be giving a shit about the category this year, amirite, amirite?)

(Get it? Bathroom? Shit?)

Hey, let’s start things off with a joke!

Question: Why were the lactose-intolerant plane crash survivors so scared?

Give up? Answer: Because the Udders were coming!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway, let’s get to these predictions, yeah? Mazel tov to all the winners. L’chaim!

Jeremy says: After last year’s debacle in Best Live-Action Short, I don’t know what to predict. Seriously, “The New Tenants” was possibly the worst film nominated in any category last year. Worse than “The Blind Side.” And it wasn’t even Oscar bait. If the award went to a piece of shit about a disabled boy whose parents were raped by Nazis while wearing Elizabethan clothing, I wouldn’t have been surprised. But “The New Tenants” was a wannabe hipster movie. Ninety-nine percent of the time, Oscar would ignore a film that succeeded in the realm in which “The New Tenants” failed so completely. So when it won last year, it shook me to my core.

What? This year’s nominees? I’m getting to it. But also: Who woulda thought that “Logorama” would win Best Animated Short? Don’t old stiffs usually go to these screenings? Did they all decide they wanted to be edgy for a year?

What I’m getting at is that I have zero confidence in any prediction in this category. Zero. A big egg. Again, some more words that mean zero.

Of all the live-action short nominees, only one of them doesn’t completely cop out before the characters resolve their issues, face reality or make decisions. That film also happens to be the most light-hearted and funny of the bunch, “God of Love.” I would hope that the well-made but ridiculous “The Confession” would have lost any potential vote after its final ludicrous plot development. “The Crush” doesn’t know whether it’s a comedy or drama, and features a remarkably silliy explanation for double-crossing the audience. “Wish 143,” about a cancerous teenager whose charitable wish is to get laid, is directed with the skill of a blind nine-year-old, but it’s got a sweet message, so it’ll probably win.

I can’t comment on “Na Wewe” because I still don’t know if it was taking the piss or not.

The animated shorts were of a higher average quality. Pixar’s “Day & Night” is a charming, visually clever tale that works as both a portrait of friendship and as a stylistic exercise. “Madagascar, a Journey Diary” is the most stylistically ambitious film, playing with many different forms, but it doesn’t pull all of them off and is sometimes a bit aesthetically clunky.

“Let’s Pollute” is kind of clever with its retro ‘50s educational style, but gets old after a while and is a bit too pleased with itself.

But I’ve got to favor “The Lost Thing,” with its brilliant production design, surreal story and just enough heft to give it some clout. Keep in mind, however, that no one else thinks this one will win.

More likely, some say, is the cute but not astounding “The Gruffalo,” which tells an amusing, repetitive story with celebrity voices and indistinct animation. If the Academy wants cute, they should go “Day & Night.”

In the documentary category, all the filmmakers press the definition of “short.” Each film presses dangerously close to 40 minutes, so don’t expect to get through all those films fast. Like last year, we’ve got a film about Chinese villagers fighting their corrupt government. This time it’s about factories polluting the water. “Sun Comes Up” is about a small island village that has to relocate due to rising sea levels brought about by global warming. “Killing in the Name” is about Muslims arguing about terrorists who kill other Muslims. (If you’re not Muslim, you’re pretty much fucked.)

All three of those films are interesting, but none really connect with their subjects on a deep emotional level. The two strongest films are “Poster Girl,” about a woman suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after serving as a soldier in Iraq, and “Strangers No More,” about a school in Israel that takes in students from around the world.

Those are your two possible winners, so you’ve got a 50-50 chance. I’d give the slight edge to “Poster Girl,” because it focuses on one person and really gets in touch with her character, issues and hangups. But don’t count out “Strangers No More,” which features adorable kids multiculturally bonding with one another. It might not matter that “Poster Girl” has a tighter structure when the other film brings cute kids into the equation.

Chris says: Yeah, the live-action shorts program was one of the worst I’d seen until “God of Love” mercifully came along and salvaged it. Of course, they like to honor Important Movies in this category, so a self-conscious, playful, mildly absurdist comedy like this one – as strong as it is – may get the proverbial shaft. Which is unfortunate, since it’s made by someone who’s clearly got some filmmaking chops and his own brand of humor. (And he gets extra props for throwing in some clever Woody Allen references just to keep Papa happy.) (I’m Papa.)

“The Confession” is kinda well-made, I guess, but so extraordinarily misguided from the start that I found myself laughing at it even before the ludicrous and indefensible final plot development Jeremy mentioned. Really, it’s a fucking thing to behold, that plot development. High comedy. Jeremy hit the nail on the head with “Wish 143" and “The Crush,” both of which are so tone deaf that at times I could barely guess what it was the filmmakers were trying to accomplish. “Na Wewe” is even more vexing, in that all I could think about during its central segment was a Monty Python routine from “The Meaning of Life” – the “marching up and down the square” one. Was I alone on this, or did “Na Wewe” and that sketch pretty much have the same exact premise but with different circumstances? It also has the most inexplicable “appearance” of a famous musical act since digital Steven Tyler and Aerosmith scared the shit out of all your children at the end of “The Polar Express.” Let it be said here, folks (mild spoiler alert, in case you haven’t yet seen the shorts program): According to “Na Wewe,” U2 can bring together Hutus and Tutsis, and probably save the world. Next up: Israel and Palestine. Make it happen, Bono.

As for the animated films, I don’t know what the fuck was up with “The Gruffalo” – why it insisted on being so fucking monotonous, why it was so languidly paced (27 minutes to see basically the same scene over and over again?) and why it felt the need to rhyme its way through the story, when the rhymes weren’t all that clever. And why was the frame story with the rabbits – at least I think that’s what they were; they were either rabbits or those weird puppets from those old Quizno’s commercials – even in the movie in the first place? What purpose did that serve at all?

Jeremy: I thought they were squirrels. You know, nuts and stuff.

Chris: I didn’t find “Madagascar, a Journey Diary” nearly as uneven as Jeremy did. In fact, it’s easily my favorite of the bunch – a brilliant display of visual styles and techniques that adds up to a rather remarkable and dynamic portrait of a specific place. One thing that struck me was the how three-dimensional so many of the images felt. Which, of course, comes simply from great composition – spatial orientation, perspective, shadow, what have you. Unlike, ahem, the effect that comes from that chintzy 3D bullshit.

“Day & Night” was a typically strong Pixar effort and I guess I’ll go ahead and predict that one, if only because it’s Pixar. Or they could give it to the mildly (at best) clever and extremely subtle “Let’s Pollute” because of its timeliness.

Best Cinematography

“Black Swan” – Matthew Libatique
“Inception” – Wally Pfister
“The King’s Speech” – Danny Cohen
“The Social Network” – Jeff Cronenweth
“True Grit” – Roger Deakins

Introducing the Best Cinematography award via Twitter, please welcome Kevin Smith!

@ThatKevinSmith: OK, I gotta wonder why there’s even a category for Cinematography. I mean, YOU don’t care about that. YOU just wanna see a movie, right?

@ThatKevinSmith: What, because these guys actually TRIED to make a visually interesting, engaging movie, WE’re supposed to suck their dicks or something?????

@ThatKevinSmith: Shouldn’t COP OUT have been nominated? We weren’t trying to make SCHINDLER’S FUCKING LIST, so we shouldn’t be held to the same standards...>

@ThatKevinSmith: In fact, we were trying the least hard to make a film for YOU to enjoy, so the OSCARS ought to be given to US, THE PEOPLE WHO LOVED COP OUT!

@ThatKevinSmith: If YOU didn’t like it then YOU are NOT ONE of US!!! And YOU can suck my dick because I wasn’t making it for YOU and YOU hurt my feelings!!!!

Chris says: I’ve got a quick question. What do you get when you add up the visuals of “True Grit,” “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford,” “The Shawshank Redemption,” “No Country for Old Men,” “A Serious Man,” “The Man Who Wasn’t There,” “Kundun,” “Fargo,” “Passion Fish,” “Barton Fink,” “Nineteen Eighty-Four,” “Dead Man Walking,” “The Big Lebowski,” “O Brother, Where Art Thou?,” “The Hurricane,” “Jarhead,” “Revolutionary Road,” “A Beautiful Mind” and “Homicide”?

Zero Oscars, that’s what.

So arguably the best cinematographer in the world still doesn’t have an Oscar to his name. You know who does have an Oscar?

Three 6 Mafia, that’s who.

It would make sense that, in a year with no clear favorite for cinematography, they would finally give Roger Deakins his due. But with such a wide-open category, it’s hard to tell where the Academy’s hearts and minds will go. “True Grit” is classic Deakins – look at the shadow and light in that opening shot, for fuck’s sake!! – and a win here couldn’t be considered a mere sympathy vote or anything like that. There’s real majesty to the way he paints the film’s Western landscapes.

But Wally Pfister recently took home the ASC’s top prize, and his work on “Inception” is strong as always. “The King’s Speech” is the Best Picture frontrunner, so it might get some votes for that reason alone. And the fact that I keep hearing people say how “beautifully shot” it was. And I ain’t sayin’ it’s ugly or anything – I’m saying it’s no “True Grit.”

And it’s no “Black Swan,” either – which is my personal fave of this category (and plenty of other categories for which it was – or even wasn’t – nominated). The deep grain of the 16mm film, the low lighting, the intense and powerful use of close-ups throughout … it’s just a joy to watch Matthew Libatique operate and enhance all the massive swings of mood, style and temperature as deftly as he does. It’s fantastic work.

Call me crazy, but I can’t shake the unfortunate feeling that “The King’s Speech” is going to sneak in and swipe this category.

Fuckin’ British period pieces. All nice and classy-looking.

You want to honor a nice British movie, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences? How about “NEVER LET ME FUCKING GO.” For shit’s sake, people.

Jeremy says: Seriously.

Chris: And how about, since it got no other consideration at all, “Shutter Island”? It’s a master class in visual style. The use of unnatural light, the deep, bold reds in the dream sequences, the floating ash, the “Spellbound” shot at the end, the visual shifts between, and combination of, gothic horror, film noir, giallo, German expressionism and European surrealism? What’s not to love about it?

Jeremy: How much of “Shutter Island” was shot in a gay porn studio, Chris? How much?!?

I, too, favor Matthew Libatique, but I’m not sure that I agree with you 100 percent on your prediction work, Chris. While I also fear an onslaught of wins for “The King’s Speech,” I think they’ve got to give it to “True Grit.” The film has earned a lot of nominations, and while it will be overlooked in almost all of them, it’s hard to ignore Deakins’ visuals. This will finally be his year.

@ThatKevinSmith: Fuck that shit. REAL movie fans don’t GIVE a flying fuck what a movie LOOKS like. What, am I supposed to lick Roger Deakins’ asshole because he’s an “artist”? BLOW me.

@ThatKevinSmith: REAL artistry is in the eyes of the fuckin FANS, man. It’s not like they’re predisposed to like whatever shit I give ‘em. They just know what MOVIES are all ABOUT.

Best Editing

“127 Hours” – Jon Harris
“Black Swan” – Andrew Weisblum
“The Fighter” – Pamela Martin
“The King’s Speech” – Tariq Anwar
“The Social Network” – Kirk Baxter, Angus Wall

Ladies and gentleman, introducing the Best Editing Award is a man who received his first and only Oscar nomination in 2009. Please welcome Werner Herzog!

Werner Herzog: Editing is an interesting craft. Once you’ve stolen the camera and the film and the chemicals to develop the film, you have to steal a Moviola editing machine, which can be difficult to track down. And it's very large and difficult to move. You then need to pick the right person to kidnap and force by gun to splice together your various shots. It is a painstaking process and not at all pleasant.

Jeremy says: Jon Harris deserves a lot of credit for cutting down “127 Hours” to 94 minutes, but really, most of that was just a guy moaning about his arm being stuck under a rock. GET IT?!? I made a joke!

I was going to talk about how a lot of people really love the cross-cutting in “Inception” and why it didn’t work for me, but then I saw that it wasn’t even nominated, so I guess I don’t have to worry about it.

Here’s something to think about: “Black Swan” is in the top five in this category and Best Director, suggesting that it’s also in the top five of 10 Best Picture nominees. Interesting. Could that mean that Andrew Weisblum will win it for the year’s most virtuoso display of editing? Probably not, but it could happen. Weisblum creates a hypnotic rhythm as he and director Darren Aronofsky journey though an artist’s psychosis. The stress, the tension and the glory are all bottled up into one sly, seamless experience.

Sure, Academy voters are more likely to go for the cross-cutting between two trials and the main story in “The Social Network,” or, failing that, “The King’s Speech” because, um, it’s “The King’s Speech.” But am I not a man? Do I not have the guts to predict the completely wrong winner in this meaningless article? No, I do not not! Fuck y’all, I’m saying “Black Swan.”

Chris says: Rofl.

No, no, I’m not rofl-ing at the suggestion that “Black Swan” should win, which is obvious. But a win in the category that more often than not predicts the Best Picture winner? We should be so lucky.

I was among those baffled at the exclusion of “Inception” in this category. It’s a phenomenally well-edited film, and it’s the editing that makes the film work as much as anything else given the importance of the story’s structure and timing. But nevermind – we’re here to talk about the actual nominees, are we not?

I suppose there could be an editing/picture split with “The Social Network” taking the former and “The King’s Speech” the latter, but I’m going to keep with my gut feeling about “The King’s Speech” taking pretty much everything it can. I make that prediction begrudgingly, of course. Call me a pessimist if you like.

Best Adapted Screenplay

“127 Hours” – Danny Boyle, Simon Beaufoy
“The Social Network” – Aaron Sorkin
“Toy Story 3" – Michael Arndt, John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton, Lee Unkrich
“True Grit” – Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
“Winter’s Bone” – Debra Granik, Anne Rosellini

Introducing the award for Best Adapted Screenplay, please welcome the woman who’s never met a script she didn’t like, Kate Hudson!

Kate Hudson: Remember when I was supposed to win that Oscar and Marcia Gay Harden won it instead? Well, all you screenplay nominees shouldn’t get down if you lose, because this Oscar will really charge up your career and you’ll continue to go on to bigger, better things! If there’s one thing I know, it’s how to pick a script. There are only a few of us who really know how to do it. Me, and Jennifer Aniston, and Ryan Reynolds...yep, that’s about it.

But before I hand out the winner for this year’s screenplays, I’d like to sing you a song, from my 2009 film “Nine,” “Cinema Italiano” – hit it, boys!

I love the black and white
I love the play of light
The way Contini puts his image through a pri—

(Klaus Kinski shoots Kate Hudson.)

Chris says: You can’t really argue with a win for “The Social Network” here. The movie is the best I’ve heard Aaron Sorkin dialogue sound in a long time – and hell, it’s not as if the true story he was adapting would automatically make for an interesting script. It’s about college nerds doing a lot of coding. If you pitched that premise to the folks at TNT, they’d reject it flat-out. And they know Drama, you know. They know Drama.

I would have liked to see Alex Garland’s script for “NEVER GODDAMN LET ME FUCKING GO” get recognized, but what did I expect? Some actual recognition for one of the best films of the year? Hahaha, silly me!

Jeremy says: Yeah, this would have been a great opportunity to give “Never Let Me Go” a small portion of its due, but what do you expect? Sorkin’s script is good, and it’s going to win, but I wouldn’t mind seeing “Winter’s Bone” take home a statuette for its vivid descent into the darkness of Appalachian meth culture. You don’t wanna fuck with those people.

Best Original Screenplay

“Another Year” – Mike Leigh
“The Fighter” – Scott Silver, Paul Tamasy, Eric Johnson, Keith Dorrington
“Inception” – Christopher Nolan
“The Kids Are All Right” – Lisa Cholodenko, Stuart Blumberg
“The King’s Speech” – David Seidler

Paul Haggis: You know what all these films could have used? A bit less ambiguity. I mean, what happened with the stupid top? Did it turn out to be a good thing that Edward abdicated the throne? Did that old lady REALLY wanna fuck her friend’s son or what? Was she bisexual, a lesbian, straight or really a dude? Was boxing really the right profession, or would he have become a successful construction foreman? These things are important, people.

Jeremy says: Well, this puts me in a difficult position. “Another Year” clearly has the best screenplay of the bunch, but Mike Leigh’s way of working isn’t that of your typical screenwriter, as he works with his actors to create natural performances and characters. The film is the most honest about and true to its characters, and reveals them by allowing them to live instead of slamming them into a rigid plot. But seeing as Lesley Manville couldn’t even get a fucking Best Supporting Actress nomination, I suppose there’s no chance of Oscar recognizing Leigh.

There’s been some talk of Christopher Nolan’s rulebook, “Inception,” winning. It did win the Writers Guild of America Award, after all. Here is a sample of its award-winning dialogue: “What, another plot development just occurred? Well shit, we better explain some new rules about it that are different from the previous rules. We would have explained them earlier, but we’ve got a lot of rules to get through, folks. A lot of rules. We’re just gonna have to make them up as we go. Paradox!”

I’d honestly be less surprised to see “The Kids Are All Right” pull the upset, but there ain’t gonna be an upset.

Granted, this is a category in which more ambitious films often receive a consolation Oscar, but there’s a pervasive feeling that “The King’s Speech” is running away with this thing. And it’s by a Brit, and British people are witty. There’s even a sweet story about how David Seidler wanted to tell the story for a long time, but was waiting for Helena Bonham Carter to die before doing so. Oscar voters eat that shit up, you know.

Chris says: I was expecting more of an “Inception” screenplay rant from Jeremy, but I guess that’s all we’re going to get. In that case, I suppose I’ll keep my retort as brief as I can. Jeremy does himself no favors being as dismissive of “Inception” as he is. While even I had certain issues with the writing – I, too, laughed at the “Paradox!” line – the fact remains that the exposition in the screenplay is hardly different from that of countless other films that, by their very nature, required that exposition. Heist films, in particular, but loads of other crime set-up films as well. Or Bond movies. Or mind-bending sci-fi flicks. Ya know, all the subgenres in whose footsteps “Inception” is consciously following. Or just look back at all the great “LOST” episodes built almost entirely on characters explaining things to each other to set up the action and plot twists – like “Inception,” that bordered on gratuitous at times, but it was also essential to the way the show and characters worked. Ditto “Inception.” And in any case, a screenplay isn’t simply its dialogue, Jeremy. All the film’s ideas originate in the script – and this is one of the most unique, inventive and complex films to come along in some time. It is for those reasons in particular that I believe “Inception” should win this one – of the nominees, at least. That’s not counting the inexplicably shunned “Black Swan,” not to mention Jessica Hausner for “Lourdes,” Giorgos Lanthimos and Efthymis Filippou for “Dogtooth” or Noah Baumbach for “Greenerg.” Just to name a few.

But the momentum of “The King’s Speech” is just too much for any more deserving film to overcome. And there is some genuine wit in the film – I’m certainly more impressed with its writing than its direction. Jeremy’s probably right that a dark-dark-darkhorse would be “The Kids Are All Right,” because Oscar voters (and too many critics) seem to have failed to notice how much of the screenplay is Dumb American Sitcom writing. (Like the cringe-inducing scene when Annette Bening is talking about one thing, her son is talking about another, only they THINK they’re talking about the same thing, leading to “hilarious” and completely believable misunderstandings, hahahahaha!) Despite my enjoyment of the film, the screenplay is not award-worthy.

Jeremy: Expositional dialogue is one thing. Agonizingly tedious expositional dialogue is another. And as for the ideas, there's nothing that really grabbed me about them. Let's go into people's minds so we can … find a piece of paper with writing on it and read it? Yes, that's how the psyche works. Even more cynical is the tacky creation of subconscious protector drones who are little more than video-game targets. Nolan had the whole majestic human psyche to work with and came up with nothing but dull action setups with no urgency. I love that a film founded on ambitious ideas got made, and turned into a massive hit. I just don't love the film. Hopefully it will open the door for others.

Chris: The points you just made are far more tedious than the film's dialogue. Did you notice how the types of subconscious we're seeing and experiencing are CONSTRUCTS, not dream-like reflections of how a brain works?

"That's how the psyche works"? Were you just not paying attention when the film explained exactly why information is stored that way in these dream constructs, and how that makes absolutely perfect sense? Bah, nevermind, it's hopeless. Moving on ...

Best Actress

Annette Bening, “The Kids Are All Right”
Nicole Kidman, “Rabbit Hole”
Jennifer Lawrence, “Winter’s Bone”
Natalie Portman, “Black Swan”
Michelle Williams, “Blue Valentine”

And now to introduce the award for Best Actress, please welcome George Lucas!

George Lucas: Oh boy, I’m getting all excited thinking about what I’m going to do with the digital versions of these ladies in my private office!

I feel pretty much entirely responsible for Natalie Portman’s soon-to-be Oscar win tonight, since I basically turned her into the actress she is today with “The Phantom Menace” and “Attack of the Clones” and “Revenge of the Sith.” I’m very well-known for working with actors, you see, so I’m pretty sure that when she wins tonight, she’ll thank me most of all, for teaching her all she now knows about acting.

The one thing that I was disappointed about in “Black Swan” was that her performance wasn’t digital enough. I tried to convince her to undergo my radical new Digital Conversion therapy that converts a human being from a physical being to a digital one – so that they only take up digital space rather than using up the Earth’s resources – but she refused.

Bitch.

I’m in the middle of the process myself, and ladies and gentlemen, it is magnificent. Soon we’ll ALL be digital!

Chris says: Well, as much as I loved the performances of Natalie Portman and Jennifer Lawrence, for some reason it feels like there’s a glaring absence on this list. But what is it?

Oh yeah, that’s right, it’s CAREY FUCKING MULLIGAN for “NEVER FUCKING LET ME THE FUCK GO.” Shit, “Academy” – if that’s your real name – don’t you realize you have the best under-30 actress in the world doing great work right under your nose? And you let her lose last year to Sandra Effing Bullock? For the effing “Blind Side”? Come on!

GOB Bluth says: COME ON!

Chris: Look, I know it would have been far too outside-the-box of you to consider nominating Sylvie Testud for “Lourdes” or Isabelle Huppert for “White Material,” surely you could have considered someone like Rachel McAdams for absolutely carrying “Morning Glory,” rather than Nicole Kidman in “Rabbit Hole.” Although I confess, I do have another reason why I’m slightly biased toward McAdams. Explain it to the people, Mr. Pacino:

Anyway, how about Catherine Keener for “Please Give”? Or Hailee Stein—oh, wait, nevermind, we covered that already.

But back to those who weren’t shafted.

Portman has been the frontrunner for months and will probably take it, and she’d be my choice of the five nominees, too. The way her entire countenance – body language, eyes, facial expressions, attitude – shifts during a key moment (the key moment, really) not only brings everything home for the movie, but underscores how effectively she had pulled off the docile, frightened, childlike persona from the rest of the film. It’s a great performance, worthy of all the accolades she's receiving.

I have a weird, itchy feeling that Annette Bening could swoop in and steal it from Portman. The Academy may want to honor “The Kids Are All Right,” and it’s certainly not going to win anything else. Bening is well-respected and has never won an Oscar, and if anyone’s going to upset Portman this year, it’s going to be Bening. So look out for that.

And hey, we’ve been all about Oscar tradition tonight, right? Well, wouldn’t it be all too traditional for an Aronofsky-directed lead performance to get the shaft? *cough*Ellen Burstyn*cough*Mickey Rourke*cough*

Jeremy says: Hrm. What you’re saying disturbs me, Mr. Bellamy. I think I’m going to go cry now.

Chris covered most of my agenda, explaining how great Portman is and wondering where the fuck Carey Mulligan is. (I mean, seriously.)

Jennifer Lawrence shows the promise of a fruitful career in “Winter’s Bone,” but Portman simply commands “Black Swan” through its entirety. It has to be a great performance, and it is.

Bening’s work is cute and enjoyable, and she is kind of a Hollywood institution, but no. I can’t do it. Portman takes the thing by the balls.

Best Actor

Javier Bardem, “Biutiful”
Jeff Bridges, “True Grit”
Jesse Eisenberg, “The Social Network”
Colin Firth, “The King’s Speech”
James Franco, “127 Hours”

And now to introduce the nominees for Best Actor, please welcome: ADRIEN BRODY!

*applause*

Adrien Brody says: If you Google “Javier Bardem,” you might discover that he’s “doing great” after the birth of his son last year. Or that according to PerezHilton.com, he joined the Western Sahara Protest last November. Or you might find a photo of him and a small dog with basically the same haircut:

Christ, I sure hope he never wore that haircut in public. Can you imagine if he ever had to be in a movie looking like that? Hey, I was in “The Village,” and even I wouldn’t show my face in public if I had hair like that.

Then after him, I Googled Jeff Bridges. And you know what? Did you know that there’s a whole web site just about Jeff Bridges? It’s www.JeffBridges.com! He’s got his own Internet address! Crazy, man. Oh, and did you know – fuck, dude – did you know they made a sequel to TRON? I remember that movie, man, from back in the day. Fuuuuuuck.

So anyway, after I Googled Jeff Bridges, I Googled “Jesse Eisenberg” or whatever. Get this – did you know he invented Facebook?

I know, right? I had no idea. Here he is some actor doing zombie movies and shit, and it turns out he’s got this whole entire website that he invented himself. That must have taken, like, all day to invent that. It’s crazy, he’s probably super rich by now. Know what else? I – that’s right, ME – just got my VERY OWN Facebook page. Bam! I just dropped a truth bomb in your face. Go to Facebook and type “Adrien Brody,” and that’s me. My own Facebook page, my own Facebook account, the works.

Celebrities, right? Fuuuuck. http://www.JeffBridges.com!

So after I got my mind blown by that Facebook shit, I thought about Asking Jeeves about Colin Firth. But it turns out someone took Jeeves out of the equation and now it’s just Ask.com. So I said fuck that and went back to Google. If I can’t have Jeeves I want nothing at all.

So I Googled Colin Firth. I gotta tell ya, man – I barely even needed to Google him because I already bought the DVD of “Mamma Mia” last year. You want to buy it? Too bad, man, you can’t have it – I bought it. Mine. You want to see Colin Firth sing the SHIT out of some ABBA, you’re gonna want to come to MY place.

I know, I know, I’m braggin’ – they probably only let me have it because they knew I was in “Summer of Sam,” and THAT movie used some ABBA songs, too. Celebrities, man.

So the LAST dude I Googled? James. Fuckin. Franco. That’s some sad shit, man. He only got to make, like, what was it, three movies? And then he got in that big famous car wreck and died. Just like that. You’ve just gotta wear your fuckin’ seatbelt, man. Remember that movie where James Franco was like, “YOU’RE TEARING ME APAAAAART!” God, I laughed so hard at that movie. We’re gonna miss you, James.

Anyway, do you want to know what ALL THESE DUDES HAVE IN COMMON? This is crazy. ALL of them – all five – are nominated for Best Actor TONIGHT.

Like, I didn’t even know that before. I just like Googling celebrities. I do it all the time. I probably spend three or four hours every single day just sitting in my house Googling celebrities. Maybe five hours. It’s pretty much like an awesome scavenger hunt.

I even Google celebrities when I’m in my trailer. I have my own trailer, you know. I’m an Oscar-winning actor. And when I won my Oscar, I got to make out with Halle Berry.

What, you don’t believe me? Shit, son, Google it then. Do it, I dare you! Do it just like I did it with Halle Berry after we made out. Google it right now! … Have you ever even Googled before? I’m kind of an expert at it, so I can help you if you want. Bro, just type in “Adrian Brody totally makes out with Halle Berry” and tell me what comes up.

Told you so, cocksucker.

Anyways, I’m pretty much the world’s biggest expert on Googling.

Jeremy says: I will now attempt to fill as much space as possible to tell you what you already know: Colin Firth will win Best Actor. He plays a man with a stammer, you see. And he actually simulates a stammer in his performance. How did he do it? It’s a bleedin’ ma-mmmma-miracle. FUUUUUUCK!

But while Firth is a great actor who gave a strong performance, I have a hard time ignoring Jeff Bridges and Jesse Eisenberg, both of whom inspire awe. Eisenberg completely sells you on his portrayal of Mark Zuckerberg less than 30 seconds into “The Social Network.” It isn’t the Academy’s beloved dead-on imitation of a real-life person because it isn’t trying to be. It creates its own mood and feel.

Meanwhile, Jeff Bridges takes a character known best for its portrayal by an icon of no less stature of John Wayne, and says, “Fuck that. I’m Jeff Fucking Bridges.” He certainly is.

Chris says: I agree with that much. He is Jeff Fucking Bridges. There’s no getting around it. I would question whether or not Rooster is a lead role in “True Grit,” but fuck it, the Academy knows what it’s doing, right?

I’ve always marveled at Bridges’ greatness; in fact, when he won last year it almost filled me with a sense of melancholy, since I could no longer bitch about how underappreciated he’s always been. I’d love to see him win his second in a row, but my personal preference would have to be for Eisenberg, whose brilliant voice inflections, tone of voice and attitude elevate a good role into a truly great one. In him, we see a character who is vicious, insecure, calculating, caustic and even a little scared, and Eisenberg pulls all that off with what seems like no real effort. It’s impressive, to say the least.

It’s disappointing to see that neither of Leonardo DiCaprio’s excellent performances were honored in this category – my preference would be “Shutter Island” – and the still-underrated Colin Farrell deserved consideration for Neil Jordan’s beautiful “Ondine” as well. And while we’re at it, a little appreciation for George Clooney in the incredibly underrated “The American,” Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Jack Goes Boating” and Casey Affleck in “The Killer Inside Me.”

But yeah, Firth is going to win it.

Best Director

Darren Aronofsky, “Black Swan”
Joel and Ethan Coen, “True Grit”
David Fincher, “The Social Network”
Tom Hooper, “The King’s Speech”
David O. Russell, “The Fighter”

Now to present the award for Best Director, which always goes to the actual best director of the year ever year, please welcome professional DVD special features correspondent, Peter Bogdanovich!

Peter Bogdanovich: Presenting the Academy Award for Best Director brings a flood of memories. Like when I was nominated for it in 1972 and my good friend Orson Welles congratulated me.

Looking at these nominees, I’m reminded of a conversation I once had with my good friend, Orson Welles. Orson had been enjoying a nice bottle of wine — not Paul Masson wine, mind you, he didn’t really drink that shit, you know — and was talking about the directors of the future. This was shortly before Orson’s death, you see, and “Blood Simple” had just come out.

“They say this film is the most assured debut since ‘Citizen Kane,’” Orson told me, “but I think these kids will really reach their pinnacle when they remake ‘True Grit’ in 2010.” Orson was always so wise. He should have remade “True Grit” himself. He could have played Rooster Cogburn himself — I have some rare footage that proves it!

My other good friend Howard Hawks liked to say that a great movie had three great scenes and no bad ones. No bad ones? I guess that’s a bit harsh. Puts Paul Haggis at a serious disadvantage. Howard liked films where you could tell who the devil made it, available in fine bookstores everywhere. You can tell in a few of these films — I can tell that “Black Swan” was directed not by Howard, but by Darren Aronofsky — but can you tell in all of the nominees?

That’s a question I might ask my old pal John Ford, who didn’t like to shoot any coverage because he didn’t want the studios to mess with his films. David Fincher likes to shoot a lot of takes, but then deletes some of them, but how much coverage does he shoot? How much coverage does Tom Hooper shoot?

My late nemesis Fritz Lang once tried to break up my marriage. I didn’t need any help in that regard, thank you very much, I told him. But ol’ Fritzy wasn’t known as the kindest man in Hollywood. Neither is David O. Russell, who likes to yell and throw things. I like to yell and throw things too, but not on movie sets. I think Fritzy was a better crank than Russell. Russell doesn’t play with fire enough.

And now, the award goes to … my good friend Orson Welles for “The Other Side of the Wind!” Hooray! Oh, I’m sorry, that’s next year’s Oscar. I still need to complete the last 0.0000001 percent of the film for Orson before it can be released.

Chris says: I could bitch all night about yet another snub for Christopher Nolan, who expertly balanced the scope of “Inception” with all its complexities and majestic visuals. Especially when Tom Hooper’s adequate but largely pedestrian direction was recognized. Or I could bitch about how the magnificent understated direction of Mark Romanek in “GODDAMMIT NEVER MOTHERFUCKING LET ME GO” was criminally overlooked. Especially when David O. Russell’s very solid but – let’s face it – hardly visionary work on “The Fighter” was recognized.

I could do that. But I won’t. You won’t hear any bitching from me about how those two guys were shafted. Let’s just focus on the nominees. And of the nominees, Darren Aronofsky is the clear champion of this group. How many other filmmakers could craft such a dynamite tapestry of moods and emotions – shifting between operatic chaos and poetic grace – as he did? Stylistically, he reinvented himself once again, and put together an extraordinary piece of filmmaking.

Which, of course, is exactly why he won’t win. And probably never will – that is, until maybe when he’s in his 60s and they figure he’s due, or he directs a biopic or a period piece that suits the Academy’s taste.

Plus, even an Aronofsky win would be bittersweet, because Daniel Craig would probably just come along and steal the statuette and fuck Rachel Weisz with it. So I suppose it’s just as well that David Fincher will get recognition this year for his outstanding work on “The Social Network.” The Coens already have 25 Oscars, and after all, “The Social Network” was the frontrunner for everything until “The King’s Speech” came along with an inexplicable (or all too explicable?) surge of momentum. Fincher it is.

Jeremy says: Ah, the split. You could call it The Harvey Split. Sir Weinstein has twice lost the Best Director statuette while pushing a film through to Best Picture glory — with “Shakespeare in Love” and “Chicago.”

There is, however, a little thing called the Directors Guild of America, which hands out its own little award and hasn’t failed to predict the Oscar since 2003. The guild gave it to Hooper.

Is it just the TV directors pushing through Hooper because he’s one of them? Maybe. But don’t forget all the actors in the Academy. How much affection do they hold for Fincher?

Sure, he’s a respected guy considered by many to be a visionary, but his name doesn’t immediately inspire that warm glow of affection in Oscar voters. If he wins, it will be because voters are wishy washy on whether they want to award “The Social Network” or “The King’s Speech.” My guess: Harvey — err, Hooper — gets his Best Director statuette.

It’s a bit odd to see Russell nominated now, years after “Three Kings” truly deserved recognition for its brilliant, bold direction. But I digress.

Obviously I don’t hold the Academy in the same disdain for the Nolan snub, but I am pissed about Romanek not being on the list, along with “Lourdes” director Jessica Hausner — who created a moment so magical you weren’t sure if you really saw it — or Jaques Audiard — who made a visceral, smart, thrilling crime film with “A Prophet” — or Sylvain Chomet — he’s a great animator, yes, but he’s also a great director. What do I think this is, the Cesar Awards?

Best Picture

“127 Hours”
“Black Swan”
“The Fighter”
“Inception”
“The Kids Are All Right”
“The King’s Speech”
“The Social Network”
“Toy Story 3"
“True Grit”
“Winter’s Bone”

Yeah, fuck the producer credits. Presenting the Academy Award for Best Picture, please welcome the esteemed winner of a Best Director Oscar, Mel Gibson.

Mel Gibson: Let me start by saying that it’s an honor to be here, and I’ve had a few drinks. The Jew producers have really outdone themselves this year. With all sincerity, every one of these nominees deserves to be blown, even if their producers are responsible for all the wars in the world. I mean, King Edward was supposed to be the hero of “The King’s Speech,” but they cut out all the Nazi sympathizing! Fucking Jews.

WHAT?! What do you mean, wrap it up? You want to fuck with me? I fucking own Malibu!

WHAT?! WHAT?! We’re not in Malibu? No, it appears we’re in Zion, and all these Jew producers wanna have prima nocta with my new bride, meaning they get to beat the shit out of her before I do. What do I care about a selfish harpy with a dysfunctional cunt anyway! I better get out of here, before I lose my FREEDOM!

Jeremy says: This is the second year of the controversial 10 Best Picture nominees rule, and by controversial I mean some people bitch about it but I don’t really mind it. I mean, “Toy Story 3" gets a little extra recognition, a solid indie like “Winter’s Bone” gets a wider audience. Chris must be happy to see “Inception” in there, but now that it’s nominated, I have to reveal that if it loses, it will be wiped from the minds of everyone who has seen it. Shit. That’s heavy.

But let’s be honest — there might as well only be two nominees. “The King’s Speech” and “Never Let Me Go.” But seeing how the latter didn’t get A SINGLE FUCKING NOMINATION IN A SINGLE FUCKING CATEGORY, let’s go with “The Social Network,” which was the clear favorite when are award season started, so many years ago. Yes, critics groups loved it, but how often to those groups pick the same film that wins the Oscar? OK, maybe a little more frequently than they used to given recent wins by “No Country for Old Men” and “The Hurt Locker.”

But those were anomalies. The Oscars can’t change their stripes. They might have a few days of sobriety, but soon enough their friend Harvey will stop by and just happen to be holding. Next thing you know that little gold man is on a decade-long costume drama bender. He can’t stop himself. He’s like Charlie Sheen on a talk show.

Crazy.

Of course “Black Swan” is the most perfectly assembled, unforgettable experience of all the nominees. And it also has some hot lesbian sex. But it has even less a chance of victory than “True Grit,” the second-best nominee.

No, it’s all going to the stereotypical Oscar punchline, “The King’s Speech.” I can’t really fault the film for being the quintessential Oscar movie. David Seidler, who grew up struggling with speech problems, had a story he’d been wanting to tell for some time. How was he going to get such a film financed? Well, with the promise of Oscar glory, of course. Harvey may want to edit out the best parts of the film for a PG-13 rating, but this film was never one that would have the junior high boys clamoring. Tom Hooper tackled the script with stately competence, crafting a well-made, pretty film with some fine performances. Many films with similar ambitions have achieved much less. So while “The King’s Speech” may not be among the year’s best films, it is a very good one. Oscar could do better, but they also could do — and have done — much worse.

Chris says: Ehhh, “a very good one” is a bit of a stretch. It’s a decent enough film, I suppose, but let’s not go crazy.

By this point, we’ve pretty much covered all the ground we need to cover. I think it’s clear where we stand on all these films. The best of the nominees is “Black Swan” – what with “NEVER GODDAMN LET ME MOTHERFUCKING GO” being forgotten and all – and the movie that will win it, in typical Academy fashion, is The British Period Piece About the Guy With the Crippling Disability Who Forms a Beautiful Friendship With an Eccentric Supporting Character and Inspiringly Overcomes His Issues and Delivers an Inspirational and Extremely Important Speech About Defeating the Nazis As Tears Flow Down Cheeks and Everyone Cheers and Lifts Him Up On Their Shoulders Singing For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow. Er, I mean “The King’s Speech.”

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – in 20 years, no one is going to remember “The King’s Speech.” There are a number of films on this 10-movie ballot that will still be remembered and discussed, and will still hold up, and many more that aren’t on the ballot at all. Enjoy your time in the sun, “The King’s Speech” – it won’t last long. You seen anyone discussing “Out of Africa” or “Driving Miss Daisy” lately? I didn’t think so.

SDP 32: Sundance 2011 Recap With Amber Wilkinson

2011-02-25T03:27:00.000-07:00

In Episode 32 of The Same Dame Podcast, Amber Wilkinson from Eye for Film joins Jeremy to discuss Sundance and her first Graham Cracker. (Jeremy and Chris were spending Sundance apart in a last-ditch attempt to save their marriage.) These two noble, sleep-deprived film journalists try to stay awake to discuss films like "Life in a Day," "The Great Cinema Holdup," "A Family Portrait in Black and White," "Win Win," "Red State" and many other titles.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

SDP 31: The Reboot Never Stopped

2011-02-25T03:26:00.000-07:00

Episode 31 of The Same Dame Podcast (recorded the same day as the last podcast) continues the dramatic conversation that reached a chilling cliffhanger in episode 30. Will Jeremy and Chris meet Stephen Stewf Coles's jizz-free challenge? Will they go mad and end the episode singing and laughing uncontrolably? Did Jeremy completely misread the trailer of "The Town?" Has the reboot failed so miserably that a re-reboot is on the horizon? Is the answer to any of these questions no?

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

SDP30: Reboot!

2011-02-04T03:50:00.000-07:00

Episode 30 of The Same Dame Podcast (recorded 12/19/10) could also be called episode 2.01. Or not. Whatever. Chris and Jeremy talk "Black Swan," "Never Let Me Go," "Unstoppable" and other random films they saw over the past six months.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

Jeremy's Top 10 Films of 2010

2011-01-19T14:44:00.002-07:00

2010 was the year of the great ending. It's extremely difficult to conclude an entire film in a way that distills its theme without forcing a resolution or being a bit too on the nose. But this year, several films saved their greatest moments for late in the game.

As enticing as the first two acts of "Black Swan" are, several past films have inspired the same puzzled excitement, only to limp to the finish line with a labored reveal. But the third act was a perfect culmination of the main character's psychosis, which she harnesses into a dance performance.

Given its rather bleak worldview, the conclusion of "The Illusionist" required stunning execution. Anything less would have inspired ridicule. So Sylvain Chomet delivered one flawless shot after one perfectly timed cut after another.

And the simple, sly framing of the chilling last shot of "Dogtooth" lets the film's uneasy subject matter linger.

I could go on, starting with the final moments of the best film of 2010, but I better just get to my top 10 list…

1. "Never Let Me Go"
With a remarkable economy of storytelling, Mark Romanek mixes the familiar with the extraordinary in this alternate-history science-fiction tale, based on Kazuo Ishiguro's novel. Carey Mulligan, who is quickly establishing herself as one of the best young actresses around, joins with Andrew Garfield and Keira Knightley to portray three friends who grew up in a government-run British schoolhouse, raised for a very specific purpose. (There are also several great supporting performances.)

Romanek manages to make things clear to us even when they aren't clear to the characters, making the film's push toward inevitable heartbreak all the more devastating.

2. "Black Swan"
Darren Aronofsky somehow manages to satirize star culture with merciless black humor whilst truly getting in the head of a woman who wants nothing except to perform her role perfectly — and keep her new place at the top of her dance company.

3. "Lourdes"
There is a moment in Jessica Hausner's film that is so astounding, that is built up to so beautifully, that you almost wonder if you really saw it. Set in the French mountain town known for its miracles, "Lourdes" follows the expedition of a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic who travels with a tour group to queue up to be bathed in healing water like it's the new ride at Six Flags. Hausner's film is sly, funny and constantly surprising.

4. "A Prophet"
French director Jacques Audiard's smart, visceral film depicts a correctional system that breeds more crime and violence. It focuses on Malik, a man who uses his intelligence and adaptability to play the system and take advantage of the corrupt hierarchy of prison life.

5. "The Illusionist"
While some filmmakers buy up the rights to make lifeless, digital versions of legendary performers of the past, Sylvain Chomet ("The Triplets of Belleville") revived Jaques Tati by using his distinct animation as the defibrillator. Every frame is drawn with care and affection, and Chomet brings out the humor and deep sadness from the unproduced Tati screenplay.

6. "True Grit"
Joel and Ethan Coen re-adapted Charles Portis's western novel into a film that stands brilliantly on its own, loaded with memorable performances and gorgeous cinematography. Jeff Bridges's performance as Rooster Cogburn is one of those instantly iconic turns, but young Hailee Steinfeld does equally outstanding work with a less showy role.

7. "Last Train Home"
Lixin Fan's beautifully shot documentary examines the changing landscape of China through the eyes of one family. We see the difficult lives of migrant Chinese workers, trying to get back to see their family. Fan not only reaches a level of extreme intimacy with the family, but captures their story with remarkable visual grace. From the first shot to the last, Fan shows a visual precision rarely associated with documentary filmmaking.

8. "Somewhere"
Sofia Coppola's exploration of secluded movie star life may seem simple, but it's actually a carefully observed study of how the world reacts to fame, and how famous people in turn react to that changed world. The film is about a star (Stephen Dorff) as he spends more time than usual with his daughter (Elle Fanning). Coppola doesn't merely study the father-daughter relationship, but how the movie star's life — women constantly throw themselves at him — affects that relationship.

9. "Dogtooth"
All parents feel the urge to protect their children from certain evils of the adult world. The Greek film "Dogtooth" is about some parents who take that urge a little too far, lying to their children about the outside world, which they've never seen because they aren't allowed to leave the confines of their house. Director Giorgos Lanthimos balances horrific scenarios with deadpan humor, and never becomes complacent with the film's concept. He constantly finds new ways to disturb the hell out of us.

10. "The American"
In the tradition of the great thrillers of the 1970s, Anton Corbijn's "The American" precisely builds its mood while letting the suspense slowly increase. It seems that audiences, drawn to the film by George Clooney's sexy sexy star power, felt duped after flocking to the film on its first weekend. Maybe it's just a matter of taste, but I can't see how anyone who was really paying attention could be bored.

Eleven tied for 11th: "Bellamy," "Carlos," "Sweetgrass," "White Material," "Wild Grass," "Winter's Bone," "Another Year," "Around a Small Mountain," "Shutter Island," "Mother" and "Toy Story 3."

Honorable Mention: "Alamar," "Animal Kingdom," "Catfish," "Enter the Void," "Everyone Else," "The Fighter," "A Film Unfinished," "The Ghost Writer," "Green Zone," "Greenberg," "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow," "How to Train Your Dragon," "I Am Love," "Exit Through The Gift Shop," "The Kids Are Alright," "Life During Wartime," "127 Hours," "Please Give," "Rabbit Hole," "Red Riding Trilogy," "Scott Pilgrim vs The World," "The Social Network," "The Town" and "Vincere."

Towering Masterpiece "The Tourist" Given Its Due by HFPA

2010-12-14T07:04:00.009-07:00

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. - Joining the ranks of such tours de force as "Bobby," "Nine" and of course Tom Shadyac's seminal "Patch Adams," the comedic spy thriller "The Tourist" was given the most prestigious and least ludicrous honor in the film industry this morning, garnering a Best Picture nomination from the Golden Globes.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association on Tuesday announced its selections of the best the film industry had to offer in 2010. While several high-profile films made the cut - among them "Black Swan," "Inception," "The King's Speech" and That One About Boner Pills and Parkinson's Disease - the one that seemed to leave all of them in the dust was "The Tourist," directed by Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck ("The Lives of Others"). As anyone who follows the film industry can attest, "The Tourist" was the defining film of an otherwise underwhelming year, and perhaps a generation as well. Deftly exemplifying the concerns of a world in tumult, the film was most definitely not savaged by critics and audiences alike, no matter what its 20 percent Tomatometer rating might suggest. In other words, rumors of it being a complete piece of shit have been greatly exaggerated.

One member of the HFPA put it another way: "Look," voting member Günther Henckel von Donnersmarck said, "if you combine ze Tomatometer ratings of 'Ze Tourist' und deine fellow Best Picture nominee 'Burlesque,' you almost have a Fresh rating. Look at it zat way, ja? Wir haben sehr sehr viel integrity."

Still, despite the self-evident qualities of "The Tourist" as both a great work of art and an entirely new way of looking at the medium, many philistines questioned its inclusion on the final slate of nominees. No one questioned the fact that it turned a mirror around on society and forced us to ask the most challenging questions about ourselves, our values, and of course our bodies; rather, it was the decision to designate the film a "comedy," rather than as the piercing human drama that it really is.

HFPA representatives scoffed at such criticism. Said voting member Sebastian Henckel von Donnersmarck: "We have ze highest possible standards here at ze HFPA. In 'Ze Tourist' we saw a film zat deserved to be placed alongside zat movie where Robin Williams played a psychopath who stole children's medicine und zen put on a fake red nose und made everyone laugh until zey all died of terminal diseases."

Added fellow voting member Matthias Henckel von Donnersmarck: "That movie was both a great drama and a hilarious comedy! Ich liebte es!"

There are those in the critical community who supported the film and no doubt are overjoyed at its inclusion in the year-end awards race. Rolling Stone's Peter Travers said of "The Tourist": "It's a knockout! It'll have you begging for more! It's a whiz-bang action crackerjack! Wow! ****! Irresistible! You'll love it! Jaw-dropping! This is why we go to the movies! Spellbinding! It sneaks up and floors you! Dazzling! It's a dazzler! Wow!"

And Armond White of the New York Press effusively praised "The Tourist" thusly: "'Black Swan' sucks."

But the majority of bloggers and film critics can't see a timeless, ahead-of-its-time masterpiece like "The Tourist" for what it is and simply accept that it's getting exactly what it deserves, and so continue to pan the selection, pointing to so-called "more deserving" comedies and/or musicals such as "Greenberg," "Toy Story 3," "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World," "Please Give," "Date Night," "Tangled," "Tamara Drewe," "How to Train Your Dragon" or "pretty much any other movie that came out except that one with Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp."

Many have claimed that the selection further de-legitimizes an award show that has a reputation for questionable selections and an over-emphasis on star power - "The Tourist," starring arguably the two biggest stars in the industry, being a classic case in point. Some might even wonder if anyone in the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has even seen the fucking movie.

"Ja," said voting member Wolfgang Henckel von Donnersmarck, who wishes to remain anonymous. He added: "But OK, OK, ve admit ve never saw 'Bobby.' Es tut mir leid!"

The Golden Globe Awards will be presented sometime in January when you'll probably be busy doing something else and forget about them and then end up just looking for all the funniest Ricky Gervais bits on YouTube.

One prominent HFPA member, Maximilian Henckel von Donnersmarck, insisted that the association has nothing but the greatest artistic integrity in mind when putting together its nominations. "Wir haben nichts aber die grösste künstlerische Vollständigkeit im Verstand, wenn wir unsere Nennungen zusammenfügen," he said, adding, finally, "Können Sie mir sagen, wo der Bahnhof ist?"

THE Tracklist for Sufjan Stevens's 'Utah'

2010-11-01T13:48:00.002-06:00

Back in the glory days of The Salt Shaker magazine, the staff named Sufjan Stevens's Illinois the no. 1 album of 2005. In honor of the occasion, Brent Sallay got the scoop of the Century: the official track listing for Sufjan's Utah. Sure, Sufjan recently called his 50 States Project a joke and a gimmick. And having only covered Illinois and Michigan in the past seven years, he may not be on pace to finish this thing in the next century. But in honor of Sufjan's Salt Lake City show tonight at Kingsbury Hall, here is Brent Sallay's classic list:

Sufjan Stevens Says, "Utah— They Really Laid This Place Out Well"

1. To the Pioneers Who Settled in Magna by Accident

2. To the Five Polygamist Wives in Colorado City That I Saw Once at an Arby’s

3. The Great Salt Lake Divide, or “This Is the Place,” or “No, It Isn’t,” or “Yes, It Is,” or “Dude, Seriously,” or “If You Build It, They Will Come.”

4. Mormons in Danger!!

5. At the Point of Your Mountain, I Will Meet You, I Will Meet You

6. The Jordan River

7. To the Frail Old Lady Who Couldn’t Cross the Street Because All the Orange Flags Were on the Other Side

8. Steve Young, Move Back to Utah Please!!!

9. The Great TRAX Massacre of 2027— Which Will Have Occurred by the Time Sufjan Stevens Gets Around to Making This Album

10. Onward Olympic Soldiers!

11. A Five-Second Interlude That Pales in Comparison to the Experience of Actually Witnessing the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in Person, or “I Lost My Wallet at Temple Square, Can You Please Help Me Find It?” or “Missionaries, Look Elsewhere! I Have Already Found Jesus!”

12. Exclamation Points! Placed Incongruously Throughout !!! a Sent!ence That Is Already Suffic!iently Exclamatory! Without!!!!! Them (Sorry, that was a cheap shot.) (!)

13. President Bush Visits!

14. What a Kind Bunch of Lads at the Salt Shaker Magazine!

15. Democrats Attack!! Oh Me, O My!!

16. Lay Thy Head on My Pillow, Rocky Anderson, Cry Thy Tears on My Shoulder, Olene Walker, We Carry On and On Until That Great Millennial Day

Go Gay: A Serious Academic Discussion in the Form of a Top-5 List

2010-09-18T00:51:00.011-06:00

The great Buster Keaton, coming straight at you
and ready to pounce.

About a month ago, David Quin of the Free Ed Podcast began to populate his Twitter feed with a long list of men for whom he'd "go gay." We're talking about a long list. It might have been faster for him to name those who didn't make the list.

Anyhow, THE FUTURIST! and I concluded that we too should make top 5 "Go Gay" lists in Mr. Quin's honor. And after quite a bit of wishy-washy delay, our lists are here. There may be one or two differences in eligibility requirements, no doubt because we kept changing them (I had down that all the honorees would be from the cinematic arts, but THE FUTURIST! included an author), but both our lists are now live. Read THE FUTURISTS!'s here and read mine below.

The white stuff in his face came out
of that thing in his mouth.

Jean-Paul Belmondo
We all know that Belmondo has some impressive facial contortions up his sleeves, and I don't see how that couldn't come in handy in the bedroom. But that's not why he made the list. No, he made it for his assured presence, his ability to be suave one moment and silly the next, without ever losing his sexual aura.

The touch, the feel…

Joseph Cotten
Among the many men on Mr. Quin's list was any-era Orson Welles (despite THE FUTURIST!'S concerns that older Welles would crush Quin). But I'm oriented more toward Welles's friend and colleague at the Mercury and beyond. You can tell that Cotten knows how to treat a fellow. He'd make me feel safe, and I'd let him do whatever he wanted to me, trusting that I was in good hands.

Jessica Mathews: "I think it would be fun to run a newspaper with Joseph Cotten, especially when we have to work late alone together at night."

Me: "Get him a little drunk."

Jessica: "Maybe a lot."

"He may have starred in 'The Third Man' but he's the first man whose mouth I want to put my balls into" — TJ Fogelsanger

Speaking of which…

Keaton's pioneering of tea-bagging has
been woefully overlooked.

Buster Keaton
This should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever spoken to me for more than 38 seconds. Buster could stand erect while my facade fell down around him any time. There are a number of reasons for which to go gay for Buster, each of which would be a good enough reason on its own. He is a genius—both a master storyteller and innovative craftsman, and cinema IQ turns me on. And we all know how flexible he is. The man toured the country taking a licking on stage and was always back up and ready for more before you could shout for it. And there's no question he'll finish the job—if he can complete a take after breaking his neck, think what he can do while roughing it in the sack.

Sometimes Ewan makes one pray for a gust of wind.
Or: 120-proof Scotch

Ewan McGregor
That smile. That grace. That gentle yet rugged presence. Look at the way Ewan's eyes light up as he sings "Your Song" in "Moulin Rouge!" and tell me you don't swoon. You can't do it, can you? The man is simply dreamy, in the most sexual sense of the word. (Would that be wet-dreamy?)

"I don't know what's under the kilt. I only know I want it in my ass." —TJ Fogelsanger

The hand slightly obscuring his face only
makes me want him more.

Mark Ruffalo
Ruffalo, say it aloud. The name rolls off the tongue, just as I'm sure the man himself rolls off the tongue. Studly and unassuming, Ruffalo is always impressive, and never worried about proving himself. That's right, folks, he doesn't need to compensate for anything.

"I hope people try to give me a lobotomy just so I can hang out with Mark Ruffalo all weekend." —Jessica Mathews

Claude Chabrol: 1930-2010

2010-09-13T13:34:00.003-06:00

Claude Chabrol was so in love with movies that he never stopped making them. During the periods in which most filmmakers take a break or linger in development hell, he made movies. They were sometimes produced in unflattering or compromised circumstances, but nevertheless they were Chabrol films that held his cynical outlook, simmering tensions and challenging resolutions.

Between 1958 and his death on Sept. 12, 2010, he made around 50 films, contributed shorts to a few compilations, and directed several television episodes. Few other filmmakers (Woody Allen comes to mind) managed to maintain such a long prolific streak. Perhaps that's why the 80 year old's death comes as such a surprise. It seemed like he'd go on forever.

Chabrol started his career, as many other great French New Wave directors did, writing for the landmark film journal Cahiers du cinema. The year before he released "Le beau Serge" (1958) oft-cited as the first film of the New Wave, he co-wrote a landmark study on Alfred Hitchcock with fellow director Éric Rohmer, who died earlier this year. (Jean-Luc Godard and Jaques Rivette are now the only Cahiers New Wave directors still living.) Many cite the book as the work that prompted people to think of Hitchcock as an artist and not merely an entertainer.

Le beau Serge

Indeed, the master of suspense was artist's most famous influence. But if Hitchcock's films often brought extreme danger to ordinary situations, Chabrol found the danger lurking in ordinary life. His first two films, "Le Beau Serge" and "Les cousins" both featured characters who despaired over the random imperfection that governs life. These people had dreams and plans, and they crash hard when they realize just how far away they are from their ideals.

Lurking in many of his films were sly commentaries on the social divide, best embodied by 1995's "La cérémonie," starring Sandrine Bonnaire and Isabelle Huppert as an illiterate maid and the potentially mad postal worker who befriends her, respectively. Jacqueline Bisset plays the upper-class woman of the house, who is very sympathetic to her lower-class employee, yet completely fails to understand her. Chabrol often let his stories slip more and more out of control until reaching a most astounding conclusion, and "La cérémonie" is the most jaw-dropping example of all.

La cérémonie

These descriptions all sound a bit somber, and don't suggest Chabrol's sharp, dark and subtle sense of humor. He'd include witty and droll gags and trust the audience to notice them without being hit over the head. For example, during a torture scene in "Rien ne va plus" ("The Swindle"), a gangster can be seen napping in the background, his slumber undisturbed by the screams of pain. A close-up would have broken the rhythm of the scene and played the joke too hard. Chabrol was far too classy and subtle for that.

Perhaps what's most amazing about Chabrol's films is the balance he struck—he could be funny, disturbing and touching all at once. He was the most stately and classically formal director of the Cahiers group, but his films could never be called typical. They blended new techniques with old ones, humor with violence, and bold structures with touching characters.

Le boucher

His greatest masterpiece, "Le boucher," is about a romance between a butcher and a school mistress in a small town that's become plagued by murders. The film is terrifying at moments, but Chabrol had such great empathy for his characters that what, in most hands, would have merely been an excellent thriller becomes something deeper and truly moving. Even the simple use of a song, played over a black, credit-less screen after the film's conclusion, is hard-hitting, first-class storytelling. Pure Chabrol.

SDP 28: The Fine Wine Keeps on Aging

2010-08-25T04:06:00.006-06:00

The good news about Episode 28 of the The Same Dame Podcast is that we don't have any more four-month-old podcasts in the queue. (It was recorded May 15.) The bad news is that that's only because we didn't record any episodes for a couple months.

We did, however, debut the Art-House Choo Choo, sure to be a favorite feature in all future podcasts, and offer our first-ever TV series review, of David Simon's "Treme." And we know you've been waiting for our "Iron Man 2" review before you decide whether to see it. It's here! And what's this "Metropolis" movie everyone's been talking about?

Stay tuned for some exciting July-recorded material, including a regular show and a very special San Francisco Silent FIlm Festival report, due out by May 2011. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

SFSFF 2010: A Festival There Was

2010-07-28T17:27:00.007-06:00

The Shakedown

Having haunted, amused and moved its audience with established classics and unknown treasures, The San Francisco Silent Film Festival came to a close Sunday, July 18. I published my definitive recap in Moving Pictures Magazine, and you may or may not also be inclined to explore my first and second sets of rambling on this very blog. My interviews with various festival guests and attendees will be featured in an upcoming podcast soon. Until then, here are some final thoughts on a great weekend.

Brownlow (aka God)
At Saturday's screening of "The Strong Man," the festival honored Patrick Stanbury and Kevin Brownlow of England's Photoplay Productions, which provided the lovely, restored 35-mm print of Frank Capra's classic, starring Harry Langdon. Brownlow also introduced Henry King and Sam Taylor's "The Woman Disputed," a 1928 melodrama starring Norma Talmage as a woman saved from a life of prostitution and caught in a love triangle with the two men who saved her. Both Photoplay films were accompanied by England's own Stephen Horne, whom—and you may have picked up on this if you've been playing close attention—I adore. While my favorite Horne accompaniment of the festival remained "Rotaie," he was effective conveying both Langdon's gentle humor and the emotional turmoil of a woman scorned by a hypocritical society.

Brownlow, 72, has dedicated his life to preserving and advocating silent film. Fernando Peña, the Argentinean archivist who discovered the missing footage from "Metropolis," put it best during his introduction to "Metropolis." He simply said, "We would not be here if it weren't for Kevin Brownlow."

Brownlow would still be a forever-important cinema historian if he had quit in 1968 after writing the essential book The Parade's Gone By, which recorded first-hand accounts from filmmakers and actors who defined the silent era, before their stories were lost to time. He went on to direct a collection of definitive documentary series about the silent era, including studies of the Hollywood and European film industries and biographies of D.W. Griffith and the three best-known silent clowns.

He not only championed Abel Gance's "Napoleon," he devoted his life to the quest of compiling the most complete version of the film. I spoke with Stanbury told me that he no longer thinks it impossible for Photoplay's "Napoleon" restoration to screen in the United States. The film has been mired in rights issues—Francis Ford Coppola purchased the US rights to the film and in 1981 released an edited, sped-up version of the film; while Brownlow commissioned a score by Carl Davis that accompanied the full film at the time. He continued to add and upgrade footage, while the USA releases stagnated. Now, however, Stanbury thinks its possible to bring the current, most complete restoration to the USA. "We just need someone with a big checkbook," he said. "And I hope you're that person."

The 15th festival was the first that Brownlow attended, and he was especially impressed with the festival program. The text in the festival booklet is not your typical plot synopses, but meticulously researched essays about the films and the personalities behind them. Slideshows in the auditorium before each film augment the presentation further with archival photos and anecdotes. Individual writers take on each film, and no film gets neglected in favor of the big names.

The Big Guns
The big titles included Dziga Vertov's experimental Russian classic "Man with a Movie Camera." The Alloy Orchestra's score, based Vertov's notes on how he felt the film should be accompanied, is very well known and has been released on DVD. But it reached new, pounding heights as the film chugged toward its rapid-fire visual climax. Even comedian Ron Lynch ("Home Movies"), the usually deadpan voice of SFSFF, was still a bit stunned when he made his post-movie announcement.

The Mont Alto Motion Picture Orchestra only accompanied one film this year, but it was a good one: G.W. Pabst's "Diary of a Lost Girl. The Orchestra used its usual blend of historically accurate, artistically dead-on cues to give voice to what may be Brooks's most emotionally moving performance.

Diary of a Lost Girl

The Musicians
Part of the joy of SFSFF is the many different types of accompaniment offered.

SFSFF's first ever panel discussion illustrated how different the approaches to silent film music can be. During the discussion, even Dennis James and Rodney Sauer of the Mont Alto Motion Picture orchestra had disagreements, and they were arguably the two most philosophically aligned musicians present. Throughout the discussion, James stood out as the firmest set in his opinions. His disagreement with Sauer was based around comments that most silent movies didn't have one uniform score, as accompanists compiled scores from their own libraries and only used the cue sheets for reference, rather than as a rule. Sure some films had scores commissioned for their premieres, but they usually didn't travel too far. But James countered that if a film has an existing score, it should indeed be used as accompaniment.

My own opinion is one of "whatever works." I love to see the historically accurate work of James and Mont Alto—it's a tradition that needs to be carried on by future generations. But I never hesitate to delve into the kind of stuff that purists cry fowl over. Ultimately, it comes down to connection. If music with more modern flavor helps an audience connect to a film in a way that they could never connect to a 1930s sound film, more power to the musicians. Anything that keeps the films living and breathing, and is made with careful attention to what's on screen, is fine by me.

The, Uh…Smaller Guns
Of the festival's lesser-known entries, "The Flying Ace" was the weakest. The 1926 film is most interesting as an example of a film with an all-black cast. And that cast is, in fact, absolutely charming. Unfortunately, it can't prop up writer/director Richard E. Norman detective story, which plays like a half-baked Encyclopedia Brown story. On top of the poorly structured non-story, Norman lacked any innovation or imagination to get around his low budget, making for some painfully rigid action.

Bu Wancang's 1931 film "The Spray of Plum Blossoms was a fun showcase of one of China's great stars, Lingyu Ruan. The Two Gentlemen of Verona-inspired plot flies off the rails and goes all Robin Hood in the third act, but remained highly entertaining. The film's best bit of humor comes when the new Robin Hood figures explains to his band of thieves the new principals they must live by. Everyone is down for taking from the rich and giving to the poor and all that, but he starts to lose them with the concept of not raping women.

The Spray of Plum Blossoms

While by nature a B boxing picture, William Wyler's second (and youngest surviving) non-Western film "The Shakedown" is a remarkably made, thoroughly entertaining tale of a man being reformed by a cute kid and a good woman. (Although I'm not sure how well-received a man who takes a young boy into his home would be in our modern world.) Pianist Donald Sosin offered his best accompaniment of the festival, quickly maneuvering through the movie's light-hearted flight and melodramatic overtures.

Even the most hard-core of silent film buffs hadn't seen the festival's closing film, "L'heureuse mort," a 1924 French film by Russian Immigrants, directed by Serge Nadejdine. But many were singing it's praises at the end of the festival. The amusing farce builds around the old concept that artists (in this case a playwright) become more appreciated after their death. I found the film well-made, but idiotic in its plotting, which would have worked better spread across a shorter timeline. To be honest, don't think I've ever seen a silent French comedy that completely wowed me. Maybe I just don't have the suspension of disbelief to enjoy the idiot plots that so many of the films rely on.

At the closing screening of L'heureuse mort," Leonard Maltin recalled the life of the late great film archivist and writer William K. Everson, whose eclectic programs often contained films that nobody had heard of. Yet despite their obscurity, they drew large crowds because people trusted Everson to show them fascinating films. He'd built that kind of relationship. Maltin said that the bodies that packed the Castro Theatre that night were evidence SFSFF had built a similar relationship with its loyal attendees. Most people in the theater hadn't heard of "L'heureuse mort." It's not a film school staple like "Metropolis"—it isn't on DVD and before the festival it didn't even have five votes on IMDb. No name directors or stars were promised. But the old movie palace still filled with eager movie lovers, ready for one more fix of dreamlike cinematography, virtuoso filmmaking and magical music that brings each frame to life as it flutters through the projector.

SFSFF 2010: Diary of a Silent Film Junkie

2010-07-18T14:57:00.003-06:00

The San Francisco Silent Film Festival continues to chug away, giving audiences so many once-in-a-lifetime experiences that they hardly have time to update their damn blogs. I'll be publishing a more coherent festival overview for Moving Pictures Magazines, but here are some random tidbits about festival goings on.

The "Metropolis" restoration has been playing across the country for a couple months now. Hell, it's even played in Salt Lake City. And yet it packed the theater—many people were turned away. I myself thought I wouldn't really have seen the new version until SFSFF. Why watch it at some sterile screening with a recorded score when you could see a living, breathing version at the Castro Theatre? The oft-praised, oft-derided Alloy Orchestra played the new version of its score, a pouncing, driving piece that married with the image to create an enthralling experience, especially at the end of the second "Intermezzo" act, with its fever dream of debauchery and betrayal. Kino has decided to include the score as an alternative to the original score, and having seen the restoration with both options, I anticipate using the Alloy Orchestra track more often.

In less favorable Kino news, they've only been distributing the film digitally, and inexplicably this limitation was extended to SFSFF. Prints for other films were obtained from archives that never lend out prints, yet we couldn't see the restored "Metropolis" in its original format. Incredible. Fortunately Alloy still made the screening unforgettable.

The film screened Friday night, and the heroes of the evening were the Argentineans who discovered the nearly complete version of the film, Fernando Peña and Paula Félix-Didier from Buenos Aires. Much of the media coverage of the discovery and restoration didn't give them the credit they deserved, perhaps because it filtered through press releases by the F.W. Murnau Siftung in Germany, where the film was restored.

The discovery was no fluke—Peña first suspected that the national film archive had a print of the full film 20 years before he got his hands on it. He was refused access for years, until Félix-Didier took over that film museum and they finally examined the print and promptly confirmed that it was what he suspected.

It started when Peña spoke with a man who recalled holding his finger in the projector for an entire screening of "Metropolis," pressuring the gate to stop the image from flickering. "I held it for two and a half hours," the man told him.

"Are you sure it was that long? I don't think I've ever seen a version of 'Metropolis' that long" Peña asked him.

"Yes, I will never forget how my finger felt."

Peña then started researching. He discovered Argentina was the only country besides Germany that showed the original cut of the film, because the Argentinean distributor bought it soon after its completion. It appeared that a silent collector bought a print in the 1930s, and then left it to the country's public film archive after his death.

It's a bit overwhelming to consider the number of iconic cinema scenarios Fritz Lang crammed into "Metropolis." There are stunning futuristic skylines, a mad scientist bringing his invention to life in his laboratory, a suspenseful disaster escape, a slick and sinister badass henchman, a horrific chase through the catacombs, the list goes on. Of course these setups all existed in the silent era, but to see so many pop culture mainstays so skillfully produced in one movie is astonishing.

The festival opened Thursday night with John Ford's "The Iron Horse," an epic western about the building of the transcontinental railroad. It was a stately opener, with sweeping landscape photography, suspenseful chases and just enough political intrigue to add conflict to the story. In 1924, the period setting wasn't that distant, and Ford was able to create a very authentic, at times documentary-like feel. The film itself was a struggle to make, and the conditions its crew faced—sometimes in harsh snow—weren't that different for those endured in the mad quest to build the railroad. (They even had a brothel!) Accompanist Dennis James was in great form, boiling the film's drama and suspense along with the Castro Theatre's lovely built-in organ.

The party that followed in the building of sponsor McCroskey Mattress Company was full of light-hearted fun, including an old-timey band, a "Metropolis" photo booth and some slapstick stunts attempted by yours truly. ("They said it was OK to jump on the mattresses," James said).

At the party, Stephen Horne downplayed his upcoming performances. He told me he was a bit nervous about his upcoming performances, because none of the features he's accompanying, "Rotaie," "The Woman Disputed" and "The "Strong Man," lend themselves to the bold, bravura performances that have accompanied films like "Jujiro." "It's more like what I do back at home" (England), he said. "I hope people aren't expecting me to do it because it wouldn't be right for the films."

Of course, after all that, he completely killed in his performance of "Rotaie" the next evening. Horne has the ability to bring out the best in a film, to distill all its emotional twists and turns and help it float along with the audience. Playing flute, accordion and piano (sometimes simultaneously), he created an utterly unique soundscape. The film itself is a beautifully photographed expressionistic fable by Mario Camerini, about a poor, desperate couple in search of an escape from its problems. Camerini is largely known for his routine, unchallenging work throughout Italy's fascist regime, but in this film he's clearly inspired, injecting desperate foreboding into every shot and studying the divide between the classes.

The print came from an archive in Milan that doesn't lend it out very often. As with so many of the SFSFF selections, we were lucky to see it.

SFSFF Celebrates 15 Years of Kicking Ass (Silently—gotta include a 'silent' joke)

2010-07-15T16:29:00.007-06:00

The 15th Annual San Francisco Silent Film Festival opens tonight, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world. There are plenty of great film festivals film that provide the rush of new discoveries, and there are other archival festivals that show rarer films than those on display this weekend. But there's something simply magical about watching a pristine print on the giant screen of the Castro Theatre, the city's gorgeous 1922 movie palace, with great live music (orchestral, organ, piano, etc.). The festival has left me with many great memories—the emotional rush of "The Man Who Laughs," Stephen Horne's gut-wrenching, draining score to "Jujiro," The sustained laugher of "Steamboat Bill, Jr.," accompanied by The Alloy Orchestra.

I first attended the festival in 2000, when it was a one-day event. And while I haven't made it every year since, I've happily monitored its growth, which has been remarkable. It's nearly quadrupled in duration, opening on a Thursday night and running through Sunday. There's a mini WInter festival now, too.

Both Horne and Alloy will be back this year. The Alloy Orchestra will debut the extended version of its "Metropolis" score (the band's first, although when they formed the movie was an hour shorter) to fit the newly restored version of Fritz Lang's masterpiece. Sadly "Metropolis" is the only film being projected digitally—thanks Kino. Alloy will perform its legendary accompaniment to Dziga Vertov's playful experimental classic "Man With a Movie Camera." Horne will take on "Rotaie," an expressionistic Italian film that will surely play to his strengths, as well as Frank Capra's "The Strong Man," starring Harry Langdon.

"The Strong Man" will also feature a tribute to Kevin Brownlow, a great writer, preservationist, documentarian and all-around advocate of cinema. Any award you can think to give him, he deserves.

Check out this preview by Brian Darr, the king of San Francisco movie-going. (His Twitter feed alone fills me with envy over San Francisco's reportory film scene. I ought to move!)

SDP 27: Aged Like a Fine Wine

2010-07-07T00:40:00.003-06:00

We're so thoughtful at The Same Dame Podcast. We could have released Episode 27 several months ago, back when we recorded it. But we know there's a Great Depression reboot going on, and funds are tight. So now that all the films we reviewed ("Kick Ass," "Date Night," "A Prophet" and "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo") will be on DVD soon, it seems like a good time to post this episode. You're welcome!

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

The Cinema World Cup: England vs. Germany

2010-06-27T17:13:00.022-06:00

England and Germany have announced their lineup for today's Cinema World Cup knockout round.

England
-----------------------Chaplin-----------------------
-----------Lester----Hitchcock----Reed-----------
-----------------Kubrick-----Lean-------------------
Richardson---------Frears----Leigh---------Powell
---------------------Brownlow--------------------

Bench: Crichton, Schlesinger, Park, R.W. Paul, L. Anderson, Gilliam, Boorman, Mackendrick, Ivory, Mitchell, Kenyon, Loach.

EMERGENCY UPDATE: Reserved yet devastating defensive midfielder Kubrick returns from injury! Powell drifts out wide as a defensive wing, Crichton sits, and Guy Ritchie no longer gets his WTF spot on the squad. The following text was written before knowledge of Kubrick's availability.

Not all of England's best have been represented, and many question the inclusion of the likes of forward Guy Ritchie while superior players like Paul Greengrass were left off. While Ritchie is certainly a weak overall player, his backers say that his audacious attacking play could prove pivotal if England go down and need a sub to add an unpredictable spark to the game. Also in question is the decision to play Chaplin as a lone striker. While he has an enviable five-man midfield behind him, many wonder if The Great Tramptator's ego and tendancy for theatrics will sink the team.

Germany
---------Herzog----------Lang-------------
----------------Max Ophüls-----------------
--Fassbinder-----------------Lubitsch----
-----------------Wertmuller------------------
Wenders-----Sirk----Pabst-----Murnau
----------------Riefenstahl------------------

Bench: Tykwer, Leni, Petzold, Ruttman, Schlöndorff, Ulmer, Wiene, Straub, Petersen, Reiniger, Fischinger, Veidt.

Germany would certainly welcome the clever playmaking of Austrian-born filmmaker Billy Wilder, who chose to play for his second adopted country instead. And despite his work in Germany, Austrian-American Josef Von Sternberg also capped for the USA. This is particularly unfortunate for Germany when you consider that England has two American-born players in its squad. Luckily, Germany have a formidable defense, with wingers Wenders and Murnau always ready to push up and help create chances. If they leave too much space, the last line of defense is goalkeeper Leni Riefenstahl, who's known to sacrifice herself and her future for the good of the team.

The Last Cliffhanger: The End of LOST, Part I

2010-05-20T15:38:00.002-06:00

Tuesday was the last day we will ever watch an episode of "LOST" and scream, "Holy shit, I can't wait for the next one!" ABC airs the final episode of "LOST" on Sunday and, barring an unexpected twist that there's a seventh season, that will be all Darlton wrote.

The art of the cliff-hanger ending involves suspense, audacity, mischief, mystery and, when you've mastered it as thoroughly as the "LOST" writers did, a giant question mark over what will happen next, how it will happen, how the story could even begin to sort itself out. Over its six seasons, "LOST" gave us some of the most enticing, brain-teasing, patience-testing conclusions in television history. Here are five of my favorite SHOW-ME-THE-NEXT-EPISODE-NOW "LOST" endings.
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Jack Running Plays with Team Others ("Par Avion")
One of the great charms of "LOST" is that the writers are clearly having fun as they create, then subvert our expectations. We're invested in the characters, yes, but we're also watching for the fun of the ride. Few endings left me chuckling like that of season three's "Par Avion," in which Kate's insistence on returning to the Others' barracks to rescue Jack yields an unexpected result. Peering through the trees, she sees the notoriously stubborn leader in a game of football with Tom (aka Mr. Friendly) and a host of other Others. If that weren't odd enough, Jack's smiling and laughing! How the hell did that happen?

Not on the Plane ("Raised by Another")
The crazy French lady in the jungle had told Sayid that there were others on the island, but we didn't know how much stock to put in it because, you know, she was crazy. Then Hurley got the bright idea to complete a census and run it against Sawyer's flight manifest so that everyone would know who everyone is. But it turns out that this Ethan Rom fellow wasn't on the plane. Meanwhile, Claire thinks she's gone into labor and Charlie sent Ethan to get bring Dr. Jack back and deliver the baby. But Ethan returns all by himself, looking super-creepy in the rain. The others are real, and—for the first but not last time—they've got some kidnapping to do.

A Man Named Henry Gale ("Lockdown")
Sayid is the ultimate bad-ass, and his bad-assedness reached its pinnacle in season two. Blaming the Others for the death of Shannon, among other things, he was none to trusting of the prisoner in the hatch who claimed he landed on the island in a hot air balloon. In the epic "Lockdown," the man we now know to be Ben Linus, portrayed by the great Michael Emerson, at last convinces Locke that he is a trustworthy fellow named Henry Gale. Until Sayid shows up and delivers this awesome monologue: "We did find your balloon, Henry Gale, exactly how you described it. We also found the grave you described—your wife's grave. The grave you said you dug with your own bare hands. It was all there. Your whole story, your alibi, it was true. But still I did not believe it to be true. So I dug up that grave and found that there was not a woman inside. There was a man—a man named Henry Gale."

Which Way Are We Flashing? ("Through the Looking Glass")
"LOST's" trademark flashbacks had started to grow stale by the third season. We'd already familiarized ourselves with the main characters' hang-ups, and, with no commitment from ABC to let the series end in a timely fashion, head writers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse were obviously in no hurry to move the story along. Certain episodes were repetitive and the revelatory air had leaked out of the flashback's tires. Some people even suggested that the clumsily shot, scattered "Heroes" was going to surpass "LOST" in the hierarchy of serialized TV. But boy, did the end of the season prove them wrong. While "Heroes" meandered into a painfully routine ending that was only surprising for its lack of surprises, "LOST" geared up for a thrilling story arc that ended with an enticing shocker. We watched Jack bumble around drunk, bearded and thoroughly depressed in what we assumed was a flashback, even if his cell phone was suspiciously small. But holy shit! he's talking to Kate. They made it off the island? How? They have to go back? What? Hot damn.

The Fucking Nuclear Bomb Detonates ("The Incident")
Seriously, folks. No TV series has come closing to ending a season in as ballsy a manner the penultimate season of LOST concluded. Jack and company tried to execute Daniel Faraday's plan to erase their misery by detonating a nuclear bomb down the hatch in 1977, but darn, the bomb didn't go off and instead everyone was barraged with flying metal and general electromagnetic chaos, and Juliet fell to her doom. But wait, she's still alive down there, and she's gonna make that fucking bomb detonate if it's the last thing she does (and what are the odds it wouldn't be?). BOOM. Whiteness. Yes, the end logo is black-on-white instead of white-on-black. Could anything be wilder than that? Add in the episode's earlier revelation that long-living, now-dead Jacob visited several of our characters in the past and touched them in all the right places, and we've got to wonder what that touch did. Will time change, but they'll remember what happened in this timeline? Will the bomb transport them out of 1977? Or will the next season not flash back or forward, but sideways? SIDEWAYS! That's just silly. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

What are your favorites? That's what the comment section is for. (Well, that and sex-enhancing pill scams.)

William Lubtchansky: 1937-2010

2010-05-05T21:37:00.013-06:00

William Lubtchansky looked through the lens of French cinema for four and a half decades. He died Tuesday, leaving a rich body of work that includes collaborations with such giants as Agnes Varda, Jean-Luc Godard, Jacques Rivette, Philippe Garrel and François Truffaut. Here are a few of his finest moments:

Garrel said this of he and Lubtchansky's sublime work in "Regular Lovers:"

William and I belong to the same generation, as does my editor, Françoise Collin. This film truly is a generational movie. We all identified strongly with this story. So we decided to exchange ideas often. And since we all have definitely reached the second half of our working lives, it depended very much on who was most awake at a given morning, and who liked to direct things. At our age we tend to group together more easily than we used to do. So in the film there are camera positions that are typically mine, and other framings that are more characteristic of William. We worked together like musicians, really: we had dialogues, like a jazz band that keeps improvising on what had been written. Whoever felt like playing, played first.

(From top to bottom: "Shoah," "Va Savoir," "The Creatures," "Nouvelle Vague," "Regular Lovers")
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SDP 26: Reboot Jeremy's Recently Released Kraken!

2010-05-05T13:55:00.002-06:00

Episode 26 of The Same Dame Podcast (recorded 4/06/10) contains more movie reviews than we knew what to do with. "How to Train Your Dragon," "Greenberg," "Chloe," "Mother," "Green Zone," "Hot Tub Time Machine" and more. Plus, when did Hollywood start rebooting every franchise a couple years after its last movie? What the hell is going on?

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

George Lucas jizzed himself when he saw this commercial

2010-04-14T12:10:00.001-06:00

Satire is a tricky beast. Brilliant satire is often misunderstood - sometimes (and certainly in this case) even by its own proprietor.

Case in point: the following 103 seconds of magnificence, which plays like the perfect argument against 3D. Pity no one told Samsung. I'm not sure whether to react with jeering mockery or sad disgust. Barthes would love this.

The Top Ten List That Time Forgot: Chris Bellamy's 2009 Retrospective

2010-03-25T14:43:00.014-06:00

I know, I know – we’re already 25 percent of the way into 2010! What the fuck, Bellamy? Well, unlike my esteemed colleague Mr. Mathews, who rushed right into naming his top films of the year in late February, I naturally felt that all these films needed to breathe a bit, needed to be absorbed into history, before I jotted them down on a list. Surely you must believe this had nothing whatsoever to do with procrastination or forgetfulness. Of course not! And so without further ado, the definitive, time-tested best films of 2009 (and hey, at least Jeremy got the top movie right):

1. You, the Living (Du Levande)
Directed by Roy Andersson

Allow me, if you will, to have my Geoffrey Gilmore moment. Picture me up on a stage, spotlight shining in my eyes, as I flex my masturbatory jowls. To begin: Once in a great while, something magical happens; a filmmaker comes along who ... well, who makes a film like “You, the Living.” A movie like this forces us to scoff at all those times, at one film festival or another, that we heard the typical bombast about someone’s “unique artistic voice.” In Andersson’s case, such a quality is self-evident. This, his second masterpiece of the decade following “Songs from the Second Floor,” explores the hilarity of grief and despair and the beauty of impending doom in a breathtaking style all his own. In its surreal, absurdist way, it somehow – amazingly, really – cuts to the anxieties of the human race. Fearful, desperate, self-absorbed, ruthless, fatalistic but, yes, even hopeful – and nothing if not profoundly human. In Andersson’s tragicomic vision of humanity, life can be the funniest thing you ever saw or the saddest thing you ever heard, even at the same time.

2. Inglourious Basterds
Directed by Quentin Tarantino

When Quentin Tarantino takes on World War II, he re-writes the rules for how to do a World War II movie. And when Quentin Tarantino re-writes the rules for World War II movies, that just might mean he re-writes World War II as a whole. Which is exactly what he did with “Inglourious Basterds,” an exhilarating genre cocktail about a charmingly sadistic S.S. sleuth, a band of gleefully unapologetic Nazi hunters, a German war hero, a vengeful Jewish gal and the grandest, most explosive movie premiere of all-time. It is virtuoso filmmaking at its funniest, ballsiest, most suspenseful and most playful. The man is a savant, and “Basterds” features some of the best filmmaking of his – or anyone’s – career. (And a landmark performance by Christoph Waltz doesn’t hurt, either.)

3. A Serious Man
Directed by Joel and Ethan Coen

If Kafka wrote the Book of Job, it might resemble something like “A Serious Man,” the Coen Brothers’ absurdist, allegorical masterpiece about one decent man trying to make sense of a world that has seemingly forsaken him. Imbued with the Coens’ pitch-perfect style and trademark wit, this is one of the finest films they’ve ever made – which is saying something. Do actions have consequences, as Larry (Michael Stuhlbarg) insists? Or, for that matter, inaction? Like Josef K., Larry – a collegiate physics professor – has seemingly done nothing, but everything seems to be going wrong for him, and neither family, clergy nor the passively sinister “serious man” Sy Abelman (“Let’s have a good talk”) can make sense of it. Then again, maybe the answer has been staring Larry right in the face all along: the uncertainty principle, proving that we can never really know what’s going on. Accept the mystery.

4. Fantastic Mr. Fox
Directed by Wes Anderson

When a idiosyncratic, intensely personal film-geek darling like Wes Anderson suddenly decides to take the plunge into animation – old-fashioned stop motion, no less – and adapt a children’s book, we certainly stand up and take notice. But that doesn’t mean we expect a film quite as charming and perfect as “Fantastic Mr. Fox,” which oddly enough may be his best work yet. Then again, his films have always had a storybook quality, so maybe it makes perfect sense after all. Anchored by a gorgeous and distinctive visual style (including the finest production design of 2009), the film makes a clever hybrid of heist movie, domestic comedy and Western, and Anderson ‘s palette doesn’t waste a single frame. The cinematic vocabulary he displays here (and challenges himself with) is eye-popping. Oh, and the film is funny as hell, too. I didn’t stop smiling for a second.

5. The White Ribbon
Directed by Michael Haneke

Speaking of challenging expectations, Michael Haneke does just that with “The White Ribbon,” which (like his masterpiece “Cache”) confronts, questions and subverts his audience’s assumptions about a series of strange happenings in a pre-World War I German village - a series of happenings that may not be as clear-cut as we’re inclined to think. The graceful strokes with which Haneke builds his almost unbearably suspenseful tale make the film at once subtle and confrontational. The film is a penetrating allegory of the way societies behave; the way societies are built. With it, Haneke proves that no one can deconstruct the way movies function quite the same way he can.

6. Lorna’s Silence
Directed by Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne

Simply put, the Dardenne Brothers aren’t interested in the same characters we see in other movies, and good for them. Their films are richer for it. Their characters typically exist on the fringes, in the background of where we at the movies are usually looking. They’re usually navigating an impossible moral or ethical crisis that may or may not have a solution, or a right answer. Such is the case with the title character in “Lorna’s Silence,” a fascinating portrait of a young woman trying to gain Belgian citizenship, but getting herself into a situation far more emotionally complicated than she could have expected. What is so beautiful about this and other Dardenne protagonists is that they constantly surprise us with their behavior, their emotions, their reactions; they constantly surprise themselves, and, we might assume, might even surprise the Dardennes, too.

7. Up
Directed by Pete Docter

All you need to know about the level of filmmaking that exists at Pixar is in a three-minute montage early in their latest classic, “Up.” In fact, all you need to know about a lot of things is captured in there. Tracking the entire arc of one couple’s lifetime together, it is a magnificently dense, poetic piece of filmmaking in and of itself. (During this sequence, the film geek in us can't help but be reminded of the visual language of great silent cinema and the style of Woody Allen.) If the entire rest of the movie had stunk, “Up” still would have been worth seeing just for those three minutes. Thankfully, the rest of the movie doesn’t stink – in fact, it’s tremendous fun, both a great adventure story and a great screwball-ish buddy comedy.

8. Goodbye Solo
Directed by Ramin Bahrani

A sublime portrait about two men at very different stages in life. There’s Solo (Souleymane Sy Savane, in the year’s best lead performance), the optimist who sees the very best of what life can be, the very best of what is possible in America. And then there’s William, who’s in a much darker place. While we never discover exactly why, what he’s seen out of life has taken him toward a very different path and a very different conclusion about the world. The uneasy relationship that forms in an otherwise innocuous cab ride is a rather brilliant balancing act, as writer-director Ramin Bahrani refuses to cheat; both characters are so true to their nature that the scenes between them – becoming closer in one scene, more distant in the next – have a certain quality that is almost heartbreaking in its honesty. And as if the rest of the film weren’t great enough already, the final sequence puts a stunning cap on it.

9. Where the Wild Things Are
Directed by Spike Jonze

Whaddya know? Of the ten best films of the year, two were based on children’s books and adapted by prominent indie directors. Go figure. See? “Children’s” movies don’t have to be dumbed-down after all! Spike Jonze certainly proves that with “Where the Wild Things Are,” one of the most honest films about childhood I’ve ever seen – primarily because it understands the complexity and inexplicability of childhood experience and refuses to simplify it to placate a certain audience. Instead, it expresses those complexities with a beautiful interpretation of a story most of us are so familiar with – not only from the book we read as kids, but from all the times when we were kids that we acted out and wanted to get away, even if we didn’t necessarily know why. There are a number of incredible sequences in “Where the Wild Things Are,” but my two favorite ones seem to encapsulate the film best – first, when Max tells a sad, piercing story about vampires to his mother (only mildly conscious of its subtext) while she secretly types it up for safekeeping; and a scene near the end, when Max leaves the island and shares a distant look with Carol (James Gandolfini) that says what words can’t. Now that’s a fucking kids’ movie.

10. The Brothers Bloom
Directed by Rian Johnson

The movie that I grew more and more love and admiration for the more I thought about it was Rian Johnson’s “The Brothers Bloom.” As much as I liked it when I first saw it, I had some issues. By the time I saw it again, those issues not only seemed less important, but in some cases all but disappeared. Johnson is one of the most exciting young filmmakers to come along in some time – mainly because what he does is actual fucking filmmaking. Here, he gets the absolute most detail and mileage out of every scene. Whether it’s the deliciously self-conscious introduction of Robbie Coltrane’s character, or Rachel Weisz’ wry explanation of how not to get conned (with the masterful depiction of a clever card trick), or a simple shot of a despondent Adrien Brody, rest assured Johnson will enliven it with humor, charm, beauty and anything and everything else that smacks of pure cinema.

HONORABLE MENTION

- “Sugar,” Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck’s wonderful and surprising portrait of a Dominican minor leaguer
- “35 Shots of Rum,” Claire Denis’ startlingly intimate character study, one of those films that makes you feel like you’re in the midst of family
- “In the Loop,” Armando Ianucci’s hysterically profane and biting satirical comedy about the bureaucracy and politics of politics
- “The Informant!,” Steven Soderbergh’s corporate spy comedy-cum-disturbing character study, bolstered by Matt Damon's brilliant performance
- “The Headless Woman,” Lucrecia Martel’s haunting, oblique story of a woman stuck in a surreal, post-accident blur, featuring the best pre-credit sequence of the year
- “Police, Adjective,” Corneliu Porumboiu’s dryly absurdist take on life’s grey areas, and the black-and-white thinking inflicted upon them
- “The Hurt Locker,” Kathryn Bigelow’s stunningly visceral depiction of bomb defusers in Iraq
- “Hunger,” Steve McQueen’s (not that one!) fascinatingly multi-faceted film centering on famed Irish hunger striker Bobby Sands
- “Sita Sings the Blues,” Nina Paley’s impressive animated feature about an old folk tale and the differing ways we interpret stories and history
- “The Class,” Laurent Cantet’s verite-style drama about classroom politics in inner-city Paris
- “Moon,” Duncan Jones’ striking and ambitious sci-fi drama, featuring a fantastic Sam Rockwell in a devastating portrait of a man who comes face to face with his own irrelevance
- “An Education,” Lone Scherfig’s loving and complex story of a teenage girl (Carey Mulligan in an Oscar-worthy performance) learning the hard way
- “Star Trek,” J.J. Abrams’ reboot that – well, let’s skip with the formal pleasantries, shall we? – just flat out kicks ass
- “Summer Hours,” Olivier Assayas’ poetic study of childhood memories and family legacies
- “Bright Star,” Jane Campion’s return to form, the beautifully depicted coming-of-age of Fanny Brawne and her relationship with John Keats
- “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,” David Yates’ delicate balancing act between the comedy of teenage emotion and the spectre of impending doom

ALSO WORTH CHECKING OUT: “Il divo,” “Tyson,” “Thirst,” “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus,” “Still Walking,” “District 9,” “Knowing,” “Mary and Max,” “Brüno,” “A Perfect Getaway,” “The Hangover,” “Funny People,” “Adventureland,” “Drag Me to Hell,” “Just Another Love Story,” “Crazy Heart,” “Up in the Air,” “Black Dynamite,” “Anvil! The Story of Anvil,” “Capitalism: A Love Story,” “Food, Inc.,” “Che,” “Revanche,” “Tulpan,” “Sin Nombre,” “Coraline,” “Gomorrah,” “Ponyo,” “Broken Embraces,” “Me and Orson Welles,” “Humpday,” “State of Play,” “Whatever Works,” “Brief Interviews With Hideous Men” and 50 percent of “Away We Go.”

AND THE WORST...

1. The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Chris Weitz)
2. Nine (Rob Marshall)
3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Michael Bay)
4. Year One (Harold Ramis)
5. Death in Love (Boaz Yakin)
6. Angels & Demons (Ron Howard)
7. The Informers (Gregor Jordan)
8. The Merry Gentleman (Michael Keaton)
9. Tetro (Francis Ford Coppola)
10. Surrogates (Jonathan Mostow)

HONORABLE MENTION: The OTHER 50 percent of “Away We Go.”

DISQUALIFIED: The dozen or so blatantly terrible horror movies (mostly remakes) that all blended together in my memory. Fuck you, Rob Zombie.

MISCELLANEOUS AND RANDOM

- Two movies that dressed up like a “Taxi Driver” pastiche but didn’t have the fucking balls to follow through: “Observe and Report” and “Big Fan”

- Penis of the Year: Ken Jeong in “The Hangover” (Sorry, Dr. Manhattan)

- Clitoris of the Year: Charlotte Gainsbourg in “Antichrist”

- The biggest collection of gaping plot holes and flaws, within a single movie, in the history of gaping plot holes: “Terminator Salvation”

- The most insufferably whiny main character ever written by a once-prominent filmmaker: Vincent Gallo in “Tetro”

- The David Mamet on Steroids Award: Peter Capaldi as Malcolm Tucker in “In the Loop”

And finally...

THE PERFORMANCES OF THE YEAR

Lead Actor

1. Souleymane Sy Savane, “Goodbye Solo”
2. Matt Damon, “The Informant!”
3. Algenis Perez Soto, “Sugar”
4. Sam Rockwell, “Moon”
t5. Michael Stuhlbarg, “A Serious Man”
t5. Jeff Bridges, “Crazy Heart”

Lead Actress

1. Maya Rudolph, “Away We Go”
2. Arta Dobroshi, “Lorna’s Silence”
3. Carey Mulligan, “An Education”
4. Maria Onetto, “The Headless Woman”
5. Gabourey Sidibe, “Precious”

Supporting Actor

1. Christoph Waltz, “Inglourious Basterds”
2. Zach Galifianakis, “The Hangover”
3. Tom Waits, “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus”
4. Fred Melamed, “A Serious Man”
t5. Peter Capaldi and Tom Hollander, “In the Loop”
t5. Timothy Olyphant, “A Perfect Getaway”

Supporting Actress

1. Rachel Weisz, “The Brothers Bloom”
2. Melanie Laurent, “Inglourious Basterds”
3. Maggie Gyllenhaal, “Crazy Heart”
4. Ok-bin Kim, “Thirst”
5. Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air”

SDP 25: Twildo! And No More Oscars*!

2010-03-17T04:47:00.003-06:00

Episode 25 is the last episode of The Same Dame Podcast that will include Oscar discussion for…oh, about a year. Recorded 3/11/10, the episode covers the most rushed Oscarcast ever, the three most important releases from the early year and a certain sex toy inspired by Chris's most beloved book and movie franchise.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

2009 Ends Tonight: Live-Blogging the Academy Awards

2010-03-07T18:16:00.172-07:00

It's that special time again, to let the Oscars bore, surprise and/or entertain us. Jeremy Mathews, Chris Bellamy and Jessica Mathews are here to tell you what to think of what you're watching while you're watching it. Producer Adam Shankman promises that this will be a fast, entertaining ceremony with Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin as hosts. Let's see if he keeps that promise…

6:13 - Jeremy: Settled at my party and trying to decide whether I should stick with my original Cinematography and Live-Action Short picks.

6:18 - Chris: So apparently there's going to be some big surprise at the beginning of the show. I get this information from the fine journalist Ryan Seacrest.

6:20 - Chris: Shit yeah, Tina Fey!

6:24 - Jeremy: For the (non-gambling, of course) pool, I think I'm changing my cinematography prediction from Robert Richardson to Barry Ackroyd. Tempted to go for "Instead of Abracadabra" instead of "The Door" as well.

6:25 - Chris: Wait a sec. Did Sherri Shepherd really just say the Lautner kid was the most famous werewolf in motion picture history?

6:30 - Chris: See? This is the "American Idol"-style competition I was talking about.

6:31 - Jeremy: What the fuck is going on?

6:32 - Chris: Did the orchestra just screw up?

6:33 - Jeremy: Usually they light the audience reaction shots. I think I'm going "Abracadabra" on live-action short.

6:33 - Chris: uh-oh, James Cameron's pissed. NPH just made fun of his CGI.
Jeremy: He just stormed out of the Kodak.

6:34 - Jeremy: They want me to eat a salad with chopsticks here at the party. Not an easy task while live-blogging.

6:34 - Chris: This is a better number than Hugh's last year. Wow, it's almost like a great big gold crescent moon. If only Sean Penn were here...

6:36 - Chris: "Steve Martin is being a rude little pig!" says Baldwin.

6:37 - Jeremy: Martin and Baldwin funny so far. "That damn Helen Mirren."

6:38 - Chris: Yes, Baldwin and Martin are doing quite well. Great CAA joke.

6:40 - Jeremy: Nice—Baldwin looking at Cameron through 3D glasses.

6:40 - James Cameron: Do those 3D glasses make my huge cock look bigger?

6:42 - Jeremy: I'm liking the Hope-Crosby vibe these two have going.

6:43 - Chris: Jeez, these guys are killing it. It's already better than last year's show.

6:43 - Jessica: It's just like one big family at the Oscars.
Jeremy: There you are!

6:44 - Jeremy: Be Italian!

6:44 -Chris: The Oscars are being pretty fuckin' Italian right now.

6:45 - Jessica: No roundtable actor kiss-ass this year, a step in the right direction.

6:45 - Chris: Hey, what a novel idea. Clips of movies! Movies that were nominated! What a novel concept!

6:46 - Chris: Still, though, Adrien Brody googled all these clips for the Academy. That was his job this year.

6:47 - Jeremy: (Stanley Tucci clip) I think that dude's a rapist.

6:48 - Jessica: Very long clips, you guys should be happy. If only they didn't give away entire movie. I guess if you haven't seen it's too late.

6:49 - Chris: Fuckin' A, Christoph Waltz.

6:50 - Jeremy: Intro to "The Blind Side" montage: "It's a true story." Hence the authentic art-direction of a crackhead woman's handsomely decorated home.

6:51 - Jeremy: Are they doing the nominees from worst to best?

6:51 - Chris: "You're changin' that boy's life!" "Nope, he's changin' mine." What great dialogue!

6:52 - Jessica: I now feel confident in my decision not to see "The Blind Side."

6:53 - Jessica: They didn't even show the best clip from the ad: "We want you to be part of our family" - "I thought I already was."

6:57 - Chris: Wow. A certain teleprompter operator is getting fired tonight.

6:58 - Jeremy: Nice to see Mr. Fox. "Hey, these are all cartoons!"

6:59 - Jeremy: Nice and funny into for animated feature, and a shocker of a winner!

6:59 - Jessica: I think clips from the real movie would be better except that I did like seeing the "Up" one.

7:01 - Chris: Star of Jeremy's most anticipated movie of 2010, "Dear John Letters to Juliet!"

7:01 - Jeremy: No songs = LAME-O.

7:02 - Jeremy: Ebert just asked on Twitter whether this means "Up" will win Best Picture and get a twofer. Uh…

7:03 - Chris: "Almost There" was my favorite number of Princess and the Frog, visually, but not my favorite of the songs.

7:04 - Jeremy: The song Chris thinks is called "Crazy Heart" wins! Three awards, three shockers.

7:05 - Chris: Jeez, Ebert. Yeah that's right - Best Animated Feature is always a harbinger for Best Picture.

7:05 - Jeremy: You have one second to give your speech. And…TIME'S UP!

7:05 - Jessica: Was that guy a time traveling James Cameron?

7:06 - Jeremy: They just said Tina Fey. Chris just creamed himself.

7:06 - Jessica: I miss the live songs, but I guess no songs is better than Beyonce singing them.

7:11 - Chris: Don't blame Beyonce, Jessica. It's not her fault! They made her do it!

7:12 - Jeremy: In case there was any doubt, Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr. are awesome.

7:12 - Jessica: This is a good intro.

7:13 - Chris: Uh-oh, James Cameron is about to whip his penis out and storm out of the Kodak. They made CGI jokes.
Come on Quentin, come on Quentin

7:15 - Jeremy: Jesus, "The Hurt Locker?" Come on! That was the fourth-best screenplay nominated.

7:16 - Chris: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

7:16 - Jeremy: Reitman already looks pissed, I guess because he wasn't nominated for Original Screenplay?

7:16 - Chris: What the fuck? Nothing against Mark Boal, but QT's script kicked his script's ass. Quentin seemed surprised.

7:18 - Jessica: Wow, they framed James Cameron behind catherine Bigelow, that's going to come in handy later.

7:20 - Jeremy: There are some John Hughes films that don't necessarily need clips.

7:21 - Jeremy: They got the band back together!

7:22 - Jessica: Good tribute.

7:22 - Chris: Well, that was a nice tribute, at least. Even if plenty of other people deserved separate memorials if Hughes gets one…

7:23 - Jeremy: Macaulay Culkin is like Peter Pan.

7:24 - Jessica: Those twilight kids just don't understand.

7:24 - Chris: ("Up" montage starts) Can't they just show the entire Married Life montage? I mean, no one's here with me at my apartment to see me cry, so I'm safe.

7:27 - Jeremy: Mulligan!!!!

7:27 - Chris: Oh god. If they show Zoe Saldana too much more, I'm not going to be able to make it. I'm just going to pass out.

7:29 - Jeremy: Hey, they're actually talking about short filmmaking instead of just rushing the winners on and off!

7:30 - Chris: Pretty cool that they're giving a little bit of time and attention.

7:31 - Chris: Whoa, Jason Reitman smiled! (Kinda.) Does he think Up in the Air is nominated for short film?

7:32 - Jeremy: HOLY SHIT! "Logorama?" No way I thought that was Academy material.

7:32 - Chris: Ouch. Well, Nick Park must be surprised.

7:33 - Jeremy: Well, after that, I hope my last minute live-action change proves correct.

7:33 - Jessica: Damn me for following your predictions on that one.

7:34 - Chris: Jeez. Surprises all around for the shorts. Did they save all the surprises for the categories no one cares about?

7:35 - Chris: Whoa, what the hell just happened. Did that bitch just pull a Kanye?

7:35 - Jessica: Another failure, I should find a better source for these shorts

7:35 - Jeremy: No one was predicting any of these.

7:36 - Jeremy: BOOOOO! "The New Tenants" wins Best Live-Action Short. Worst nominated movie! What the fuck?

7:37 - Chris: What the hell? By FAR the worst of the dramatic shorts.

7:38 - Chris: Awww, the poor little old dwarf wasn't allowed to talk.

7:38 - Chris: Ben Stiller comes on in full Avatar make-up. Well well well. Is this in protest for not allowing the Sasha Baron Cohen sketch?

7:39 - Chris: James Cameron is getting less amused by the second.

7:41 - Chris: "You can't make fun of my movie! It's the most popular movie in the world!!"

7:41 - Chris: Yeah! A correct prediction!

7:43 - Jeremy: Bridges introducing the Coen film—how lovely and appropriate.

7:44 - Chris: They better not show the ending in this montage.

7:44 - Chris: Is Joel not here tonight? I've only seen Ethan.
Jeremy: I dunno. Probably wouldn't be worth the effort to come if he had a conflict.

7:48 - Jessica: Well there goes my shot at the Oscar pool.

7:48 - Jeremy: Wait, "Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire" was adapted? Let's see Reitman and Turner fight!

7:48 - Chris: They're showing the fried chicken scene? Really?

7:50 - Jeremy: "Precious" upsets for Best Adapted Screenplay. Wow, I'm sucking it up.

7:50 - Chris: Cut to Jason Reitman looking pissed.

7:51 - Jessica: Jeez, this guy is sure making me feel guilty for not wanting him to win.

7:52 - Chris: Look at poor Reitman - now he knows his movie isn't getting anything.

7:53 - Chris: Shit yeah, Gordon Willis! Lauren Bacall rules. Still funny as hell.

7:54 - Chris: Hey Robin Williams! And he just made an appearance in our Oscar preview. He must be out of material!

7:56 - Chris: BOOOOO Nine!

7:56 - Jeremy: Any chance of a Sidibe upset after Best Adapted Screenplay?

7:58 - Chris: Yes, there's definitely a chance for that. In fact, that's the way I'm leaning right now.

7:58 - Jeremy: Go More Nique! Throw some shit!

7:59 - Jeremy: The Academy sticks to the script for Scariest Performance.

8:00 - Jeremy: "Thanks for making this about the performance instead of politics." In other words, "Fuuuuuuck you!"

8:00 - Chris: (Hattie McDaniel kicked more ass in her role, btw.)

8:02 - Jeremy: "We?" "You people?" They're talking about JEWS!!!

8:03 - Chris: Wow, a salute to horror films coming up? So the Academy can ignore virtually all of them except for "The Exorcist" and now they'll "honor" them?

8:03 - Jeremy: My non-super-movie-geek friend Nick just realized that "9," wasn't nominated for anything, and "Nine" is an entirely different movie.

8:07 - Jeremy: "Avatar" wins Art Direction. for bringing your '70s fantasy posters to life.

8:08 - Chris: Is that Tom Ford or David Paterson? Shit yeah Tom Waits!

8:10 - Chris: Sandy Powell wins for "The Young Victoria," Well you got that one, my good man - it was one ["Coco Before Chanel"] or the other.

8:10 - Jeremy: If I weren't doing so horribly, I'd gloat over beating Chris here.

8:11 - Jeremy: I was about to call Powell a bitch for bragging that "I already have two of these?" But then I realized she's pointing out that modern stuff never wins, only historic costume dramas, and that other films require costume design as well. So props.

8:11 - Chris: Wow, Sandy Powell says what we're all thinking. Right on, Sandy!

8:11 - Jessica: I finally picked most obvivous costume drama and was rewarded. I guess at least Powell acknowledge the oscars for costume design over look a lot of things.

8:12 - Chris: Uh, "Precious" was nominated for more than 4 Oscars, Charlize. What, did Adrien Brody google that for you?

8:18 - Jeremy: Whenever I get a prediction wrong, I'm gonna use Chris's excuse that it was either my prediction or the winner.

8:19 - Chris: "Twilight" shouldn't get recognized in any way, not even with presenters.

8:20 - Chris: Show Nosferatu fo god's sake. You've shown Saw, of all things!

8:21 - Chris: Shit yeah "Rosemary's Baby!"

8:21 - Chris: Finally on "Nosferatu."

8:22 - Chris: What the fuck? They just had "Twilight" in the horror movie tribute? Do they mean "horribly bad?"

8:23 - Jeremy: Great. I was finally gonna get around to watching "Rosemary's Baby" tomorrow, and now it's spoiled.

8:23 - Jessica: For a while I thought they were going to only show good horror movies.

8:23 - Jessica: Fucking "Silence of the Lambs" won best picture! Hello, do not include in montage if you claim horror hasn't been honored since "The Exorcist."

8:27 - Chris: Yeah Jess, good point. They JUST said the category hadn't gotten any awards since The Exoricist, only forgetting one of the most famous and popular BP winners ever. Stop talking, Paul!

8:28 - Jessica: Allowing myself to dream hurt locker could win Best Picture.

8:30 - Jessica: Techincal oscars are a plaque with a picture of an Oscar?

8:30 - Jeremy: My prediction count is at 7 at the moment, I believe. I've already missed more than I miss total each year, and I'm almost sure to lose Best Actress.

8:32 - Chris: You're also going to lose Best Foreign Film. Get your potato-sucking lips all puckered up, friend.

8:33 - Jeremy: We'll see. It would've been your prediction too, if I hadn't bullied you out of it. But congrats on getting them all correct so far—oh wait, nevermind.

8:36 - Chris: No cinematography clips? Ouch.

8:36 - Jess: No clips for cinematography, yeah that makes sense.

8:37 - Jeremy: Why would they show clips of CINEMATOGRAPHY!!!?! And it goes to "Avatar," the least worthy nominee. Hey, so much for "The Hurt Locker" sweep the two Sound awards and Screenplay suggested.

8:37 - Chris: Fuck "Avatar."

8:38 - Jeremy: These people weren't important enough to have their own memorial, like John Hughes.

8:38 - Chris: I sure hope multiple Asian people didn't die this year - the Academy won't be able to tell them apart!

8:39 - Chris: "Yeah Nights of Cabiria" and "La Dolce Vita!" Or was it "La Strada?" I turned my head.

8:46 - Jessica: Congrats to producers for not cutting away from the montage until almost the end.

8:47 - Chris: [Best Score introduction.] Well, the Oscar broadcast just hit a screeching halt.

8:48 - Jeremy: I like that they're playing the scores—but why do this and no Original songs? Not sure what is up with the choreography. Did they think they were dancing to hip-hop?

8:48 - Chris: Does one of the producers have a sibling who has a modern dance troupe? What other explanation could there be for this decision? No cinematography clips, but THIS??!!?!

8:48 - Jessica: Now this is going to make people watch the Oscars. Some scores weren't meant to be danced to.

8:49 - From Joe Beatty: This doesn't even look choreographed.

8:51 - Jeremy: My friend Nick: "Well, it would have been embarrassing to show clips of cinematography and then have 'Avatar' win."

8:52 - Chris: Nice pronunciation, J-Lo.

8:53 - Chris: Fuckin' A, Giacchino.

8:54 - Jessica: Hurray!

8:54 - Jeremy: A well-deserved win for Michael Giacchino for "Up." Also:
LOST

8:56 - Jeremy: Shock of the night, "Avatar" for Special Effects. In other news, the film is about learning to see the world in new ways.

8:54 - Jessica: Don't give whole movies away, my constructive criticism for next year.

9:00 - Jeremy: "happy town" promo: "Don't let the name fool you." Darn! I almost did!

9:02 - Chris: Hey, perfect timing! Best doc category, and I'm just about to start eating my dolphin-meat pizza! Monsanto dolphin-meat pizza!

9:05 - Jeremy: No, the director of "The Cove" can't speak!

9:05 - Chris: You know what would be powerful? Rick O'Barry jumping up on stage wearing a TV set shoving the bloody slaughter of dolphins in everyone's face! What a statement that would be.

9:06 - Jeremy: Boy, Tyler Perry is killing. Who let this bozo introduce editing? Or anything?

9:08 - Chris: Hmmm, editing. So is "THL" still the favorite? Certainly a good omen.

9:09 - Chris: Nothing says Oscar like Keanu Reeves.

9:09 - Jessica: Editing is pretty easy I guess, glad they didn't waste our time with clips.

9:10 - Jeremy: If you have to ask why Keanu Reeves was introducing "The Hurt Locker," well, you don't deserve to know.

9:11 - Chris: Yeah, editing doesn't need clips, either. As Jessica knows, editing usually takes only a few hours and doesn't require skill that can be demonstrated visually. All you really need to do is make the movie shorter

9:13 - Chris: Good point, Jer. So have you ever pointed your gun in the air and shouted 'AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!?'

9:15 - Jeremy: Best Foreign Language Film. I hope Chris will be happy about me bullying him into changing his prediction.

9:17 - Jeremy: Nope.

9:17 - Chris: No potato-sucking for Jeremy. Wait till next year!

9:19 - Jeremy: You know, "Avatar" kind of looks like a videogame.

9:22 - Chris: What the fuck? They just asked what was going to win BP - Avatar, The Blind Side or The Hurt Locker? OR, they said, is a surprise in store? Yeah, uh, I think The Blind Side would be a pretty huge fucking surprise.

9:24 - Chris: Best Actor is up. Oh god, not again.

9:27 - Chris: I can't believe they're doing this fucking retarded speech idea again.

9:27 - Jessica: I guess they chose people who know them instead of people who google them.

9:28 - Jeremy: Yeah, that's an improvement, I s'pose. Colin Firth looks kind of like Tim Robbins with his hand over his face. Robbins should have done him.

9:28 - Chris: Nah, I think Farrel should have done Firth. Come on, they're both named Colin F. I mean, that's a slam dunk.

9:29 - Jeremy: OK. Nice joke by Robbins.

9:31 - Jessica: Farrel wishes Jeremy Renner "Good luck." Good luck indeed.

9:32 - Jeremy: Gather, Kate, gather!

9:33 - Chris: Yeah, Lebowski! Standing O for ol' Jeffy. Nope, this wasn't a lock at all.

9:33 - Jeremy: It was a lock. Just not if ever there was one.

9:35 - Jeremy: Bridges is a real class act. The Dude abides.

9:38 - Jeremy: Everyone warmed up for a Best Actress shocker?

9:42 - Chris: Whoa! Whitaker is even more fierce and dangerous than he was as Idi Amin! Scary!!

9:42 - Jessica: Never thought "Hope Floats" would be mentioned at the Oscars.

9:43 - Chris: Yeah, I think Gabby's gonna pull the upset here.

9:44 - Chris: Are they going to keep ruining movies in this fucking ceremony?

9:45 - Jeremy: The moral of Sidibe's story, as told by Oprah? Skip school, kids!

9:48 - Jeremy: BOOOOORING!

9:48 - Chris: Dammit. Lame.

9:49 - Jeremy: Well at least Streep didn't in—Chris never would have let me hear the end of it. And Bullock becomes the first actress to win Best Actress Oscar and Worst Actress Razzie in the same year maybe?

9:52 - Chris: So, for Best Director of all things, they're letting Barbra Streisand present it? Did they fucking SEE Yentl or The Prince of Tides?

9:52 - Jeremy: As long as they've gone 81 years without honoring a woman or black man, why not go for an even 100?

9:54 - Jeremy: Hey look, Jason Reitman's dad likes him!

9:55 - Jeremy: Hey, There's no penis on that Best Director winner.

9:56 - Jeremy: Even Jason Reitman is happy.

9:58 - Jeremy: Best Picture and…whoa…Did Hanks just skip reading the nominees? "The Hurt Locker" wins.

9:59 - Chris: Well at least we got that one right. Even if they didn't remind us what the nominees were. Suck it James Cameron

9:59 - Jeremy: "It's 9:59, Tom. Just read the fucking winner!"

10:02 - Jeremy: Well, no surprises in the acting categories, but a few elsewhere. Plus "Avatar" failed to win very many, even if it did get cinematography. My last-minute changes were neither punished nor rewarded—because another film one in each section. D'oh!

10:05 - Chris: Nothing says 2010 Oscars like the score to Mary Poppins.

A Thousand Words for Every Inch of Oscar (and One to Grow On): 2009 Ruminations

2010-03-05T18:25:00.034-07:00

We know that you only just now finished last year's Oscar article, but we're afraid that a year has passed and it's time for another red carpet gala, another ceremony that disappoints in the ratings, and another installment of The Only Oscar Preview Longer Than The Oscars (TM).

So what can you expect this year? The ceremony's producer and esteemed auteur Adam Shankman has promised to shake things up and get through the evening at a lightning pace, cutting out the Original Song nominees, not letting hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin speak and replacing "In Memoriam" with a rousing rendition of the greatest song from the greatest film of the year, "Nine's" "Be Italian." Most importantly, watch out for "Up in the Air" co-writer and director Jason Reitman to look pissed off if he doesn't win. Or whenever "Avatar" is mentioned.

Anyhow, let's get rolling…

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Penelope Cruz, “Nine”
Vera Farmiga, “Up in the Air”
Maggie Gyllenhaal, “Crazy Heart”
Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air”
Mo’Nique, “Precious”

Wow, there's not even a contest for who screams the loudest or cries the hardest this year.

Jeremy says: Well, we're starting off with a real toughie here, if "toughie" means as dick-slappingly obvious as the plot of "Avatar." Yes, the winner will be the clear favorite, Mo'Nique.

The problem with Mo'Nique's performance isn't Mo'Nique, or her inter-capped, contracted name (which I believe means "more nique"). No sirs, it's the screenplay, which reduces her character to a one-note, cranked-up-to-11 belligerent nut for the bulk of the movie. Have a comment? Well in response she has some shit to throw at you, and abusive things to shout at you. Then at the end she gets one really powerful scene and nails the hell out of it. And that scene, my friends, will win her this Oscar.

None of her fellow nominees really have any momentum—nor could they jump high enough—to leap-frog her. Farmiga and Kendrick are both quite good in "Up in the Air," giving the film the personal touches it needed to shine through its contrivances.

Penelope Cruz, uh, looked sexy and seductive in "Nine." Did she do anything else? If you listened to our Oscar podcast, you know that I actually forgot she was in it—and I was doing her a favor.

Gyllenhaal helped Jeff Bridges elevate "Crazy Heart," but we'll have more to say about that in the Best Actor predictions. She offers the most complete performance of the nominees, creating a woman who is full of fears and doubts, but is won over by the charm and affection of a country music legend.

Prediction: Mo'Nique
Preference: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Chris says: Yeah, the thing about the inevitable Mo’Nique win is that it’s just another in a long line of performances that win for their bombast more than for anything else. And that’s nothing against bombast—we all love a bombastic performance, do we not? But great bombastic performances (and the written roles themselves) require finesse, and too often “Precious” leaves Mo’Nique twisting in the wind.

I will defend its cranked-up-to-11-ness to a small extent; Jeremy has complained (with some merit) that the character (and the movie) are unintentionally funny in their ridiculousness, when in fact some of that humor is definitely intentional. So at times I thought she was hilarious and was intending to be so.

Jeremy says: Oh, I get some of the humor is intentional. But when the screenplay inflicts another horrible tragedy on its characters simply because it's time for a dramatic beat, that's unintentionally funny. What? You're not done yet, and this isn't the screenplay category? Fine…

Chris says: Anyway, that doesn’t mean the role deserves to recognized with an Oscar, but what can I do about it?

Oh, I can complain?

Fine, then I’ll complain. I’ll complain that—aside from the fact that no one at any award show gave this movie any attention whatsoever—Rachel Weisz was passed over for her fantastic performance in “The Brothers Bloom.” Her character was a mass of neuroses and Weisz was able to not only balance them, but give the character an enigmatic quality that I can’t imagine the movie without. Her performance was a joy to watch. Then there’s the snub of Melanie Laurent, who provided the soul of “Inglourious Basterds” with a wicked combination of frailty and tenacity.

And I’d also like to throw in Ok-bin Kim in “Thirst” and Olivia Williams in “An Education.” But no matter who was nominated, seeing Gyllenhaal take home the prize would be a pleasure. Going into “Crazy Heart,” I’d heard almost exclusively about Bridges – but Gyllenhaal provides the perfect other half to the film’s character study in ways Jeremy has already described.

Prediction: Mo’Nique
Preference: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Matt Damon, “Invictus”
Woody Harrelson, “The Messenger”
Christopher Plummer, “The Last Station”
Stanley Tucci, “The Lovely Bones”
Christoph Waltz, “Inglourious Basterds”

We'd like personal explanations from every member of the Academy as to why Matt Damon's work in "The Informant!" wasn't nominated, but his work in "Invictus" was.

Academy Member No. 1: I haven’t even heard of “The Informant!”

Academy Member No. 2: Did he do an accent in that one? Because we fucking love accents.

Academy Member No. 3: ’Ello, guv’nah! Blimey! Hey guys, hey guys, did you see how I just did a British accent?

Academy Member No. 2: Hilarious!

Academy Member No. 4: Oh, be Italian, why don’t ya!

Academy Member No. 3: Eh! Bada-bing! I like-a to make-a the spaghetti sauce-a, eh? Hey, va fangul, eh?! Bada-boom.

Chris says: What is that English expression – if the shoe fits, you must wear it? Well, admittedly, the Oscar statuette isn’t something you can technically “wear” (Lady Gaga notwithstanding), but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t fit Christoph Waltz like a glove. In fact, I’ll take a cue from my old pal Kirk Cameron’s banana demonstration and prove intelligent design beyond a shadow of a doubt. See how the grooves and curves of the Oscar statuette fit perfectly into the indentations and creases in Waltz’s hand? That’s because the Oscar statue and Waltz’s exalted human body were created to fit together! It was divine providence! Gosh, this is fun. You can try it at home with any number of objects. Also works with: penis + hand, finger + ear, Dr. Pepper bottle + mouth, cucumber slice + eyes—and, of course, the old natural way, Cameron’s favorite, the banana!

Which he grasped just before beating Andrew Koenig to death with it.

Oh, but I kid. Such cruelty can only be reserved for Waltz’s Hans Landa, who is at least on par with Javier Bardem’s Anton Chigurh in the battle for greatest villain of the decade. (The entire cast of “Mamma Mia!” is running close behind.) But instead of a ridiculous shotgun, this baddie killed ’em with charm, with kindness, and, yes, with a little Joie de vivre. He is calculating, devilishly charming and absolutely black-hearted, and Waltz finesses every inflection with absolute precision. This category is a runaway. And hey, since the Academy refused to nominate Tarantino’s last great villains – David Carradine’s title character in “Kill Bill Vol. 2,” Kurt Russell’s Stuntman Mike in “Death Proof” – the recognition is long overdue.

Of course, to respond to our omniscient introductory narrator’s beef with the Academy’s Damon selection, let me just point out that Damon and Morgan Freeman singlehandedly ended racism in “Invictus.” What, one little nomination is too much? You try singlehandedly ending racism sometime!

I mean, since Waltz has the Oscar completely locked up, the Academy had no choice but to nominate four throw-ins. I mean, what else could explain the bone they threw to Christopher Plummer, who’d never before been nominated, for a movie that everyone who saw (which was almost no one) was lukewarm about? Logically, a far more deserving nominee would have been Plummer’s co-star from his other movie this year – the great Tom Waits in his delectable turn as the Devil in Terry Gilliam’s “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.” But don’t worry, he doesn’t mind – he’s got Being the World’s Greatest Musical Artist and Total Fucking Badass to fall back on.

What about the sinister, passive-aggressive brilliance of Fred Melamed in “A Serious Man”? And we at The Same Dame have been asking the Academy since June to consider Zach Galifianakis for “The Hangover,” and I’d throw in an even more unconventional suggestion – Timothy Olyphant in “A Perfect Getaway.” I mean, that dude was hard to kill. Stanley Tucci in “The Lovely Bones”? Kind of a pussy when it came right down to it.

And quite a silly performance, to boot.

Prediction: Christoph Waltz
Preference: Christoph Waltz

Jeremy says: Stanley Tucci? A silly pussy? Come on! I've never been so convinced that a man who's in a hurry to dump a big, heavy object somewhere would park his car as far as possible from where he needs to dump it. That takes ACTING, my man. ACTING!

In addition to the actors Chris mentioned, I would have also liked to see Malcolm Tucker smile when Waltz's name was announced. His bravado, foul-mouthed performance in "In the Loop" is a wildly funny journey into abusive authority.

If I needed to pick a second favorite out of the nominees, I'd have to go with Woody Harrelson, who kind of played the talkative Steve Buscemi to Ben Foster's tacit Peter Stormare. Except Foster's character isn't big, intimidating and insistent on eating pancakes. And "The Messenger" is about soldiers who inform people that their loved ones died at war, not kidnappers. And it's not as funny as "Fargo" either. What? Oh yeah, Steve Buscemi was in "The Messenger," wasn't he? Well, he certainly wasn't its Steve Buscemi. He was more like…I dunno…let's say Mike Yanagita. But anyway…Harrelson: nice work, lots of emotional undertones and psychological scars.

But Waltz gave the performance of the year in any category. The scheming, slimy, charming, deliberate, sadistic brute came out of nowhere and wowed everyone who saw "Basterds." Tarantino wrote him a great part, and he brought it to life in all its glory.

Prediction: Christoph Waltz
Preference: Christoph Waltz

Chris says: You know what that is, Jeremy?

Jeremy says: Tell me.

Chris says: That’s a bingo!

Best Achievement in Makeup
“Il divo” – Aldo Signoretti, Vittorio Sodano
“Star Trek” – Barney Burman, Mindy Hall, Joel Harlow
“The Young Victoria” – John Henry Gordon, Jenny Shircore

You, dear reader, are probably having the same reactions most Academy voters had while filling out their ballots: “What the fuck’s ‘Il divo?’” Well, we’ve actually seen it, and can confirm that it does have impressive makeup.

Jeremy says: I think this has to go to "Star Trek," no? I mean, the Romulans don't have weird, scaly things on their face in this version, but they do have badass tattoos. Both Spocks have pointy ears. What I'm getting at is that the film has the most noticeable makeup, and that generally counts in this category. Period makeup doesn't have the same pull as period art direction and period costumes, so "The Young Victoria" is out of luck.

Personally, I'm going to have to favor Aldo Signoretti and Vittorio Sodano, who earned their third and second nominations, respectively, for Paolo Sorrentino's "Il divo," a stylish biopic of Italian Prime Minister Giulio Andreotti. The film's makeup isn't just about portraying the characters at different ages—the skin tones enhance the atmosphere. The main thing working against the film: Nobody knows what it is.

Prediction: "Star Trek"
Preference: "Il divo"

Chris says: Come on, you’re gonna vote against the badass tattoos? Even after you went and got your own face tattooed just like Eric Bana’s after you saw “Star Trek”? OK, OK, I know—it was just magic marker. But still. You were still pretty obsessed. Me, I just had my girlfriend dress up like Uhura so I could pretend she was Zoe Saldana.

Hahahahaha, I’m just kidding, I don’t have a girlfriend.

(Netflix is my girlfriend.)

Moving on…

Prediction: “Star Trek”
Preference: “Star Trek”

Best Achievement in Costume Design
“Bright Star” – Janet Patterson
“Coco Before Chanel” – Catherine Leterrier
“The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” – Monique Prudhomme
“Nine” – Colleen Atwood
“The Young Victoria” – Sandy Powell

There'll be smooth sailin' 'cause I'm trimmin' my sails
In my top hat and my white tie and my tails

Now there was an easy movie to design costumes for—they just copied off the lyrics. But the sailing wasn't so smooth for these nominees, who had to rely on hard work and a bunch of books with pictures of old clothes in them.

Chris says: It seems like every year, when we get to Costume Design, we sit here and just whine about how yet another dainty costume drama is going to take home the gold just because the Academy reserves this award exclusively for dainty costume dramas. It’s gotten to be a stale act, to be honest, but what else can we say? Look at that list of nominees. Four fucking period pieces, two fucking costume dramas – both of which were forgotten almost immediately upon release. One of which (“The Young Victoria”) I didn’t even bother to see – if only because of the stab-me-in-the-face-until-it’s-over chess metaphor that I kept seeing in the trailers.

The other two nominees? Another stunningly realized visual dreamscape from Terry Gilliam and a glitzy, dressed-up postcard of a movie that uses Fellini as an affectation and opens up an entirely new dimension of Missing The Point. The Academy thought it was being Italian by nominating “Nine,” but it was wrong. This was a decidedly un-Italian nomination.

But what to choose? I’d like to see both “Bright Star” and “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” get recognized, and I’m going to have to go with the latter – if only because, if the former were to win, it would only be because it’s a period piece, not because any voter took the time to think it through. But I think the statuette will go to “Coco Before Chanel,” since thousands of voters no doubt wear Chanel – in one form or another—on a regular basis. Worldwide brand recognition, folks. That’s what you get for imposing on a rich aristocratic asshole and getting treated like shit for years. Keep that in mind.

Prediction: “Coco Before Chanel”
Preference: “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus”

Jeremy says: This one is a bit tricky to predict because, hey, "The Young Victoria" is the ultimate period costume drama (set in the Victorian period, if I recall correctly). In 2007, when faced with a World War II period piece with much more impressive costume design, the voters still couldn't stop from getting semen stains all over the boring shit from "Elizabeth: The Golden Age" (that one was Elizabethan, my period experts tell me). So it would be foolish to bet against any story of English royalty.

But—and this is where Chris may be on to something—it would also be foolish to bet against a nominee whose subject matter directly relates to the craft at hand. You don't bet against a film about a blind guy winning Best Sound Mixing, and you don't bet against a film about a clothing designer (with high-end brand recognition, no less!) in Costume Design. But that leaves us with two nominees we shouldn't bet against. Whaaaaa??!!!?!?

OK, Jeremy, breath deep. Pull yourself together. Be Italian. You can do this.

Alright. The clothing styles are integral to "Coco Avant Chanel" (that means "Coco Before Chanel" in some obscure language), making it a lock. EXCEPT the film is about the designer who took away corsets and frills—the Academy's favorite thing in the world!!! It's gonna have to go to "The Young Victoria."

Prediction: "The Young Victoria"
Preference: "Bright Star"

Best Documentary, Short Subjects
“China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province” – Jon Alpert, Richard O’Neill
“The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner” – Daniel Junge, Henry Ansbacher
“The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant” – Steven Bognar, Julia Reichert
“Królik po berlinsku” – Bartosz Konopka, Anna Wydra
“Music by Prudence” – Roger Ross Williams, Elinor Burkett

Best Short Film, Animated
“French Roast” – Fabrice Joubert
“Granny O’Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty” – Nicky Phelan, Darragh O’Connell
“La dama y la muerte” – Javier Recio Garcia
“Logorama” – Nicolas Schmerkin
“Wallace and Gromit in ‘A Matter of Loaf and Death’” – Nick Park

Best Short Film, Live Action
“The Door” – Juanita Wilson, James Flynn
“Istället för abrakadabra” – Patrik Eklund, Mathias Fjällström
“Kavi” – Gregg Helvey
“Miracle Fish” – Luke Doolan, Drew Bailey
“The New Tenants” – Joachim Back, Tivi Magnusson

Whoa! We're doing all the shorts in one go. Take a deep breath, this might be a long 'un.

Which is ironic. You know, since this is the “short” category and all. God, we’re good at irony.

Jeremy says: This year's documentary short nominees didn't really take the whole "short" thing to heart, did they? The films average around 40 minutes a piece, the shortest being 33 minutes and the longest 51 minutes. 51! "Sherlock, Jr." is a feature and it's shorter than that. Also, I hate this category because it contains the only nominee I haven't seen, "Królik po berlinsku," whose English title is "Rabbit à la Berlin." That's not even English. What the hell? It's supposed to be good—it's about the rabbits that used to live in the Berlin wall, but it's a metaphor for life after communism or something. Sounds like it'd go over voters' heads, even if it's supposed to be good.

Anyway, this is a collection of sad stories, but I think the film that will touch the Academy voters most will be “China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province.” Props also go to “The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant,” which chronicles the personal stories of proud GM workers as their award-winning factory closes.

In the animated lineup, we have a Nick Park film. The only time Nick Park has lost in this category was the year he had two nominees and only one of them could win (although a tie would have been really impressive). Admittedly "A Matter of Loaf and Death" isn't the best Wallace and Gromit short, and the formula has grown familiar over the years. But unless voters are completely sick of that lovable dimwit inventor and his ever-loyal dog, I don't see any of the other nominees overtaking it.

Of the three clever dark comedies involving old ladies, “Granny O’Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty," about a bitter, lonely old lady telling her granddaughter a skewed bedtime story, is the funniest, but “La dama y la muerte” and "French Roast" are also amusing. "Logorama" creates an impressive vision of the world in logotypes, but its tone-deaf attempts at edgy dialogue and trite disaster movie metaphor are less impressive (not that Academy voters would go for it either way).

The Live Action category is tougher to predict. You've basically got three very depressing films, one obnoxious hipster film that thinks its way more clever than it is, and one quirky deadpan comedy. The comedy, “Istället för abrakadabra” ("Instead of Abracadabra") from Sweden, could win for its goofy, sweet romance simply because it's a break from the dreariness. I mean, it's better than past winner "The Mozart of Pickpockets." "The Door," however, is clearly the most artfully made film, examining one family's experience of the Chernoble disaster quickly but potently, and I'm going to have to predict it.

"Miracle Fish," about an alienated lower-class boy's unforgettable school day, has a strong understanding of childhood and tragedy. "Kavi," about modern-day slaves in India, is an utterly average production with no inspired filmmaking. Last, "The New Tenants" isn't Oscar material and also happens to be terrible.

Predictions: “China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province,” “Wallace and Gromit in ‘A Matter of Loaf and Death,’” "The Door"
Preferences: “The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant,” “Wallace and Gromit in ‘A Matter of Loaf and Death,’” "The Door"

Chris says: Yeah, I was shocked at how tone-deaf "The New Tenants" was. How did they rope Vincent D'Onofrio into this? Was he just thrilled by the challenge to put on a shitload of weight again? Anyway, I agree about the artistry of "The Door," however its terrible, "I'm-spelling-everything-out-that-I-should-be-able-to-communicate-visually" writing should preclude it from winning the award. For a filmmaker with such obvious skill, it's odd that she doesn't allow her filmmaking to speak for itself. To borrow a phrase from Mr. Mathews here, I'd say the writing was dick-slappingly obvious.

Two better choices would be "Miracle Fish" - with the way it adjusts our sense of equilibrium, for the way an early shot tells us so much without us right away knowing quite why, for one sublime transition in particular - and the very funny "Instead of Abracadabra." I'm not sure if I like that one quite as much as the director's recent Sundance short, "Seeds of the Fall," but he once again shows deft comic timing and a fine sense of composition.

I can't disagree with Jeremy's take on the animated shorts. "French Roast," "The Lady and the Reaper," "Granny O'Grimm's Sleeping Beauty" and "Logorama" were all funny and clever enough - some more than others - but a B effort from "Wallace and Gromit" still bests them all.

Also, I haven't seen the doc shorts. But just to piss Jeremy off, I hope the one he hasn't seen wins.

Predictions: "Wallace and Gromit in 'A Matter of Loaf and Death,'" "The Door," "The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant"
Preferenes: "Wallace and Gromit in 'A Matter of Loaf and Death,'" "Miracle Fish" or "Instead of Abracadabra"

Best Achievement in Visual Effects
“Avatar” – Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham, Andy Jones
“District 9” – Dan Kaufman, Peter Muyzers, Robert Habros, Matt Aitken
“Star Trek” – Roger Guyett, Russell Earl, Paul Kavanagh, Burt Dalton

Doesn't pretty much every movie made nowadays have special effects? And yet they can only come up with three nominees? Pull it together, Academy!

Chris says: Alright, look. If you spend $400 million to make a movie and you spend virtually every cent of that on your special effects, dammit, you should win the Oscar. It’s your duty. If some puny little movie that cost just $140 million to make – J.J. Abrams probably had to cobble together his budget with a bunch of independent financiers – were to surpass your effects and/or steal the award, that’s not just an upset. It’s an embarrassment, love! (That’s what I call James Cameron.) I mean, it’s bad enough you’re forced to share space on the ballot with a movie that only cost a lousy $30 million.

James Cameron says: Hahahahahahaha! Your budget is tiny, just like your penis, Neill Blomkamp. Mine’s huge.

Chris says: Anyway…you really never had an excuse, “Avatar.” You pay that much for effects, they damn well better be Oscar-worthy, if not groundbreaking. And as it happens, the money definitely shows up on screen. While the melding of CGI and motion-capture into a fully realized universe may not be nearly as groundbreaking as people seem to be blindly assuming it is—really, it’s nothing more than another step in the tracks recently left by (for better and/or worse) Peter Jackson, David Fincher and Robert Zemeckis—it’s certainly a polished and accomplished piece of technical wizardry. However, that says nothing of the artistry – or, in some instances, the lack thereof. As impressive as some sequences are, it’s hard not to get annoyed by the monotony that sets in after a sequence or two on Pandora. (And please, with the fucking blacklight – we’re not 13 anymore, and we weren’t into that shit anyway.) There’s also some obvious digital jerkiness with some of the human characters (particularly in wide shots) and Sigourney Weaver’s Na’vi avatar curiously looks much more animatronic than some of her counterparts.

Cameron also loses a few points for deciding to cover up Zoe Saldana’s infinite hotness with bright blue computer effects – a mistake my favorite of this category, “Star Trek,” did not make. Not only does J.J. Abrams’ fantastic sci-fi actioner (which boasts more impressive action scenes and production design than does “Avatar”) feature more Saldana, but uses its special effects more seamlessly and to greater effect. If we’re grading on a curve, “District 9” should win – since with its $30 mil it easily bested countless effects-heavy movies with five or six times the budget. However, no one has a chance to topple “Avatar” on this one – and with the obvious level of skill on so many of the effects, that’s a fair enough result.

Prediction: “Avatar”
Preference: “Star Trek”

James Cameron says: JAMES CAMERON!

Jeremy says: I would make a joke about "Avatar," but according to those articles about why Sacha Baron Cohen won't be at the Oscars, that would be a HUGE mistake. What the fuck? I mean, the man just made all the money in the world, he should be able to laugh at anything, with the possible exception of "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo."

James Cameron says: Hey! I don't produce the Oscars. I even told Christina Gibson, "If they want to poke fun at 'Avatar' Sunday, that's OK by me. I'm sure we'll laugh." Of course, I was making a throat-slashing gesture, shaking my head and looking as stern as Peter Stormare in "Fargo" at the time, but come on!

GOB Bluth says: Come on!

James Cameron says: SHUT UP! As I was saying, I love a good laugh. Go ahead. Make me laugh, poor boy. Show me what you can do with this podunk article that won't get as many hits as a blurry picture of my giant dick, let alone make .000001 percent of what "Avatar" and "Titanic" made on their worst days. Go ahead. Let's hear your little jokes. I'm sure we'll all laugh.

I'm waiting.

Jeremy says: Uh…Na'vi are blue and they speak in Papyrus subtitles?

James Cameron says: I've made a huge mistake.

Jeremy says: So, anyhow…"Avatar" had mountains that weren't connected to land. What's up with that? Floating mountains and waterfalls. That's what I call a triumph in visual effects. Where'd the bottom of the mountain go? They didn't just stick a mirror in front of it, that's for sure. They'd need a really big mirror if they were gonna do that, and then the cameras might end up in the shot. (Remember that fake mirror shot in "Terminator 2?" Linda Hamilton had a twin!) So yeah, it seems like a pretty obvious choice for the win.

None of the three of the nominees had perfect effects, but there were certain moments in "Avatar," especially in its opening sequence, that really took me out of the film, which is a big no-no. Of course, I was chastised for not wanting to award "Benjamin Button" for the same reason, but the past is the past, let's not dwell on it. I prefer "Star Trek," too.

Prediction: "Avatar"
Preference: "Star Trek"

Chris says: Yeah, and there are imperfect effects moments that I’m sure “took you out of” “Star Wars,” “E.T.,” “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” etc., so back in the old days – when you and I were banging out this Oscar preview on our old Hansen Writing Ball typewriters (Gosh, our hair was long back then! What were we thinking?!) – you were probably against those movies winning visual effects Oscars, too. Hell, 1988 Jeremy probably criticized “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” for its groundbreaking effects. Ya know, there were moments when I could tell I was seeing an effect. What an undeserved Oscar!

But look what you’ve done by hashing out the past, Jeremy. Just look at what you’ve done!

Robin Williams from Good Will Hunting says: It’s not your fault, Jeremy. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

Jeremy says: Wait, Chris, so—

Robin Williams from Good Will Hunting says: It’s not your fault!

Jeremy says: …so now are you arguing in favor of "Avatar?" Then why'd you pick "Star Trek" as your preference, you ol' nut? And I'm specifically referring to dead-eyed, creepy looking characters and stiff-walking digital extras and the like. I don't remember a cut to a creepy Harrison Ford dummy in the middle of an emotional moment during "Raiders" or a waxy-skinned Elliott to make Henry Thomas look younger. Those sins are much worse than flaws in scenery effects (although those bug me, too, of course—I'm not hard to bug).

Chris says:: What I'm saying is, groundbreaking effects are always never going to be perfect (well, "2001" comes close), and usually have significant flaws. But the Academy should honor groundbreaking visual-effects work. If you do comparatively easy special effects really, really well, that's not all that impressive -- it's expected.

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
James Horner, “Avatar”
Alexandre Desplat, “Fantastic Mr. Fox”
Marco Beltrami, Buck Sanders, “The Hurt Locker”
Hans Zimmer, “Sherlock Holmes”
Michael Giacchino, “Up”

Listen to that orchestra swell. No, we won't get off stage, we're not done yet. We haven't even gotten to screenplay yet! Give us a break!

Chris says: I don’t know whether it’s voter apathy or, well, the exact opposite, but the Original Score category has had its share of interesting, surprising and under-the-radar winners over the years. I mean, a Robert Redford movie you’ve never heard of called “The Milagro Beanfield War” won it back in 1988. “The Red Violin” won. “Emma” won. And yet, some of the very best composers in the business are still Oscar-less. James Newton Howard? Eight nominations, no wins. Thomas Newman? 0-for-10. And this year’s two most deserving nominees, Alexandre Desplat and Michael Giacchino, are a combined 0-for-5, and have been overlooked for nominations on plenty of other occasions.

But most baffling of all is the fact that – ahem – Carter Burwell has never been nominated for a fucking Oscar. I mean, come on!

Oh, hold on a sec, someone wants to say something.

GOB Bluth says: Come on!

Jeremy says: Hey, we used that joke last year. Come on!

GOB Bluth says: Come on!

Chris says: Hey, I’m talking here. Come on!

So when Burwell outdoes himself with the most haunting score of his career in “A Serious Man,” the Academy casually looks the other way. And what about the vintage work of Marvin Hamlisch on "The Informant!?" Can that movie get a little recognition, please? Unfortunately, either of those had gotten nominated, they would have knocked off one of the worthy nominees instead of the utterly boring, disposable work of James Horner. But when you get a juggernaut like “Avatar” – especially one that calls itself an epic – the score nomination is an automatic. After all, with the stale romance, how else would you know what to feel but for Horner’s strings?

Personally, much as I loved Hans Zimmer’s delightfully playful, modern score for “Sherlock Holmes,” I’ll give the slight edge to the two animated films of the bunch – which just so happen to be two of the seven best films of the year. Alexandre Desplat has kind of become the composer du jour in Hollywood lately, with seven credits listed for 2009 alone. His work on “Fantastic Mr. Fox” is part of arguably the best soundtrack of the year, and every variation of the “Boggis, Bunce and Bean” theme seems to improve upon the last. The music—as you might expect from any Wes Anderson film—strikes the perfect tone, and like the film itself, is just too much damn fun not to love. Desplat’s equal is Michael Giacchino, who ——

Hold on, a quick aside:

LOST

Alright, sorry about that. Anyway, Desplat’s equal is Michael Giacchino (of “LOST” fame), whose brilliant blend of old-fashioned jazz and ragtime, classical and modern styles exquisitely captured the film’s emotions and stylistic proclivities (Woody Allen much? Silent cinema much?), particularly during the “Married Life” montage that I just now creamed myself thinking about. But alas, it seems doomed to lose to “Avatar.”

Prediction: “Avatar”
Preference: “Up” or “Fantastic Mr. Fox”

And that’s only fitting, really, since the movie “Avatar” was based on – Disney’s “Pocahontas” – won this same award back in 1995.

James Cameron says: Yeah, that’s funny. Hilarious. You know what else would be hilarious? Me and you comparing dick sizes. I have a huge one. Want me to prove it? Dude, my movie just made seven-hundred million cunting dollars.

Jeremy: Well, I think—

James Cameron says: Two point five-fucking-nine billion fucking dollars worldwide. It basically made all of the money that’s out there. Yeah that’s right, whip ’em out.

Jeremy says: I guess the problem with "Avatar" is that it's a possible juggernaut. It could very well go on a sweeping rampage and eat up its competition, or it could fall just short in a lot of categories and go home with only a few statuettes. In any event other than a sweep, I don't think one of those statues will be the Original Score Oscar. As Chris pointed out, voters are often willing to be adventurous in this category and award underdogs. Why they don't do this in any other category is a mystery.

Despite its omissions like "The Informant!" and "A Serious Man," this category is filled with strong, interesting scores. "Sherlock Holmes" and "Fantastic Mr. Fox" are both great fun, and Sander's work in "The Hurt Locker" brings out the film's underlying frustration and paranoia.

But that's all for naught, because Giacchino's fine, fine work is inherently tied to the year's most emotional bit of filmmaking, and that will put him over the top when voters are filling out their ballots. Plus, Giacchino deserves an Oscar for concluding the best TV show score of all time this year.

LOST

Prediction: "Up"
Preference: "Up"

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song
“The Weary Kind” from “Crazy Heart” – T-Bone Burnett, Ryan Bingham
“Loin de Paname” from “Faubourg 36” – Reinhardt Wagner, Frank Thomas
“Take it All” from “Nine” – Maury Yeston
“Almost There” from “The Princess and the Frog” – Randy Newman
“Down in New Orleans” from “The Princess and the Frog” – Randy Newman

They aren't going to perform these songs at the ceremony this year. What the fuck? Sure, most of the nominees usually suck, but it's called tradition, dude.

Jeremy says: The standout winner here is "The Weary Kind" from "Crazy Heart" (Chris told me the song was called "Crazy Heart"—what's he smoking?) The movie's about songwriting, the song is very good and everybody loves T-Bone Burnett. Check and mate.

The next-best song is the "Paris 36" cabaret number "Loin de Paname," which is French for "Far from Paname." "Take it All" may have only been written as Original Song Oscar bait, but it was one of the best moments from "Nine," although that says very, very little. Nevertheless, here's to Marion Cotillard for not making a complete fool of herself like every other cast member.

While I appreciate Disney's attempt to revive the animated musical, Newman's generic songs were the weakest part of "The Princess and the Frog." There ain't no "Under the Seas" here, folks. (And the film's best song, "Evangeline," wasn't even nominated.)

Prediction: "The Weary Kind"
Preference: "The Weary Kind"

Chris says: I take issue with Jeremy’s claim that I said the “Crazy Heart” song was called “Crazy Heart,” mainly because I don’t remember ever having a conversation with Jeremy about the song from “Crazy Heart.” Which is called—and I want you all to get this—“The Weary Kind.” Now, A) I could be wrong; B) Jeremy could be purposely defaming me; or C) perhaps Jeremy thought it was me who told him that dirty lie, only it was someone else—like, perhaps, the life-size cardboard cutout of me that he keeps in his recording studio. Either way, the song is fucking called “The Weary Kind” and it’s terrific.

Jeremy says: See Chris, and you wonder why I insist on recording all our conversations:

To be fair, it sounds like you call it "The Crazy Heart," which has one word right from "The Weary Kind." (And haha, I bet when you suckers saw an audio player in this section, you thought you'd get to hear some music!)

Chris says: That doesn't even sound like me.

Prediction: "The Weary Kind"
Preference: "The Weary Kind"

Best Achievement in Sound
“Avatar” – Christopher Boyes, Gary Summers, Andy Nelson, Tony Johnson
“The Hurt Locker” – Paul N.J. Ottosson, Ray Beckett
“Inglourious Basterds” – Michael Minkler, Tony Lamberti, Mark Ulano
“Star Trek” - Anna Behlmer, Andy Nelson, Peter J. Devlin
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fal len” – Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers, Geoffrey Patterson

Best Achievement in Sound Editing
“Avatar” – Christopher Boyes, Gwendolyn Yates Little
“The Hurt Locker” – Paul N.J. Ottosson
“Inglourious Basterds” – Wylie Stateman
“Star Trek” – Mark P. Stoecklinger, Alan Rankin
“Up” – Michael Silvers, Tom Myers

Remember that year we transcribed the entire opening sequence of "The Bourne Ultimatum?" Man, that was awesome.

Jeremy says: Well, hrm…

"Avatar" is the big effects triumph of the year, which often translates to awards in the sound categories. Unless, however, the Academy faces another film whose sound design really stands out. "The Hurt Locker" could very well be that film, at least in the mixing category, for the dynamic, tense soundscapes that accompany its brilliant setpieces. I suspect that "Avatar" will still win Sound Editing for its other-worldly explosions, but "The Hurt Locker" will pull it out for Best Sound.

Tarantino's brilliant sound team will, of course, be ignored.

Prediction: "Avatar" for Sound Editing, "The Hurt Locker" for Sound Mixing
Preference: "The Hurt Locker" for Sound Editing, "Inglourious Basterds" or "The Hurt Locker" for Sound Mixing

Chris says: Well, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” sure was loud. So was “Avatar,” but that was just the visuals.

(Hey-oh! Zing! You better stay away from me folks, ’cause I’m on fire!)

James Cameron says: OK, you know my Oscars? Thirteen-and-a-half inches long. And let me just put it this way: My wife wasn’t even impressed.

Chris says: Anyway, I agree with everything Jeremy said. Or maybe not, but I can’t pin down sound editing with enough expertise for it to really matter. Plus, you’re all skipping this category anyway. See, watch:

TITS.

Anyone?

Yeah, didn’t think so. No one’s paying attention, Jeremy.

Well, Jason is – but that’s only because he loves tits.

Best Achievement in Art Direction
“Avatar” – Rick Carter, Robert Stromberg, Kim Sinclair
“The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” – David Warren, Anastasia Masaro, Caroline Smith
“Nine” – John Myhre, Gordon Sim
“Sherlock Holmes” – Sarah Greenwood, Katie Spencer
“The Young Victoria” – Patrice Vermette, Maggie Gray

Alright, this is where the producers of the year's period pictures take a deep breath. The dream they set out for when they green-lit their movies could all come true here: They could get to put "Academy Award Winner" on the DVD cover.

Chris says: OK, before we begin, just a quick clarification. I’d like to line up the art direction nominees for “Avatar,” m’kay? Rick, Robert, Kim ... alright, that’s all of ’em, thanks for being here. Quick question: Did any of you found the novelty store and shopping mall staple Spencer’s Gifts?

[silence]

No? Mm-hmm. Alright, how about album covers? Before becoming production designers and all that, did any of you design album covers for a living? Perhaps in the 1970s?

[silence]

No? Interesting. Interesting indeed. Alright, last one. Probably a lock. Were any of you three – or all, for that matter – responsible for the production design on “The Abyss?”

NO? Well gosh, I just don’t know what to say. At least give me this – at least tell me that, if you all had it your way, you wouldn’t possibly have come up with something so monotonous and childish as so much of the art direction in “Avatar” unfortunately is.

You would have? Phew! Now I can rest better when you guys pick up that Oscar that’s comin’ your way. I’ll just pretend I didn’t see all the tacky visuals and try to only remember the beautiful ones. Meanwhile, the deserving winners – the team behind “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” – will go home empty-handed. I’ve been trying to talk myself into a scenario in which they’d win, but I’m afraid it’s isn’t meant to be. Couldn’t we remind the Academy that Heath Ledger died and pull a little more sympathy from them?

Come on, voters, Heath Ledger died! Give “Parnassus” the Oscar, you heartless assholes!

Terry Gilliam says: Yeah, Heath Ledger died! Have a heart!

Jason Reitman says: Yeah, Heath Ledger died! Fuck “Avatar!” Yeah!

Nicolas Chartier says: Yeah, I’m on board with that! Fuck “Avatar!” Plus, Heath Ledger died! Come on!

George Lucas says: I made a digital Heath Ledger and he will never die!

James Cameron says: JAMES CAMERON!

Chris says: Anyway, not that this is a surprise, since the art direction category is always clueless – “Children of Men” and “Minority Report” got left out, for shit’s sake – but I’d like to point out the silly prejudice against animated films in this category. “Fantastic Mr. Fox” had some of the most detailed, creative and visually sumptuous production design I’ve seen in years. But hey, it’s a silly movie for kids – this category is for the real awards about people wearing lavish costumes! Anyway, watch how Italian I’m being with my prediction:

Prediction: “Nine”
Preference: “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus”

Jeremy says: Art Direction is another category that the "Avatar" juggernaut will not win (fingers crossed).

Remember when Alex McDowell wasn't even nominated for "Minority Report?" And now they're gonna turn around and give an Oscar to a much less visionary—dare I saw somewhat derivative?—science-fiction design team instead?

OK, that does sound like something the Academy would do. BUT there are period pieces nominated. Fucking period pieces.

You'd think that "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus," with its mind-bending environments, would have a chance here, but you'd be wrong. That isn't what Art Direction means, folks, it means fancy-looking, old-timey period sets! Why else wouldn't "A Serious Man" and "Inglourious Basterds" be nominated? (They're both period films, but not period enough.)

I'm a bit stuck here because "Sherlock Holmes" is full of fun, ornate details, but "The Young Victoria" has the most handsome, Oscar-friendly setting. They're both period pieces, though. Eh, fuck it, let's say "Sherlock Holmes." I don't have a reputation to ruin.

Prediction: "Sherlock Holmes"
Preference: "Sherlock Holmes" or "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus"

Best Achievement in Editing
“Avatar” – Stephen A. Rivkin, John Refoua, James Cameron
“District 9” – Julian Clarke
“The Hurt Locker” – Bob Murawski, Chris Innis
“Inglourious Basterds” – Sally Menke
“Precious” – Joe Klotz

Remember when we had Brent Sallay with us, and he and Jeremy would argue about whether a film longer than two hours should be eligible for the Oscar? Good times. However, if you're looking for a more trimmed-down Editing rundown, this might do the trick.

Jeremy says: The editing of "The Hurt Locker" is so inherently locked to its success that I can't imagine a scenario in which Bob Murawski and Chris Innis don't have this baby locked up. The film's unforgettable depictions of chaotic bomb diffusions pulsate with energy, paranoia and perfectly understandable confusion. While I'm also a fan of Sally Menke's work in "Basterds," "The Hurt Locker" is pretty much a master class in editing.

Also, how the hell did "Precious" get nominated in this category? Unless the Academy is Awarding clumsiest editing, I don't see a prize for Joe Klutz—sorry, Klotz (see what I did there?).

Prediction: "The Hurt Locker"
Preference: "The Hurt Locker"

Chris says: Dammit, you stole my Klotz/Klutz joke!! I’ve been planning that all week. Then I was going to laugh hysterically. Well anyway, now that you’ve stolen my thunder, I don’t really have a follow-up. I can’t disagree with what Jeremy says about “The Hurt Locker’s” editing, but I’m still gonna give the slight edge to Sally Menke for “Inglourious Basterds.” Unlike “The Hurt Locker” and—let’s be honest—most editing nominees these days, the cuts are a bit more judicious in “Basterds,” which builds its tension through longer takes, slow camera movements and precision reaction and reveal shots. And even in the moments when it does get kinetic, it does so with incredible grace. I’m thinking in particular of the first climax of the tavern scene, when the suspense finally reaches a boiling point and erupts in a brief onslaught of chaotic violence—the clarity with which Menke and Tarantino utilize ultra-fast cuts is quite impressive indeed. But again, that’s nothing against “The Hurt Locker.”

But I’m still mad about that “klutz” joke.

Prediction: “The Hurt Locker”
Preference: “Inglourious Basterds”

Best Achievement in Cinematography
“Avatar” – Mauro Fiore
“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” – Bruno Delbonnel
“The Hurt Locker” – Barry Ackroyd
“Inglourious Basterds” – Robert Richardson
“The White Ribbon” – Christian Berger

This year's slate of cinematographers features many different techniques—handheld, black-and-white, computer-generated, classical, Hufflepuff.

Chris says: The American Society of Cinematographers threw a bit of a kink into the cinematography race when they awarded the well-deserving Christian Berger for “The White Ribbon” this year—despite the fact that they almost rarely nominate foreign films, let alone let those non-American bastards walk away with our hardware on our fucking soil. So that’s the good news. The bad news—or rather, the bad omen—is that the last time the ASC awarded a black-and-white masterpiece its top honor (in 2001 for “The Man who Wasn’t There”), the film lost out come Oscar time and Roger Deakins went home sad.

Jeremy says: Look at that rolling hubcap, Academy. What's wrong with you?

Chris says: This year, Berger is hardly the favorite, but I wouldn’t totally rule out a win. (I mean, come on, the Academy gets cinematography right sometimes. Just look at three years ago, when in a landslide vote the Academy gave the award to “Children of M—” Ah, fuck, nevermind.)

Of this year’s nominees, “Avatar” has received the most attention for its visuals, “The Hurt Locker” is a Best Picture frontrunner and Inglourious Basterd Robert Richardson is a two-time winner and one of the best in the business. Only Bruno Delbonnel isn’t really a contender – but that certainly shouldn’t take away from his fantastic work on “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” It’s that, you know, that movie doesn’t have any momentum. But at least it got nominated instead of fucking “Nine.”

Judi Dench says: Did somebody say “Nine”? Because that reminds me, I’d like to sing you all a song. In French!

Chris says: Absolutely fucking not. Judi, sit the fuck down. Daniel Day-Lewis, don’t even think about it.

Fergie says: BEEEEEEEEEEEE Italian!

Chris says: You too!

Anyway, if we’re not going to be distracted again, I’d love to see Richardson take home another one – after all, any film with that deep an understanding of cinematic language has to have a brilliant cinematographer, no? But I’d love it even more if Berger got it. After all, with those sneaky Argentinians poised to steal the Best Foreign Film Oscar, “The White Ribbon” has to get some love, am I right?

Prediction: “Inglourious Basterds”
Preference: “The White Ribbon”

Jeremy says: I'm actually a huge fan of Bruno Delbonnel's work in "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," so kudos to the Academy for that pleasant, unexpected surprise. Note the desaturated tones of the bathroom scene, punctuated by vivid reds, or the haunting images throughout. I'm also a huge fan of Richardson's stately work in "Inglourious Basterds" and Berger's game-changing black-and-white photography in "The White Ribbon." Each man is doing something different, and each masters what they're doing so precisely that it's impossible to rank one over the other.

I feel like "Avatar" is out of the running, fairly or not, due to the digital factor. I mean, I could be a great cinematographer, too, if I could reshoot everything over and over with my computer until it looked perfect.*

Then we have Barry Ackroyd's strong handheld work for "The Hurt Locker,” which, depending on the support behind the film, could surprise us here. "Slumdog Millionaire" showed last year that the Academy isn't afraid to go the gritty route if they really love the film. But what with the Harv behind him, you have to think Richardson will take it.

Prediction: "Inglourious Basterds"
Preference: "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," "Inglourious Basterds" or "The White Ribbon"—I'm easy to please in this one!

*Or not.

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
“An Education” – Nick Hornby
“District 9” – Neill Blomkamp, Terri Tatchell
“In the Loop” – Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Ianucci, Tony Roche
“Precious” – Geoffrey Fletcher
“Up in the Air” – Jason Reitman, Sheldon Turner

Two of these "adapted" screenplays—"In the Loop" and "District 9"—were adapted from their creators' TV show and short, respectively, and don't really feel adapted at all. Will that hurt or help their chances? It won't matter at all, of course.

Jeremy says: "Up in the Air" doesn't deserve to win...

...but hopefully its inevitable victory will be made more tolerable by an amusingly contemptuous acceptance speech from Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner, who hate each other. You see, Reitman is under the delusion that he read the source material and immediately hammered out the screenplay, without any care as to whether anyone already owned the rights to the book or an adaptation was already started. However, the WGA noted that Turner's screenplay introduced a lot of material in the movie that wasn't in the book, and gave Sheldon credit for his work, much to Reitman's chagrin. After one awards ceremony in which Reitman wouldn't let Turner speak, the two managed to play nice. But now that the votes are in, they don't have to. Fight!

After some of the tirades I've read, I've come to understand that "An Education" is not an adaptation of Lynn Barber's memoir, but of Mein Kampf. Apparently when Peter Sarsgaard talks about he and his friends and uses the word "we" because it's the plural first-person pronoun, he's actually talking about Jews. Nick Hornby hates Jews! Hates 'em. But, seriously, can you blame him? So, in closing, if you portray an imperfect Jewish character in a film that acknowledges the anti-Semitism of its era, you hate Jews. Glad we got that cleared up.

The best screenplay is the hilarious "In the Loop," which is loaded with 20 films worth of clever dialogue and nearly as much sharp political satire. And with its liberal use of the word "cunt," what are the odds it won't pull an upset?

Prediction: "Up in the Air"
Preference: "In the Loop"

Chris says: Allow me to explain my support for “In the Loop” thusly:

Example 1: “Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!”

Example 2: “Well, it is out there, it's out there now, lurking like a big hairy rapist at a coach station.”

Example 3: “Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814. And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fuck. You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny.”

This movie has the kind of brilliantly creative swearing that swearing was made for. The aforementioned use of the word “cunt” is one of the highlights – though let’s not forget the inventive application of variations on “cock” and, naturally, “fuck.”

And I’m glad Jeremy brought up the virulent anti-Semitism in “An Education”—the kind of virulent anti-Semitism that nobody would ever notice because it only exists in the mind of someone who needs something to complain about. Get some fucking perspective, assholes.

Also, speaking of profanity, where the fuck is “Fantastic Mr. Fox” in this category? Wes Anderson’s unique and endlessly imaginative script doesn’t get a look, yet you nominate “Up in the Air” for its completely obvious observations and even more obvious insights? That’s bad screenwriting, Jason! You wrote a bad script!

OK, sorry Jason. I didn’t mean it. It’s actually a solid script, but nothing award worthy. But at least you wrote it all by yourself.

Sheldon Turner says: Actually, I—

Jason Reitman says (interrupting): Actually, I—

Sheldon Turner says: Jason, what are you—

Jason Reitman says: Jason, what are you

Sheldon Turner says: Stop interrupting me—

Jason Reitman says: Stop interrupting me

Sheldon Turner says: Stop repeating everything I—

Jason Reitman says: Stop repeating everything I—

Sheldon Turner says: Blah blah blah blah blah

Jason Reitman says: Blah blah blah blah blah!

Sheldon Turner says: You big baby.

Jason Reitman says: I know you are but what am I?

Prediction: “Up in the Air”
Preference: “In the Loop”

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
“The Hurt Locker” – Mark Boal
“Inglourious Basterds” – Quentin Tarantino
“The Messenger” – Alessandro Camon, Oren Moverman
“A Serious Man” – Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
“Up” – Bob Peterson, Pete Docter, Thomas McCarthy

Three of these screenplays are great, but only one is…glourious.

Sorry—glorious. We're terrible at spelling.

Chris says: First of all, I’d just like to pass along an announcement from a friend of ours. Jason Reitman just sent us a press release, demanding to know why he isn’t nominated in the Best Original Screenplay category. I mean, he says he came up with the characters, the plot, the dialogue, the structure and the title all on his own. (What book?) Just because there’s a book with the same title, characters and plot doesn’t mean anything, right? It all came from his own genius brain, he says.

Reitman continues: “Even if I didn’t come up with any of those ideas, that’s a moot point because I feel like I could have."

Who are we to doubt him?

Anyway, without his primary Golden Globe competition standing in the way, Quentin Tarantino looks poised to claim his second screenplay Oscar for his masterful “Inglourious Basterds.” The Academy loves QT so much, they completely ignored his brilliant work on “Jackie Brown,” “Kill Bill” and even “Death Proof.” All you had to do was kill Nazis to gain the ~~Jews’~~ Academy’s love, Quentin!

But a deserving Oscar it will be. Tarantino not only reinvented the World War II movie, but wrote arguably the best character of his career in Hans Landa and crafted sequences of interrogation (whether or not certain characters knew they were being interrogated) with wry wit and subtle insights. To listen to “Basterds” is to hear Tarantino’s joy of language and deep understanding of movie culture, within which this entire film exists. The one thing you can say unequivocally is he certainly knows his shit.

Running right alongside it would be the Coens’ stunning “A Serious Man,” their thrillingly absurdist take on the Book of Job and Suburban Jewish America circa the late 1960s. In fact, if I had my druthers, I wouldn’t mind seeing this one win Screenplay and Tarantino win Director.

Prediction: “Inglourious Basterds”
Preference: “Inglourious Basterds” or “A Serious Man”

Jeremy says: Yeah, I have to think that Tarantino will pick up his second Oscar. Who's gonna take it from him? "The Hurt Locker" isn't where it is because of Boal's screenplay, that's for sure, and unless the voters go insane, the award will go to the smartest, most assured screenplay of the year.

Just look at the dialogue—not simply Landa's, but every character's nuanced speech. It takes balls to write long scenes like the opening or, my favorite, the basement tavern, and it takes genius to pull it off.

I wouldn't be saddened by an "A Serious Man" surprise, but this year is all about QT.

Prediction: “Inglourious Basterds”
Preference: “Inglourious Basterds”

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
“Coraline” – Henry Selick
“Fantastic Mr. Fox” – Wes Anderson
“The Princess and the Frog” – John Musker, Ron Clements
“The Secret of Kells” – Tomm Moore
“Up” – Pete Docter

Turns out you can make animated films without 3D computer animation. How does this bold technique work?

Jeremy says: This year's slate of animated features may be the best since the category's inception. There ain't a "Jimmy Neutron" in the bunch. The committee for this category must have been feeling old-school, as the only computer-animated 3D effort nominated is the overwhelming favorite, Pete Docter's "Up" from Pixar. More important than technique, however, all these films have style.

Disney's "The Princess and the Frog" doesn't simply rely on its studio's hand-drawn 2D trademark look, but goes on detours to expressionistic voodoo horror and art deco illustration. The even more adventurous "The Secret of Kells"—the category's pleasant surprise—wears its 2D badge proudly, and plays out some scenes in semi-abstract, flattened designs that relate to its story of medieval monks drawing a legendary book.

The stop-motion entries are also impressive. "Fantastic Mr. Fox" uses fun writing and design as a platform for a decidedly dated but very lovable jerky movement. "Coraline" colorfully sees dreams turn into nightmare with awesome visuals, and would be a strong contender if it didn't disappoint so thoroughly with its story structure and the ridiculous ease of the supposedly great challenges its character faces.

Ultimately, however, all these films are up against the Pixar giant, and this giant knows how to make movies. "Up" is one of the studio's very best efforts, funny, heartbreaking, action-packed, character-driven, visually splendid, etc. I suppose it's possible that with the film recognized elsewhere voters might elect to go for one of the films that were only nominated here…nevermind, no it isn't.

Prediction: "Up"
Preference: "Up"

Chris says: Yeah, I can’t imagine “Up” not running away with this thing – and since it’s yet another stunner from Pixar, the film will have earned it. A ballsier choice would be “Fantastic Mr. Fox,” which takes greater advantage of both the limitations and possibilities of its style than any animated film I’ve seen in quite some time. Wes Anderson doesn’t waste a single frame; this may even be his best film yet. How can voters continue to ignore this kind of imaginative work?

Prediction: “Up”
Preference: “Fantastic Mr. Fox”

Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
“Ajami” (Israel)
“Das weisse Band - Eien deutsche Kindergeschichte” (Germany)
“El secreto de sus ojos” (Argentina)
“Un prophète” (France)
“La teta asustada” (Peru)

What's all this about? Speak English!

Chris says: I guess I just took it for granted that “The White Ribbon” would walk away with this category, what with the way Michael Haneke brilliantly challenged our expectations once again in his study of a small German village undone by a series of unexplained events on the eve of World War I. And when I saw (and was impressed by) “A Prophet” a few weeks later at Sundance, I figured, hey, at least there’s a solid fallback option.

And yet all I keep hearing lately is how Argentina’s “El secreto de sus ojos” (“The Secret in Their Eyes”) is not only a darkhorse, but is considered by some to be the movie to beat in this category. Hell if I know. If it turns out to be as good as “The Lives of Others” following its upset of “Pan’s Labyrinth,” my indignation will subside a bit. But it would have to be quite something to overtake “The White Ribbon.”

Prediction: “El secreto de sus ojos” (“The Secret in Their Eyes”)
Preference: “Das weisse Band” (“The White Ribbon”)

Jeremy says: Aw, Chris is so adorable, all naive and innocent like that. Before even seeing or hearing about any of the competition, I was certain that Haneke was not the Foreign Language Film voting block's cup of tea. There was a time when the award could go to real heavy-hitters like Bergman, Buñuel, De Sica, Kurosawa, Fellini, Tati, Malle and Truffaut (but none of that weird-ass Godard shit), but I fear that time has passed. Sure, Almodovar got one, an already-established-in-Hollywood Ang Lee won for "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," Denys Arcand won, and to be fair, most of the winners aren't as bleh as "The Counterfeiters." But the voters generally don't seem poised to award the bold and visionary.

I don't have a problem with the Academy's requirement that voters see all five films in this category—it's only fair, and wouldn't be a horrible across-the-board policy. But there's something about the mandatory screenings that only attracts crotchety old folks with a very limited view of what qualifies as Oscar worthy. Go ahead, Mr. Oscar, surprise me, I won't complain.

Like Animated Feature, this year's lineup is the strongest set of nominees I can remember, despite the absence of Corneliu Porumboiu's "Police, Adjective." "The White Ribbon" is a smart, chilling, ever-haunting film and the best Oscar nominee in any category. Jacques Audiard's violent, intelligent crime drama "Un Prophète" isn't far behind. But given "The White Ribbon's" elliptical nature and the shocking violence in "A Prophet," I can't see either winning. The Peruvian entry, “La teta asustada” ("The Milk of Sorrow"), is a flawed but fascinating character study about a young woman who was born into war and still lives in fear of rape and murder. The film contains moments of great beauty, but isn't at all plot-driven, and the main character has a potato in her vagina, so that's out.

Geoffrey Fletcher says: A potato in her vagina? How did I not think of that while writing "Precious?"

Jeremy says: That leaves two films in actual contention (again, please prove me wrong): "Ajami" from Israel, an ensemble piece about racism—oooh baby!—and “El secreto de sus ojos,” from which some commentary about the death penalty can be gleaned—is that an Oscar in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Both films are a bit unruly. "Ajami" jumps around in time as it centers on different characters, but certain elements of the structure, particularly at the end, are based around manipulative cheats rather than strong storytelling. Of course, manipulative cheating doesn't disqualify you from an Oscar, but I can't help but think that "The Secrets in Their Eyes" has everything the voter wants: mystery, romance, politics, and a thrilling setpiece in a football (soccer) stadium.

Prediction: “El secreto de sus ojos” (“The Secret in Their Eyes”)
Preference: “Das weisse Band” (“The White Ribbon”)

Chris says: Alright, just for all that snark you just handed me, I’m changing my prediction, and when I’m proven correct about “The White Ribbon,” you can suck the potato right out of my big fat vagina.

Prediction: “The White Ribbon”
Preference: For Jeremy to suck the potato out of my big fat vagina. Also, “The White Ribbon.”

Jeremy says: I hope you're right, my man. And FYI: what I suck, I swallow. Also, what snark? I said you were adorable!

Chris says: You'd swallow whether you wanted to or not.

Best Documentary, Features
“Burma VJ: Reporting from a Closed Country” – Anders Østergaard, Lise Lense-Møller
“The Cove” – Louie Psihoyos, Fisher Stevens
“Food, Inc.” – Robert Kenner, Elise Pearlstein
“The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers” – Judith Ehrlich, Rick Goldsmith
“Which Way Home” – Rebecca Cammisa

We'd like to see a documentary on this category's short-listing process, but whatever…

Jeremy says: This one is all ready to be handed to "The Cove," which works not only as a searing appeal for dolphin rights, but as a thrilling heist movie.

But it's a strong category (which is kind of surprising considering that great films like "We Live in Public" and "The Beaches of Agnes" were ignored), and an upset wouldn't exactly shock me. “Burma VJ: Reporting from a Closed Country” is a heart-winning account of the bravery of citizen journalists in an oppressive state. And "Which Way Home" follows young boys from Guatemala and Mexico as they ride the tracks on their way to the US border, hoping for a bright future in a big city. That Rebecca Cammisa and her crew manage to follow the same boys through the entire, dangerous trail is remarkable. These films are about human struggles; could that quash dolphin struggles?

And holy shit, is Monsanto the most evil piece of shit corporation ever, or what? We ought to sue their asses for contaminating our seeds with their patented gene, instead of letting them push those poor farmers around. Fuckers.

Uh, what? Oh yeah, "Food, Inc." certainly gets you thinking about what happens before you put the food you put in your mouth. Fucking Monsanto.

The only film I'd count out entirely is "The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers," not only because its name is so unbelievably long, but because its much more of a standard talking-head documentary than the other nominees. It's still a good movie, but I don't see it reaching voters.

Prediction: "The Cove"
Preference: "The Cove" or "Burma VJ"

Chris says: Though I admire “The Cove,” I soured on it in particular at the end, when it decided to make one of its subjects be a total dick with an intrusive and meaningless grandstanding gesture in the film’s big old emotional climax, played up with triumphant music and everything. Dude, if you want to pat yourself on the back for getting arrested for your cause, go right ahead, but don’t make the mistake of thinking your silly gesture is anything but empty. It was a dick move. If some pro-lifer pulled the same fucking stunt, charging in somewhere strapped with a videotape of “evidence” of his cause, we’d all be shaking our heads and nodding in agreement at what a tacky, classless asshole he was. Yet “The Cove’s” audience blindly broke into cheers. Hooray! We made a big fat statement that didn’t help anything! Wheeeee!

I also think “The Cove” held itself back substantively by playing more to our emotions than to our intellect – but that’s the easy way. None of us want to see dolphins get killed, but the filmmakers don’t really engage the issue, and so the movie comes across as just a bunch of activists promoting their activism more than anything else. It’s wonderfully shot, of course, and there are enlightening and interesting sequences, but I can’t get behind it winning. Even if it probably will.

“Food, Inc.” was a more multi-faceted film and shed more of a light on the intricacies of its subject matter. Despite some silly, generically ominous soundtrack choices and moments of unwarranted alarmism, the film does a fine job making its points and I came away mostly impressed.

Prediction: “The Cove”
Preference: “Food, Inc.”

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Sandra Bullock, “The Blind Side”
Helen Mirren, “The Last Station”
Carey Mulligan, “An Education”
Gabourey Sidibe, “Precious”
Meryl Streep, “Julie & Julia”

This category comes down to youngsters, veterans and a comeback queen whose movie made a lot of money.

Chris says: How did we get here? How did we get from Sandra Bullock starring in a sentimental, your-grandparents-will-fucking-love-this, glorified TV movie to Sandra Bullock becoming an Oscar favorite? Award-season voters must really love a good story. “Awww, ‘The Blind Side’ was the little movie that could! And Sandra Bullock sure was spunky! And we fucking love accents!” And so we’ve come to this. Look, it’s nothing personal (Sandy - babe - it’s nothing personal. We’ll always have “While You Were Sleeping,” right?), but Bullock’s performance was in no way award-worthy. She’s just been riding one of the most curious and inexplicable waves of momentum I’ve ever seen.

It’s not enough that the Academy (and everyone else) overlooked Maya Rudolph’s revelatory performance in the otherwise maddeningly uneven “Away We Go,” or the complexities of Arta Dobroshi’s portrayal of a young woman in an impossible position in “Lorna’s Silence.” Now we have to watch Sandra Bullock steal an Oscar that Carey Mulligan so richly earned?

I suppose it would be blind wishful thinking on my part to call an upset for Mulligan, even though it should be a landslide with this slate of nominees (even though I did admire Gabourey Sidibe in “Precious,” and always admire Streep and Mirren). But no. If Mulligan’s going to lose to someone, it’s damn sure not going to be Sandra Bullock laying on a thick accent in an agonizingly simplistic movie designed to make rich white people feel better about themselves. ( It’s not that I don’t want rich white people to feel good about themselves – I really do! – I just want to see a film that undertakes social and political class, race relations, collegiate corruption, xenophobia and the American educational system do so with at least the slightest effort at complexity, of which this film had none. And Bullock’s performance was about as simplistic as anything else in the movie.)

Anyway, while everyone might now be expecting Bullock to take home her first (and last) Oscar, for whatever reason I’m just not feeling it. While Mulligan would be too much to ask, I say the Academy is going to ... wait for it ...

... wait for it ...

... no, no, you’re going to have to keep waiting for it, ‘’cause I’m only going to say it once ...

... wait ...

... blindside Sandy and give the Oscar to Meryl Streep.

Jeremy says: Jesus, Chris. If you're going to pick an upset, at least grow a pair and pick a real one. "Look at me, I think Streep's gonna win." Whatever.

Pussy.

GOB Bluth says: Come on!

Jeremy says: If you want to gauge the strength of Academy voters' inexplicable support for Bullock's good performance in a below-average film, just look at "The Blind Side's" Best Picture nomination. Oh, but maybe they nominated it because they loved the screenplay—huh, no nomination there—or direction—nope—or editing—I hope you dear readers aren't scrolling up and down to check all these. Hell, just use the "find" tool and you'll discover that this is "The Blind Side's" only other nomination. (I just did—wouldn't want to embarrass myself any more than usual.)

"So wait," you say. "Are you, the great Jeremy Mathews, really going to predict upon us another boring Oscars with no big surprises in any acting categories? No Adrien Brody storming on stage, bending Halle Berry over the podium and nailing her on national TV? Say it ain't so!" Oh dear reader, you should know me better than that.

You know what else is nominated for Best Picture? "A Fucking Education." And also "Precious: Based on Some Book or Something," but More Nique has been stealing a lot of the attention from Sidibe, so let's assume that "An Education" will be more on voters' minds as they finish their ballots and make a concerted effort to ignore Bullock.

You see, if someone upsets Bullock in her big comeback roll—and come on, why not?—it's not going to be old lady Streep, who already has a couple and doesn't need one for this cute trifle of a performance. "Oh wow—Meryl can talk in a funny voice and be charming, who would have fucking thought?"

And just look at Carey Mulligan. She's sweet and adorable. She didn't know that her film was secretly about rounding up the Jews and putting them in camps, so hopefully no one will hold it against her. Stare in those eyes and that amazing face that can communicate so much innocence, disappointment, happiness and fear, all with a few deceptively simple twitches of the muscle. Tell me that's not your Best Actress of 2009. You can't do it, because she wins your heart, breaks it and makes it look easy.

If the Academy wants to throw Bullock a bone instead, fine, but no way I'm predicting that shit. Here's to some excitement.

Prediction: Carey Mulligan
Preference: Carey Mulligan

Chris says: Yeah Jeremy, because Meryl Streep’s never gotten an award for doing a funny voice or accent. Plus, shouldn’t we take into account that it’s been 27 years since Streep won an Oscar? Do most Academy voters even know she’s won twice? Look, Carey Mulligan’s not gonna win an Oscar in her lifetime before Meryl Streep has won an Oscar in Carey Mulligan’s lifetime. (Did you follow that?) They tried that once with Anna Paquin, and look what happened to her – she’s forced to star on that terrible HBO vampire show.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Jeff Bridges, “Crazy Heart”
George Clooney, “Up in the Air”
Colin Firth, “A Single Man”
Morgan Freeman, “Invictus”
Jeremy Renner, “The Hurt Locker”

We'd like personal explanations from every member of the Academy as to why Matt Damon's work in "The Informant!" wasn't nominated, but Morgan Freeman's work in "Invictus" was.

Jeremy says: None of my most favorite performances—Algenis Perez Soto in "Sugar," Damon in "The Informant!," Michael Stuhlbarg in "A Serious Man"—were nominated, but I've got to give it up for my man Bridges, who's finally going to win an Oscar after a career of great performances. His work in "Crazy Heart" lifts what could have been a standard, mediocre character study into a deeply felt portrayal of a country singer/songwriter who let much of his life pass him in a haze of sex and booze, and is trying to reclaim it, though it may be too late.

I would, however, disagree with my venerable colleague's declaration that Bridges is "a lock if ever there was one." Everyone but Freeman, who was nominated for playing a famous person in a Clint Eastwood film, has been recognized with reputable awards. Clooney works his expected charm in "Up in the Air" while managing to tap into his character's pathos. Firth's experience and nuance help curb Tom Ford's overenthusiastic fashion-designer-turned-first-time-director tendencies. And Renner, well he's a bad boy who doesn't play by the rules, but he also suffers inside folks, he suffers. But seriously, he's quite good. (And his character suffers!)

Of course, I don't know what good it does to say that Bridges isn't the biggest lock ever, since I still think he'll win. He has all momentum, he just hasn't had the same easy ride as, say, Waltz and Mo'Nique. So unless he loses, I'll have nothing to rub in Chris's face—a sad day indeed. Did I mention Chris thought that song was named "Crazy Heart?"

Prediction: Jeff Bridges
Preference: Jeff Bridges

Chris says: I don’t know what I’m going to do with my actor-centric righteous indignation now. First Philip Seymour Hoffman finally gets recognized after a decade of being ignored. Now Jeff Bridges—one of my favorite actors of all-time—is poised to finally net his first Oscar. Because, what, the beauty of his performance in “The Fabulous Baker Boys” was too pitch-perfect to recognize? His tour-de-force in “The Big Lebowski” was rejected because it was a comedy? “Starman” was too, you know, science fictiony? Whatever. No excuse this year, eh, Academy?

So I don’t know what I’m going to do—two of the great, underappreciated actors I’ve been complaining about are now officially going to be, gasp, appreciated. What’s next—is Nick Nolte gonna win Best Actor next year?

Jeremy thought he was a man by criticizing my Bridges “a lock if there ever was one” statement, but then he didn’t have the balls to actually predict anything else, thus reinforcing my correctness. You know what a man with no balls is? Not a man, Jeremy. You might as well be the “Pregnant Man,” for as many balls as you have.

Moving on: Nothing against Morgan Freeman, but “Invictus” gave him virtually nothing to work with. The movie was a two-and-a-half-hour platitude, and virtually every line of dialogue Freeman’s Mandela spoke was some inspirational, adorable little chestnut that would work just as well on a Hallmark card or an inspirational poster plastered on the wall of some addiction support group. It’s Nelson Mandela, for shit’s sake – give the man some dimension.

Anyway, as much as I loved Bridges’ work in “Crazy Heart”—really, he and Gyllenhaal completely made the movie, overcoming its completely standard-fare storyline—my favorite lead performance of the year was that of Souleymane Sy Savane in a warm, understated, intrinsically likeable performance in “Goodbye Solo.” He’s infectious from the first moment he appears on screen. I also would like to second Jeremy’s snubs – Matt Damon in arguably his best performance yet in “The Informant!” (rivaled only by “The Talented Mr. Ripley”), Algenis Perez Soto in “Sugar” and Michael Stuhlbarg in “A Serious Man.” I also have to mention – in fact, I’m surprised Jeremy hasn’t – that virtually everyone overlooked one of the most captivating and brilliant performances of the year, Sam Rockwell in “Moon.”

Jeremy says: Oops—thanks.

Chris says: Hey, there’s an underappreciated actor! Maybe I can start complaining about him!

Yeah, Academy, start appreciating Sam Rockwell! And, for that matter, Souleymane Sy Savane, too! Yeah!

Aw, what’s the use. They’re never going to nominate someone whose name they can’t even pronounce.

Pete Postlethwaite says: Hey, they nominated me!

Chris says: Fuckin' A, there’s a chance! Thanks, Pete!!

Best Achievement in Directing
Kathryn Bigelow, “The Hurt Locker”
James Cameron, “Avatar”
Lee Daniels, “Precious”
Jason Reitman, “Up in the Air”
Quentin Tarantino, “Inglourious Basterds”

Well, in past years, sometimes only four of the five Best Picture nominees were recognized, but this year, with 10 up for the top prize, these five films are being touted as the REAL nominees. Whatever. We'll take "Up" and "A Serious Man," please.

Chris says: So they’re finally going to give the Best Director Oscar to a lady, eh? How progressive. I mean, they certainly couldn’t have done that six years ago with Sofia Coppola for her masterpiece, “Lost in Translation,” now could they? They just tossed her a screenplay trophy and moved along.

But they haven’t been able to ignore Kathryn Bigelow’s work on “The Hurt Locker” this year, and with good reason—the anxiety and tension she brings to every scene, the precision of her timing in the action sequences, are indeed stunning directorial achievements. Having said that, the film suffers from some clunkiness at times—both with the introduction of the therapist character and the final 10 minutes or so, not to mention the unnecessary opening title card. As excellent as her work was, Tarantino deserves this one, as he once again proved that he has as fine a mastery on pure filmmaking craft and as wide a cinematic vocabulary as any director in the world. Just watch that scene in the tavern again. Watch it! Take in the image of the “Giant Face.” That is breathtaking filmmaking – it’s what the craft is all about.

It’s obviously a travesty that anybody thought Lee Daniels’ directorial work was better than that of the Coens – or, for that matter, Wes Anderson’s unique, endlessly inventive work on “Fantastic Mr. Fox,” or Michael Haneke for “The White Ribbon.” Though naturally, the Best Director prize should be given to Roy Andersson for “You, the Living,” but everyone knows that already, right?

Oh yeah, Jason Reitman was nominated, too.

Jeremy says: Looks like Chris and I are in agreement here. It's true that Bigelow deserves props for those riveting action scenes, and also true that Tarantino is the man who's in full control of his masterpiece the whole way through and should win it. James Cameron, the only other contender…

…(sorry Jason) has won before, doesn't have a vagina…

James Cameron says: But my penis is HUGE!

Jeremy says: …and frankly didn't do his best work, falling flat in much of the drama and failing to match Bigelow in the action scenes. If not for Tarantino, Bigelow would clearly be the most deserving nominee.

Also, Lee Daniels doesn't seem to have a clue what he's trying to do visually from scene to scene. "Hey lets do some quick zoom-reframes during this dramatic dialogue—like I did an hour ago before I forgot about it." "Let's blow-out these windows and have a halo effect that looks like heaven or something." "Let's just have a bunch of random scenes that do and say nothing. I know! A field trip!" But I digress. He's clearly a more sophisticated artist than those bozo brothers behind "A Serious Man." What was that ending all about?

Prediction: Kathryn Bigelow
Preference: Quentin Tarantino

Best Motion Picture of the Year
“Avatar”
“The Blind Side”
“District 9”
“An Education”
“The Hurt Locker”
“Inglourious Basterds”
“Precious”
“A Serious Man”
“Up”
“Up in the Air”

Hrmmmmmmm. What's odd about this list is that it doesn't include the consensus choice for the year's best film, "Du Levande" ("You, the Living"). I mean, take a look at every single top 10 list on The Same Dame and it's number one!

Jeremy says: Ten nominees or not, this race boils down to "The Hurt Locker," "Avatar" and, if you believe Harvey Weinstein, "Inglourious Basterds."

It's a bit of a shame that Weinstein is using his powers for good instead of evil now, campaigning for the best nominee (although "A Serious Man" is mighty close) now that his influence has diminished.

Harvey Weinstein says: Diminished?!? I'll crush you! What the fuck are you talking about? I got Penelope Cruz nominated for "Guido Discovers the Meaning of Marriage: The Musical: Based on the Film '8 1/2' by Fellini," and you're trying to tell me I don't have my magic anymore?

Jeremy says: Well Harvey, you're certainly still a savvy campaigner, and an upset of this magnitude would indeed be glourious…

Harvey Weinstein says: Seriously, wasn't that joke made already?

Jeremy says: But you've got to admit, you certainly don't have the same clout as you did back in Miramax's glory days. And back then, no one had campaigned like you before.

Harvey Weinstein says: You know what's never been done before? A ranked, 10-film ballot in the Best Picture race. If you're voting "The Hurt Locker," you're gonna put "Avatar" at number nine. If you're voting "Avatar," you're gonna put "The Hurt Locker" at number seven. And either way, you're putting Quentin Tarantino's sweet, sweet work of genius at number two. FACT.

Jeremy says: I'm not sure that it's a fact, but I'm glad you've got it figured out, Harv. I'd love to see "Inglourious Basterds" win, but it seems like the only thing standing in "The Hurt Locker's" way is that dubious Nicolas Chartier scandal.

Harvey Weinstein says: If that guy weren't a needy French pussy, he'd be fine. He's banned from the ceremony for making passing reference to a "$500 million" film that he didn't want to win? Hell, I called every member of the Academy and told them Steven Spielberg was molesting children in between each take on Omaha Beach and the Academy didn't do shit to me. I've got incriminating photos of every member of the Academy and own every employee of PriceWaterhouse Coopers. You don't vote the right way, Harvey knows. Harvey will crush you.

Jeremy says: Well I'm happy to hear that you have confidence, but I don't think Chartier's email is going to be a factor, and "The Hurt Locker" will come out on top. But that might only be because "Avatar" isn't all that good and I know better than to back "Basterds."

I am glad that "A Serious Man" was nominated, even if it has no chance of winning. It's nice to see that, if you double the nominees, at least one more great film will be nominated. And with "Up," two more made it. Maybe more would have if Harvey intervened.

Prediction: "The Hurt Locker"
Preference: "Inglourious Basterds"

Harvey Weinstein says:Know what would have been nominated? Here's a hint: "Beeeee a singer. Beeee a lover. BEEEEE ITALIAN!"

Chris says: Jeez, ten nominees? I’m going to have to do twice the work for this category! Dammit! Except you know what? I’m burned out. I’m gonna need to call for a pinch hitter. I need someone who can really crystallize what these nominees are all about. Someone who can put things in perspective. Someone who knows stories. About people! That’s right, I’d like you to give a warm welcome to “Wolverine” auteur Gavin Hood.

Gavin Hood says: Thank you, my good man. Speaking of men, do you know who has stories other than “men?" The Na’vi, that’s who. The Na’vi have stories – they have their own stories. Their stories may not be about people, but they are about people who kind of look like people, only taller and colored. Yes, “Avatar” is a fine film about colored people. Colored people have their stories, too. These colored people are blue. They are blue men. No, no, not the support group – the alien tribe. These are important alien stories.

You know who else has stories, Chris and Jeremy? Rich white ladies with a conscience, that’s who. They pick up poor, illiterate children from the projects, give them house and home, and turn them from terrible football players into great football players in just one scene! That football player, of course was very fat.

You know who has stories, Chris and Jeremy? Fat people. Fat people have stories. They have stories about being fat, and being shat upon by society. Abusive mother? STORY! Rapist father? STORY! Pregnant teenagers? STORY! Down syndrome baby? STORY! Illiteracy? STORY! Terminal illness? STORY! You see what all those elements have in common, boys? They’re all stories! People have stories! “Precious,” of course was a teenage girl. You know who else has stories? Teenage girls, that’s who. Especially if they’re getting charmed by a limey Jewish bastard! STORY!

You know who else has stories? Prawns, that’s who! Prawns who live in my own home country of South Africa. All they want is some cat food and a little respect. That’s a story, is it not? A story of creatures just trying to make it in this world. You know who else has stories? Soldiers have stories. I was a soldier once, and I had many stories. In fact, I’ve decided to tell these stories for a living! I tell stories! I’m a story - teller.

Jews have stories. Two of them, in fact! They just want two things: 1) somebody to love; and 2) to kill Nazis! What could be more of a story than that? Jews are people, too! And they have their stories! You know who else has stories? Old men. And balloons! Balloons have stories – stories about floating, stories about popping, stories about getting blown. (A story Jeremy would know nothing about.) Speaking of flying, frequent fliers have stories. About flying! Frequent flyers are people, too! They are not animals!

Chris says: Wow, thank you for that intricate analysis about storytelling. I think I understand these nominees just a little bit better. I think we all do. Looking up and down at all these stories, I see three masterpieces (“Inglourious Basterds,” “A Serious Man,” “Up”), three very strong films (“The Hurt Locker,” “An Education,” “District 9”), three mixed bags (“Up in the Air,” “Precious,” “Avatar”)

…and one movie that doesn’t belong anywhere near this list (that other one). When it comes down to it, I think “Avatar” is too polarizing and “Basterds,” as much as I love it, seems to have suffered from some Harvey backlash lately (including one anonymous voter who reportedly moved the film down to No. 10 after Harvey’s campaigning). Which leaves only one choice:

Prediction: “The Hurt Locker”
Preference: “Inglourious Basterds”

SDP 24: What Else But the Oscars?!?

2010-03-04T02:41:00.001-07:00

Episode 24 of The Same Dame Podcast gives you the chance to remember who and what the hell the Oscar nominees are before the ceremony. The episode was recorded on Oscar announcement day, 2/02/10, and only Chris knew what the nominees were. Listen to Jeremy try to remember who all embarrassed themselves in "Nine" and find out if he knows that Peru is a country. It doesn't get any better than this, folks.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

SDP 22: 2009! Films! Top 10! Guests! More!

2010-03-01T20:43:00.003-07:00

On 01/19/10, Jeremy and Chris discussed their top 10 films of 2009 with microphones on and ended up with episode 22 of The Same Dame Podcast. And that's not all—they also give out some special awards and welcome some very special guests to reveal their favorite films.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

Jeremy's Top 10 Films of 2009

2010-02-28T18:05:00.006-07:00

It's no secret that many good movies came out in 2009. These were the best:

1. Du Levande (You, the Living)
The best US-released film of 2009 was actually made in Sweden a couple years ago, but it's lost none of its absurd magic since it premiered. Following a mosaic of characters around a modern city with perfectly composed, surreal vignettes, Roy Andersson's touching, peculiar, utterly distinct masterpiece catalogues loneliness, dreams, the human condition, love and how fleeting it all is. Andersson isn't afraid of any subject matter as he delivers sly stone-faced gags and rich emotions of all sorts through his remarkable imagery. It's not my fault if this description doesn't do the film justice—the only way to know it is to see it.
(Get the new US R1 DVD (slightly cropped from 1.66:1 to 1.78:1) or stream it on Netflix (in the correct aspect ratio—don't ask me…).)

2. The White Ribbon
There's a palpable, thick feeling of dread present throughout Michael Haneke's chilling story of a small town that experiences a series of horrible, mysterious crimes. Haneke slowly studies different manifestations of authority, shame and trauma through the eyes of the town's young school teacher, building toward a series of scenes that are horrifying in their subtle implications. Haneke already made the best film of the decade in "Caché," and he continues to astound.
(Now playing in theaters. You can pre-order it, but don't miss it in theaters.)

3. Inglourious Basterds
Quentin Tarantino never gives us what we expect, but always gives us something to think about and something deliciously entertaining. His ensemble war revenge comedy epic turns genres and icons on their heads with exceedingly smart writing and taut direction. Supporting actor nominee though he may be, Christoph Waltz commands every scene he's in as the cool, calculating, witty, sleazy Nazi villain Hans Landa. And yet, in the ultimate credit to Tarantino and the rest of his cast, Waltz isn't even in the film's best scene, a masterfully built-up extended set-piece of suspense in a basement tavern. In a world of films that simply kill time between their big set pieces, Tarantino wows us with classic moments in every scene.
(Now on Blu-ray and one- and two-disc DVD editions.)

4. A Serious Man
Fill a blender with The Book of Job, Jefferson Airplane, Kafka, Hebrew mythology, simmering anti-semitism and collegiate ethics, and you might not get something so gloriously existential and funny as "A Serious Man," but Joel and Ethan Coen sure did. Michael Stuhlbarg plays a man who is tested in his faith, resilience and moral certitude, and finds himself struggling to maintain his character while facing the meaningless barrage of life. I'd tell you whether he succeeds, but I wouldn't want to spoil one of the most brilliant closing sequences of all time (the final shot may even top the Coens' "Barton Fink!").
(Available on DVD and blu-ray, although the Columbia Record Club may have already sent you one if you didn't do anything.)

5. Sugar
The path we expect to travel isn't always clear, and won't necessarily take us where we think we're going. "Sugar" is about realizing that. The film follows a Dominican baseball player as he leaves his small town to work his way up from the minor leagues in America, but writer/directors Ana Boden and Ryan Fleck recognize that things more often than not don't go according to the script. Boden and Fleck soak in the atmosphere of three very different locations, and Algenis Perez Soto touchingly plays a young man who goes from being the star of his small town to a foreigner in a strange land where he doesn't speak the language.
(Hey, this one is also on DVD and blu-ray.)

6. Up
Even if you don't take its brilliant opening montage into account, "Up," is full of clever gags, exciting action-adventure and great characters. It only gets better once you consider one of the decade's most poignant moments of filmmaking, which depicts our main character's life from young boy to old man. It captures the joys and heartaches of an ordinary life full of ordinary missed opportunities and re-adujusted dreams, recalling King Vidor's "The Crowd." This one sequence elevates the entire whole film by establishing a solid understanding of a character's mindset. It's clear that director Pete Docter and co-director Bob Peterson are two more fine storytellers working at Pixar.
(Jesus, Disney. I'm not going to link to the single-disc edition when it costs the same as the "Four-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo + BD Live" version and only a buck and a half less than the two-disc DVD edition.)

7. Police, Adj.
Corneliu Porumboiu can do more with a simple camera pan or a character exiting or entering the frame than most filmmakers do with 100 shots. The Romanian writer/director followed up the hilarious "12:08 East of Bucharest" with another deft study of the comedy and tragedy of human nature, about a policeman who doesn't want to bust a teenager for marijuana possession. The film is all about meanings and interpretation, of language and of law, and attempts to leap—or maybe fall down—the gulf between what we say and what we feel.
(This one isn't out on DVD, blu-ray or Netflix yet, and isn't playing in many theaters—though I must say the transfer I saw doesn't do the 35-mm print justice. But in many areas you can get it on-demand via the ol' cable companies.)

8. Jerichow
The postman always rings twice, but the UPS man pushes the bell with a stick as he starts to run away. German writer/director Christian Petzold updates a familiar old story to modern times, and finds different dynamics between the characters, different targets for their desires and even a different place for the beginning, middle and end. Expertly shot and acted, this film makes the story as fresh as it's ever been.
(You can stream this one on Netflix or get the DVD.)

9. We Live in Public
As Bernstein told us in "Citizen Kane," "It's no trick to make a lot of money if all you want to do is make a lot of money." Josh Harris, the subject of Ondi Timoner's documentary, made plenty of money as an Internet pioneer, then blew it all on bizarre, elaborate, technological art projects. In many ways, Harris foresaw the future of tweets and status updates and people broadcasting away their privacy, but he acted them out with odd experiments like a closed community where everyone was recorded and broadcast, or a site that delivered constant streaming video of his life with his new wife. The character study that emerges depicts a mad genius high on his ego and hellbent on self-destruction.
(This film has yet to have much of a theatrical release, but you can pre-order the DVD.)

10. The Hurt Locker
Here is an action film that grabs you not just by showing tense, dangerous situations, but by viscerally relaying the experience of those situations. Even when the film's psychological overtures play off key, Kathryn Bigelow has so masterfully captured the in-the-moment terror of diffusing bombs in Iraq—the suspicious neighbors who could be civilians or insurgents, the IED that could blow at any moment—that this film will stand as one of the few that truly places its audience in a war.
(You can still catch this in some theaters thanks to an Oscar-time rerelease, or you can stay at home like a sissy and watch the DVD or blu-ray.)

11 Tied for Eleventh:
"Bright Star"
"The Brothers Bloom"
"The Beaches of Agnes"
"The Class"
"Fantastic Mr. Fox"
"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"
"The Headless Woman"
"In the Loop"
"Lorna's Silence"
"Revanche"
"Still Walking"

Honorable Mention
"Anvil! The Story of Anvil"
"Burma VJ"
"Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs"
"The Cove"
"Il Divo"
"An Education"
"Food, Inc."
"Goodbye Solo"
"Hunger"
"The Hangover"
"I Love You, Man"
"The Informant!"
"Knowing"
"Moon"
"Summer Hours"
"Sita Sings the Blues"
"Star Trek"
"Tulpan"
"Three Monkeys"
"35 Shots of Rum"
"Where the Wild Things Are"

I just threw up in my mouth

2010-02-15T06:35:00.011-07:00

If this turns out to be true, I will have officially lost faith in everything and everyone. And I quote:

In what is surely the most bizarre rumour to emerge from this year's Berlin film festival, it is whispered that Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro are preparing a remake of Taxi Driver, their 1970s tale of a man who stood up, saw clearly and shaved his hair into a mohawk. Only this time, it transpires, they may have a fresh passenger on board – Lars von Trier could be riding shotgun.

In fact, to keep myself from any violent activity, I propose a fun game - mostly to Jeremy, but it's open to others who are interested in joining in. Like a children's therapy session, we're going to come up with pictures expressing how we feel about this news/rumor/harbinger of doom. I'll start:

UPDATE: That's it, Jeremy. It's been days, and you've greatly disappointed me. And the world. Not a single visual?* Shame! Well, time's up. Thankfully, though, the story turned out to be false.

(But that won't stop Jesus from giving them the finger.)

*Unless you were the one who posted the advertisement for free overnight prescriptions, in which case well done.

SDP Sundance Mini-Podcast Day 10: Our Only Friend, the End

2010-01-31T01:22:00.002-07:00

It's over! In our Sundance Day 10 super-special daily edition of The Same Dame Podcast, recorded 01/30/10, we talk about films that won awards, especially the ones we managed to miss!

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode, every night during the festival, provided we don't collapse in a heap of exhaustion.

SDP Sundance Mini-Podcast Day Nine: Predicting the Winners with 100-Percent Vague Accuracy

2010-01-30T01:40:00.003-07:00

In our our Sundance Day Nine super-special daily edition of The Same Dame Podcast, recorded 01/29/10, we talk about potential winners in each of the four competition categories. Films we saw today include "happythankyoumoreplease," "The Kids Are All Right," "Boy," "The Temptation of St. Tony," "Four Lions," "Winter's Bone" and more.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode, every night during the festival, provided we don't collapse in a heap of exhaustion.

SDP Sundance Mini-Podcast Day Eight: Swarms of Penises!

2010-01-29T02:35:00.002-07:00

Recorded 01/28/10, our Sundance Day Eight special daily edition of The Same Dame Podcast includes reviews of World Dramatic Competition highlight "The Man Next Door," "Blue Valentine" starring Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling, "Women Without Men" and "Life 2.0." Plus, Jeremy watched part of a film/performance-art hybrid that featured a swarm of penises. For reals.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode, every night during the festival, provided we don't collapse in a heap of exhaustion.

SDP Sundance Mini-Podcast Day Seven: In the first threesome of their lives, Chris & Jeremy welcome a special (female!) guest

2010-01-28T03:18:00.004-07:00

Recorded 01/27/10, our Sundance Day Seven special daily edition of The Same Dame Podcast features a very special guest. Amber Wilkinson from EyeForFilm joins Chris and Jeremy to discuss her thoughts on this year's festival, Utah beer and whatever random subjects happen to come up. Films mentioned include "Winter's Bone," "Bran Nue Dae," "Animal Kingdom," "3 Backyards," "The Man Next Door," "Sympathy for Delicious," "Abel," "Joan Rivers—A Piece of Work," "Contracorriente (Undertow)" and "Four Lions."

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode, every night during the festival, provided we don't collapse in a heap of exhaustion.

SDP Sundance Mini-Podcast Day Six: A "Howl"-ing good festival! (Not really, but get it?)

2010-01-27T01:11:00.002-07:00

Recorded 01/26/10, our Sundance Day Six special daily edition of The Same Dame Podcast is full of surprises. In an ironic twist, vegetarian Jeremy loves "Catfish," "Howls" at Louis C.K. and scoffs at "Skateland." Meanwhile, Chris falls back off the wagon after taking "Russian Lessons" and declaring, "The Imperialists are Still Alive!"

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode, every night during the festival, provided we don't collapse in a heap of exhaustion.

SDP Sundance Mini-Podcast Day Five: "The Killer Inside Me," Baesd on a Book by Tobias Funke

2010-01-26T01:13:00.000-07:00

Recorded 01/25/10, our Sundance Day Five special daily edition of The Same Dame Podcast features reviews of Michael Winterbottom's "The Killer Inside Me," the surreal "The Temptation of St. Tony," Pulcini and Berman's "The Extra Man," "My Perestroika," "Hesher," "Holy Rollers" and more. And Chris works on his wrist exercises.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode, every night during the festival, provided we don't collapse in a heap of exhaustion.

SDP Sundance Mini-Podcast Day Four: Lourdes, Jack Goes Boating, The Runaways and The Mormon Proposition

2010-01-25T01:34:00.003-07:00

Recorded 01/24/10, our Sundance Day Four special daily edition of The Same Dame Podcast features reviews of Philip Seymour Hoffman's directorial debut, "Jack Goes Boating," Jessica Hausner's "Lourdes," "8: The Mormon Proposition" and "The Runaways," starring Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning as Joan Jett and Cherie Currie in the story of the all-girl rock band.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode, every night during the festival, provided we don't collapse in a heap of exhaustion.

SDP Sundance Mini-Podcast Day Three: Welcome to the Rileys, Please Give, Waiting for Superman, Night Catches Us, Family Affair, Many More

2010-01-24T02:24:00.002-07:00

Recorded 01/23/10, our Sundance Day Three special daily edition of The Same Dame Podcast features discussions of Nicole Holofcener's "Please Give," Davis Guggenheim's "Waiting for Superman," "Welcome to the Rileys" starring James Gandolfini, Kristen Stewart and Melissa Leo," "Family Affair," "Night Catches Us" and more.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode, every night during the festival, provided we don't collapse in a heap of exhaustion.

SDP Sundance Mini-Podcast Day Two: Bold Frenchies, Uneven English Speakers and a Great Doc Premiere

2010-01-23T04:09:00.003-07:00

Recorded 01/22/10, our Sundance Day Two special daily edition of The Same Dame Podcast features reviews of Gaspar Noé's "Enter the Void," Jacques Audiard's "A Prophet," last night's documentary premiere "Restrepo," US Dramatic Competition entry "Douchebag" and Sam Taylor-Wood's"Nowhere Boy," about John Lennon's adolescence. (John Lennon was in The Beatles!)

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode, every night during the festival, provided we don't collapse in a heap of exhaustion.

SDP Sundance Mini-Podcast Day One: Spike Cuts it Short

2010-01-22T03:54:00.002-07:00

Recorded 01/21/10, Our Sundance Day One special edition of The Same Dame Podcast looks at the changes at this year's festival, including the first-ever shorts program to play as part of opening night. Spike Jonze was there!

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode, every night during the festival, provided we don't collapse in a heap of exhaustion.

SDP 21: Big, Blue and Ready for You

2010-01-22T03:33:00.000-07:00

Recorded 01/15/10, episode 21 of The Same Dame Podcast is full of reviews. Six, in fact: "Avatar," "Sherlock Holmes," "Up in the Air," "The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans," "Nine" and "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus." Plus the Conan-Leno free-for-all and the inexplicable Spidey reboot.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

Oh My God Glenn Beck Was Right

2010-01-07T23:17:00.005-07:00

Seriously, doesn't Obama have advisors to make sure he avoids this kind of stuff? (WARNING: The linked story contains some spoilers if you aren't caught up through season five of "LOST," although the quote below is safe.)

TV viewers want President Obama to get “Lost” [see what they did there?—J] after reports that the State of the Union address may be moved to Feb. 2. No one seems to have told the White House that the highly anticipated premiere of "Lost’s" last season (according to ABC) is set for the same date.

I am deeply concerned sniff about the direction our country is going. Despite my right eye's efforts to hold it back, a single tear emerges. I mean, after that inverted closing title, anything could happen. And the floodgates are open. And we're just letting some guy who is racist against whites, Australians, Koreans, Iraqis and Others TAKE IT AWAY FROM US? My wet, bloodshot eyes ignite with crazed fire. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICES THESE THINGS??!???!??!!!

This raises an even deeper issue: Is there anything that could justifiably preempt the LOST season six premiere? I mean, if aliens attacked the world killed 500 million people, then it might be worth considering a postponem—nah, nevermind.

Papyrus Speaks!

2010-01-05T13:14:00.003-07:00

The font Papyrus has written an open letter to the director who elevated it to an all-purpose font. From main titles to subtitles, I think we all now know where to go first for our typographic needs.

Goodness knows I’ve worked hard the past 26 years to make a name for myself. And it’s felt great coming to the aid of New Age spa owners, suburban party planners, and young couples looking to save money by making their own wedding invitations. But only now, by appearing in your movie, have I been given mainstream, high-level recognition as a serious typeface. And for that, I thank you.

Read the whole thing. (Tip: Jim Emerson)

Holy fucking shit

2010-01-05T00:26:00.003-07:00

An official Season 6 promo. Followed by a change of pants.

Brawlers, Bawlers and BASTERDS: The Golden Globe noms are in

2009-12-15T06:57:00.012-07:00

Since Jeremy was too much of a pussy to stay up til 6:30 in the morning to see the juicy announcement of the always-curious Golden Globe nominations, I get to take it upon myself to issue a full report. And by "full," I mean "half," since about half of these movies haven't even been released yet. (You know what HAS been released, Hollywood Foreign Press? "You, the Living." Shit yeah it has. And it's foreign, just like you.)

The most deserving honors went to Quentin Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds," which DID, in fact, get nominated for Best Picture and Best Director despite falling a bit out of the awards-season consciousness in recent weeks. In the process, it settled a gentlemanly wager between myself and Jeremy, which he won. Bravo, Mr. Mathews - your faith in the HFPA served you well. Tarantino's dizzyingly inventive bit of cinematic ecstasy will be going up against expected nominees like James Cameron's "Avatar" (which we'll see Thursday night and review shortly thereafter), the Oscars' newest cuddly favorite, "Up in the Air," Lee Daniels' overwrought but well-acted awards-bait "Precious" (I'm not typing that full fucking title, even if what I'm writing in these parentheses is significantly longer) and Kathryn Bigelow's excellent "The Hurt Locker," which has been cleaning up this awards season. Critics and award-givers just can't get enough of it. It's like a drug or something. (You know what else is like a drug? WAR. WAR IS A DRUG. That's what "The Hurt Locker" told me, anyway. It was very subtle.)

The big wild card coming into December was whether or not Cameron's well-documented risks (financial, technological, etc.) on "Avatar" would pay off, either in box-office receipts or end-of-the-year prestige. We'll see the numbers a few weeks from now, but early acclaim has been rolling in, and the Golden Globes lend added credibility. What will be really interesting to see is whether or not it can break the Academy's unofficial embargo on nominating science-fiction films for Best Picture. You wanna know what the last sci-fi movie to get an Oscar BP nod was?

I'll give you a second to guess.

...

It was "E.T."

That was 27 years ago. No sci-fi in the top category since then. No "Children of Men." No "Minority Report." No "Brazil." No "Dark City" or "The Matrix." No "Terminator 2." No "Being John Malkovich" or "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." No "The Iron Giant" or "WALL-E" or "Akira." No "Gattaca" or "12 Monkeys" or "Solaris" or "Aliens" or, yeah I'll say it, "Primer." Not even something barely sci-fi like "The Truman Show." (And yes, I'm differentiating between sci-fi - which is science-based - and fantasy/horror like "Lord of the Rings," "Field of Dreams," "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," "The Sixth Sense," "Benjamin Button," "The Green Mile," "Babe," etc.) With ten nomination slots open this year, you'd have to think "Avatar" could finally end that streak.

Or they could just nominate "Precious" ten times.

Personally, I've been awaiting "Avatar" with equal levels intrigue and apprehension - because, as great and consistent as Cameron was in his sci-fi, pre-"Titanic" days, I wasn't sure if this was going to be an honest-to-God comeback for him, or just two-and-a-half hours of wanking off to his pet technologies. I've been burned by George Lucas and Robert Zemeckis one too many times over the last decade to be blindly optimistic. But let's hope for the best, shall we?

Anyway, back to the task at hand. This year's Globes did not disappoint when it came to a pair of charming traditions. The first - and my favorite Globe tradition - is to always nominate at least one movie for Best Picture that no one particularly likes, or at least that no one loves, but which may come with some imaginary prestige. (Or not.) Often, these are very, very bad movies. It's almost like the HFPA dares itself to fuck with those silly Americans by seeing what random movie they can get away with nominating. Case in point: "Bobby," the recent remake of "The Producers," "The Phantom of the Opera," "Man on the Moon," "Across the Universe" (even though I personally liked it), "Legends of the Fall," and, yes, "Patch fucking Adams."

This year, the HFPA actually outdid itself in this regard, nominating both "Nine" (whose existence I find philosophically absurd considering the source material) - directed by Rob Marshall (ugh) - and Nancy Meyers' "It's Complicated" in the BP Comedy/Musical category. The two movies, unseen by Jeremy and I as of yet, have scored a robust 26 percent and 33 percent, respectively, on the Tomatometer. Other nominees for Best Comedy/Musical are "The Hangover" (though, unfortunately, no supporting actor nod for Zach Galifianakis), "(500) Days of Summer" and "Julie & Julia."

The HFPA, of course, overlooked the most hilarious movie of the year, "Death in Love."

(What? That was a serious drama? Rats!)

The second Globe tradition continuing this year is that, due to an amendment in the HFPA's bylaws, it must give Meryl Streep an acting nomination for every movie in which she appears. (Think I'm kidding? She was nominated for "Mamma fucking Mia.") This year, that means she's going head-to-head against herself in Best Actress - Comedy/Musical for "Julie & Julia" and "It's Complicated" - which also, I must add, beat out the Coen Brothers' "A Serious Man" (among others) for a Best Screenplay nod. Hey, I'm not making a value judgment for a movie I haven't seen - I promise. I'm just presenting the facts here, folks.

Other nominations of note include the great Jeff Bridges for Best Actor in the upcoming "Crazy Heart," Carey Mulligan for lead actress in "An Education," relative unknown Michael Stuhlbarg for Best Actor (Comedy) in the Coens' stunning "A Serious Man" and Matt Damon in one of his most fascinating performances in "The Informant!" - which also features my favorite score of the year, for which Marvin Hamlisch was given a Globe nod as well.

And, as expected, Christoph Waltz is up for supporting actor - and an almost certain win - for his diabolically brilliant performance in "Inglourious Basterds."

And, as if it even needed to be stated, the Golden Globes once again overlooked one of the four greatest dramas in the history of television, LOST, in the Best TV Drama category. But hey, at least a daringly original and rapidly evolving show like "House" got honored. (Man, that crazy doctor keeps me on my toes. I never know what he's going to do next!)

Only 49 more days til LOST!!

Click here for the full slate of Golden Globe nominations.

SDP 20: Mooning Over New Moon (Maybe—Listen to Find Out!)

2009-12-15T04:12:00.003-07:00

Recorded 11/29/09, episode 20 of The Same Dame Podcast sadly focuses too much on a film by the name of "New Moon." But don't fear! There are also reviews of "Fantastic Mr. Fox," "An Education," "Precious" and "2012." And in lieu of any news worth reporting, Jeremy and Chris tell increasingly offensive jokes sure to drive away the few listeners they have.

And if you're wondering why THIS one took so long, Jeremy's belief that he found a workaround to Soundtrack Pro's shittiness proved false.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

Sundance 2010: What are all These Categories About?

2009-12-12T03:34:00.012-07:00

"If you must put me in a box, make sure it's a big box with lots of windows and a door to walk through and a nice high chimney." — Dan Bern

The 2010 Sundance Film Festival is on its way, and to celebrate, new festival director John Cooper* (we'll miss your gloriously over-the-top introductions, Geoff Gilmore!) and his new Cooperesque sidekick, Trevor Groth, have done what Sundance does best—rename and change-around its lesser-known categories. Chris and I will be looking at the other selections in coming weeks, but first let's start with the unfamiliar.

Spotlight: Once there was American Spectrum. Then its components were split into American Spectrum (small indie films that didn't make the competition) and American Spotlight (name directors or actors with non-premieres). Then there was just Spectrum (turns out there are countries besides America—which itself isn't a country but two continents!). Then there was the short-lived Global American Spotlighty Spectrum Extravaganza. Now we have Spotlight and NEXT, which we'll get to, uh, in a minute. This year's selection includes global programs like Rachel Perkins's "Bran Nue Dae" from Australia and therefore starring Geoffrey Rush, controversial Frenchie Gaspar Noé's "Enter the Void," which, sources tell me, is very long, "I Am Love", Luca Guadagnino's Italian film starring Tilda Swinton, and—perhaps most enticing—Jacques Audiard's "Un Prophète,"—which won the Grand Jury Prize at Cannes. They've also thrown in a shorts program highlighting—sorry, spotlighting—the shorts of the New African Cinema. American efforts include "Nine Lives" director Rodrigo Garcia's "Mother and Child", starring Annette Benning and (don't tell Brent Sallay) Naomi Watts, and "Louis C.K.: Hilarious", a concert film of the comedian's brilliant stand-up routine. Seriously, it's fucking funny.

Spotlight: Documentary: Sometimes they just put documentaries in Specturm/American Spectrum/Whateverthefuck, sometimes the documentaries get their own category. Under this new Spotlight, they have their own little sub-category again. The talk of Utah will, of course, be "8: The Mormon Proposition, directed by Reed Cowan, who used to be a reporter at KTVX. (What channel number is KTVX?) I don't know what obscure proposition this film details. Probably something about offering someone a million dollars to sleep with his or her wives.

NEXT: The festival folks hope the new NEXT (or maybe it's "NEXT <=>" but you don't seriously expect me to type that, do you?) selection will shut up all those whiners who go on and on to anyone who'll listen about how the festival isn't really indie anymore. This sidebar features only films that were made on a budget of $5,000 or less. So it could include a masterpiece like "Primer" and/or a two-hour tape of some guy masturbating in front of his shitty digital camera. But you can't say that the programmers didn't try to showcase low-profile films this year. Now the only question is, will all those whiners attend the NEXT screenings, or will they be too busy getting their pictures taken with Ryan Gosling? If you need a celebrity, you can at least see Janel Moloney from "The West Wing" (but more importantly guest spots on "Sports Night" and "30 Rock") in Habib Azar's "Armless." (FYI: Moloney has arms.)

*I hope Mr. Cooper's promotion won't stop him from being so awesome that he pulls over to pick up a lowly film critic as he tries to run through the slushy Park City streets, late to a screening. You rock, John!

Mathews' call to action finally nets 'African Queen'

2009-12-06T10:42:00.005-07:00

Call it "The Mathews Effect." Way back in the carefree days of 2007, my dear colleague wrote a now-legendary column (with background assistance from yours truly) about movies that had remained, until that time, conspicuously and unfortunately absent on DVD. The column has been stealthily removed from the In Utah This Week web site - shocking, since the site is usually so reliable and convenient - but rest assured, it was very real. The column has been shrouded in myth in the months since then, mainly because right after its publication, Hollywood immediately took notice and began firing out the titles that had been missing in action.

Among Mathews' calls that were finally heard in the months following were "Hearts of Darkness," "She's Gotta Have It," "The Earrings of Madame De..." (and all those other Max Ophuls films that hadn't been released), "Zabriskie Point," the Patrice Lectone trifecta of "Girl on the Bridge," "The Hairdresser's Husband" (though the transfer is subpar) and "Monsieur Hire," and the two greatest of the bunch, Luis Bunuel's "The Exterminating Angel" and Alain Resnais' "Last Year at Marienbad." Even

There was even an announcement about a pending release of "Johnny Guitar," but so far it hasn't happened. What HAS happened - and this appears to be official - is at long last a DVD (and Blu-ray!) version of John Huston's 1950 classic, "The African Queen." Which means you no longer have to go back and forth about whether or not to snag that weird Chinese import version from the Amazon marketplace. My heart began a-fluttering a month or so ago, when I got a long-awaited e-mail from Amazon telling me that the film had been finally announced for release. Then it disappeared again. And now it finally has a street date, and will be arriving in stores, in my mailbox and hopefully in yours on February 23, according to Blu-ray.com. And since it took so long to finally get this fucking movie out, it'll be on Blu-ray, too! (The same thing happened with "Kiss of the Spider Woman" last year.)

This comes on the heels of the disastrous DVD of another Huston classic, his final film, "The Dead." It was finally released a few months back, 22 years after its release, but with 10 minutes - or about 11 percent of the film - just gone. According to this DVD review, Lionsgate issued an apology and re-released a corrected version on November 23. So all appears to be in order.

The only thing more exciting would be a wandering archaeologist-cum-good samaritan traversing some exotic locale and unearthing both the original cut of "The Magnificent Ambersons" and the full 8-hour version of "Greed."

(Hey, a guy can dream, right?)

I'll also still be holding out hope for "Celine and Julie Go Boating," John Sayles' "City of Hope" and Soderbergh's two post-"sex, lies and videotape" films that have all but disappeared, "Kafka" and "King of the Hill" (NOT an animated television program about rednecks, fyi) - because DVD releases of those four will finally give me a chance to see them.

Only then will The Mathews Effect be (nearly) complete.

Then again, I've only mentioned movies in this post - don't even get me started on one of the greatest television shows of all-time, "The Wonder Years," still not being fucking available on fucking DVD because of fucking music rights. I promise, Fox Home Video, if I had a couple million to help you cover all the costs, I'd give it to you. Do you take a check?

And the fox says...

2009-12-04T15:28:00.005-07:00

So we go all year long without a single movie featuring a talking fox, and then in one single month, we get not one, but two talking-fox movies. In keeping with our "let's combine two movies with particular similarities for hilarious results" tradition - which we will examine more deeply in our upcoming podcast - let's consider combining Wes Anderson's wonderful "Fantastic Mr. Fox" with Lars von Trier's Lars von Triers-y "Antichrist." One of the foxes is a mischievous little rascal, the other a harbinger of doom - will they get along? Will they fight to the death? Will they get into zany hijinks with one another? Will chaos, as one fox posits, truly reign?

Oh, and it gets spookier - Willem Dafoe gets to face off against both versions of talking fox. What a lucky fella!

One thing should be said about these foxes, though - unlike in von Trier's "Manderlay" (during which John C. Reilly walked off the movie when he found out a live donkey would be killed on-screen - hmmm, I wonder how much he enjoys Godard's "Week End") - there is no visible cruelty to animals in "Antichrist." (Being in a Lars von Trier movie doesn't legally count.) There is, however, extraordinary cruelty to genitals. Where's the humane association for genitals, and why aren't THEY on the set of every movie? But I digress.

Aside from "Fantastic Mr. Fox" - which really is - and "Antichrist," none of my other new reviews feature talking animals of any kind. But we do have our second postapocalypse of the month, though John Hillcoat's disappointing "The Road" isn't quite the massive upgrade over "2012" you might expect. (OK, fine, it's a major upgrade, but only because "2012" is a piece of shit.)

And in keeping with our "devil" theme, there's Ti West's "House of the Devil," a classically executed throwback horror flick ... well, for about an hour, until it goes off the rails. Finally, there's a surprisingly bland effort from James McTeigue and the Wachowski bro--, er siblings, "Ninja Assassin."

The young, the restless, the retarded

2009-11-24T15:02:00.002-07:00

At this point, my failure to post anything over the last few months is getting too conspicuous. I've been spending too much energy writing for the podcast, and not enough writing for the blog. So what better way to return than with a review for the worst movie of the year? That's right, to echo my dear friend Mr. Mathews' comments (though he gave it a half-star too many), here is my diagnosis of a clear-cut case of stunted emotional growth, the cloying disaster that is "New Moon."

And while we're at it, more releases from what has turned out to be a miserable month in cinema - Roland Emmerich's latest exercise in pseudo-spectacle, "2012," Same Dame favorite and voice-capture pioneer Robert Zemeckis' latest exercise in advanced zombie technology, "A Christmas Carol," the perplexing lie that is "The Fourth Kind" and the half-intriguing, half-laughable "The Box" - which somehow winds up being the best of the bunch.

Could I Maybe Try an Older Moon?

2009-11-20T21:50:00.003-07:00

Twilight Saga: New Moon
Directed by Chris Weitz

1/2 star (out of four)

"Little Miss Mopey Picks Her Monster Mate" is a joyless mass of incompetent storytelling, embellished with laughably bad dialogue and a complete lack of wonder. It refuses to offer the slimmest bit of insight into teenage love, and instead indulges in absurd fantasies of despair. As the film began, my patience was tested with a long, drawn-out reveal of the film's title, but that was nothing compared to the 130 minutes that followed.
[bxA]
Kristen Stewart reprises the role of Little Miss Mopey, whom you will no doubt remember from "Googling About Vampires," the first screen adaptation of "author" Stephenie Meyer's obscenely popular book series—sorry, saga. As we rejoin her, she has just turned 18 and is still deeply in love with her vampire boyfriend, Magic Hair (Robert Pattinson), who is forever trapped in a 17-year-old's ice-cold yet oh-so-hot body. "You give me a reason to live just by breathing," he actually says. For real. But Magic Hair soon abandons Little Miss Mopey, which only serves to aggravate her mopiness.

Director Chris Weitz usually shows not even a modicum of excitement for the supernaturally overcast land of Washington state depicted in the film. On the rare occasions when he braves moderately adventurous territory, his insecurities sparkle like a vampire in the sun (?). In his most ambitious shot, the camera circles the room to show the seasons changing out the window while our star moper mopes interminably. Each time the weather changes, a title card appears up to tell us what month it is, as if we'd have otherwise assumed that a fresh coat of snow replaced the autumn leaves while the camera was looking the other way.

The only thing that gives Mopey any energy is danger, presumably because a ghostly vision of Magic Hair appears to tell her to stop doing stupid shit. She says (in the most boring way possible, of course) that she's become an adrenaline junkie. I guess that's one way to make her romanticized suicide attempts more palatable. To help her repair some old motorcycles, she enlists The Shirtless Wonder (Taylor Lautner), her totally ripped childhood friend who happens to be a werewolf.

Considering how glaringly clear it's been that he's a werewolf since the beginning of the first film, it takes a painfully long time for Little Miss Mopey to sort it out. Their relationship is basically the same setup as "Googling About Vampires." Something strange is happening, but damned if Mopey can figure out what it is. Not to be outdone by Magic Hair in the dialogue department, he says things like, "I feel like I'm going to disappear."

The Shirtless Wonder never replaces Magic Hair in Mopey's heart, but at least he's a man and he shows interest in her, and therefore gives her life meaning. Yes, without a man, Little Miss Mopey's life is completely dire. She might as well be dead without someone there to validate her existence. She exists as nothing more than the vessel of convenient plot whims.

The saga's abstinence allegory manifests strongly in this film, as Mopey is desperate for Magic Hair's cock—err…I mean to become a vampire so she can be with Edward forever—but he doesn't want to corrupt her and damn her soul, and tells her to wait. It doesn't make much sense, but results in some shapeless drama. And who can complain about teaching teenage girls to throw themselves at men, who will in turn nobly refuse them? Not I, not I.

You'd expect to find a lot of dramatic tension surrounding a lady who has a werewolf and a vampire after her affection, but no. Mopey never wavers in her love for Magic Hair, and so we know she won't fall too deep for The Shirtless Wonder. And without such inner-turmoil, there's precious little left.

The filmmakers' general inability to inject their story with urgency results in the dullest of villains, Fire Crotch (Rachelle Lefevre), whose continued stalking of Little Miss Mopey marks the cliff-hanger ending of the first film. She is mad because Magic Hair's family killed her boyfriend, who wanted to drink that mopiest of all blood. So now, we learn that she is still on the warpath, and without Magic Hair, Miss Mopey needs The Shirtless Wonder and his wolf pack's protection to be safe.

The plotline goes that far and absolutely no further. The last time we see Fire Crotch, she is coming toward Mopey. Then she disappears in between shots during editing, never to be seen for the rest of the film. Seriously. This first-act gun isn't even mentioned in the third act. I know, I know, this is a serialized story and Fire Crotch will indeed appear next film, mysteriously transformed into Bryce Dallas Howard. But that doesn't give writers and directors free license to establish someone to be of vital importance to the story at hand, then ignore her existence. But when the story itself holds no importance, I suppose it's foolish to expect anything from the characters.

Oscar Doc Shortlist Snubs—or Considers and Discards—Big Names

2009-11-19T15:08:00.006-07:00

It's hard to say whether certain high-profile films missing from the Best Documentary Oscar shortlist were snubbed or if they received their due consideration. I've only seen six of the 15 shortlisted films, so I'm in no position to judge where the missing big-name docs fit in the quality spectrum. (Of the films that I missed, "Food Inc." is the only one that I had an opportunity to see.)

The omitted titles include: "Tyson," James Toback's one-on-one discussion with the peculiar, emotionally fragile boxer; "Capitalism: A Love Story," Michael Moore's attack on big business's control of the U.S. government; "The September Issue," about the making of an issue of Vogue; the touching "Anvil! The Story of Anvil", about an '80s metal band that never gave up the dream of making it big; and Davis Guggenheim's "It Might Get Loud," a multi-generational character study of three rock guitarists who did make it big. Of course, Moore (for "Bowling for Columbine") and Guggenheim (for "An Inconvenient Truth") already won Oscars in the category, although most people say that Al Gore won Guggenheim's statuette. What's the deal, Al? Two Nobels aren't enough for you?

Anyhow, the films I have seen are all worth watching. Here's a quick rundown:

The Beaches of Agnes (Agnes Varda): The best of the bunch. A beautiful autobiography by French New Wave icon Agnes Varda.

Burma VJ (Anders Ostergaard): An uneven but extremely engaging tale of brave, undercover citizen journalists.

The Cove (Louie Psihoyos): The story of dolphin abuse in Japan distilled into a thrilling heist movie.

Every Little Step (James D. Stern and Adam Del Deo): Explores both the making of "A Chorus Line" and the auditions for the Broadway revival of the famous production. The film loses track of some of its subjects through its ambitious structure, but is nevertheless a touching ode of the drive to perform.

Sergio (Greg Barker): Telling the story of Iraq through one life, Barker's documentary crosscuts between the life story of United Nations Comissioner for Human Rights Sergio Vieira de Mello and the mission to rescue him after the bombing of the UN headquarters in Baghdad.

Valentino The Last Emperor (Matt Tyrnauer): Along with "The September Issue," "Valentino" is one of two documentaries this year that aim to convince the viewer that they should take fashion more seriously. It might not convince us of that, but it is a great study of the relationship dynamics between the great, egomaniacal fashion designer and his business and life partner.

And then the majority I haven't seen:
Facing Ali (Peter McCormack)
Food, Inc. (Robert Kenner)
Garbage Dreams (Mai Iskander)
Living in Emergency: Stories of Doctors Without Borders (Mark N. Hopkins)
The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and The Pentagon Papers (Judith Ehrlich and Rick Goldsmith)
Mugabe and the White African (Andrew Thompson and Lucy Bailey)
Soundtrack for a Revolution (Bill Guttentag and Dan Sturman)
Under Our Skin (Andy Abrahams Wilson)
Which Way Home (Rebecca Cammisa)

SDP 19: At Long Last!

2009-11-18T13:24:00.001-07:00

Recorded 10/23/09, episode 19 of The Same Dame Podcast was almost lost to the ages. Yet through the miracle of digital technology Jeremy was finally able to export a version that included his voice, which mysteriously disappeared from the previous 15 attempts. So now you can finally hear our reviews of such brand new releases as "Where the Wild Things Are," "The Invention of Lying," "Bright Star," "Capitalism: A Love Story," "Big Fan" and "Zombieland."

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode, which will hopefully be considerably more timely.

SDP 18: BUSTED!

2009-10-12T03:15:00.002-06:00

Recorded 9/30/09, episode 18 of The Same Dame Podcast features our reactions to (1) Roman Polanski getting busted, (2) Tina Fey getting Emmys and (3) new TV shows getting more praise than they deserve. Get it? Also, reviews of "Lorna's Silence," "Surrogates," "The Informant!," "Jennifer's Body" and "9"

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

SDP 17: The Future of Cinema Unveiled

2009-09-14T22:48:00.001-06:00

Recorded 8/30/09, episode 17 of The Same Dame Podcast features an exciting interview with one of filmmaking's greatest technological innovators. We can't say who it is, but we can say that he's won an Oscar and will debut the future of special effects—yes, in this episode. You don't want to miss it. If that isn't enough, wait until you hear our collage of interviews with Martin Scorsese's friends as they react to Paramount's treatment of "Shutter Island." And oh yeah, we also review "Inglourious Basterds," "District 9," "Ponyo," and "Cold Souls."

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

SDP 16 Finally Makes it Out of a Maze of Intertubes

2009-08-28T14:44:00.002-06:00

Recorded 8/13/09 and 8/7/09, episode 16 of The Same Dame Podcast features reviews of "GI Joe," "A Perfect Getaway," "Orphan," "Revanche" and "Departures." Find out what big star may be making a comeback, hear about Nicholas Cage's tax woes, and discover why Timothy Olyphant should be more famous.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode.

SDP 15: Including the Year's Best Film You've never seen.

2009-08-15T15:13:00.002-06:00

Recorded 8/7/09, episode 15 of The Same Dame Podcast features a discussion on John Hughes, a horrifying tale of viewing "Mama Mia!" and reviews of several films, including "(500) Days of Summer," "Funny People," "The Hurt Locker," and our dual choice for favorite film of the year. Yes folks, the podcast is back, and ready to explode in a big ol' orgasm of content.

Be sure to subscribe to the podcast (via iTunes if you like) so you won't miss our next thrilling episode (which is coming right on this one's tail).